Can Dissociation Lead To Unwanted Suicide?

[OneToughCookie]

I've had really intense suicidal ideation this week, and I've gone down dark paths before, so I sought help and took a bunch of preventative actions. My therapist and I set up an appointment for today, but she hurt her back right before it and is on her way to a doctor.

I'm feeling a little bit unsupported. My group therapy facilitator saw my high suicidal ideation levels in my responses to the weekly survey and suggested I give my medications to someone. I went over to my boyfriend's, and he did hide them, but because I have to be back at my place tonight, he just had to give them back to me in the morning. My meds are a highly controlled substance and there isn't anyone I trust living close enough to me for them keeping the medications to really be feasible. I feel really worthless right now and like I'm wasting people's time by seeking help, like I'm blowing things out of proportion even though I know I've gotten as far as rehearsals in the past and have tons of signs of imminent suicide. I have three finals this week and a final project to complete, and am just feeling really stressed and alone. I don't want to die (right now), I just need help getting through these next three days.

I set up a massage appointment for myself today a long time ago, but can't imagine actually bringing myself there and having a good time. How can I make myself go? How can I make sure I'm safe? How can I focus during my final today? I feel like I'm in a fog. I'm recognizing that as derealization, so I'll focus on grounding and distractions for the next few hours. I'm afraid I'll kill myself in a dissociated state. Is it possible that could happen against my will?

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

but because I have to be back at my place tonight, he just had to give them back to me in the morning.

1. Give him all your meds. Only keep on hand exactly what you need to make it until you see him next. If you have a gun or other weapon, give him that, too.

2. Arrange to sleep over at a friend's home until the immediate crisis has passed. Tell your friend about your suicidal ideation and ask her to help you stay safe.

3. If you cannot stay safe, act responsibly and check yourself into a hospital. You can request a voluntary admit.

I feel really worthless right now and like I'm wasting people's time by seeking help, like I'm blowing things out of proportion

That's the depression talking. You are a human being worthy of every good thing.

I'm afraid I'll kill myself in a dissociated state. Is it possible that could happen against my will?

No. A person who commits suicide in a dissociated state has at least one part who wanted to die.

 

[OneToughCookie]

I do have parts of me that want to die, though. When I'm in a bad mood "I want to die", "I want to commit suicide", and "I want to kill myself" all run through my head. I am at risk then, yes?

 

[shimmerz]

"I want to die", "I want to commit suicide", and "I want to kill myself" all run through my head.

Yes, this is definitely at risk speaking to yourself. You should take it seriously.

How familiar are you with this 'part'?

 

[OneToughCookie]

Pretty familiar. It's here right now. I was actually just writing another post:

Today has definitely not been the worst day I've ever had, but it hurts. My therapist has cancelled on me four of the last five times we've set up an appointment. Only one time was it her fault, and she's really trying to get me in (I'm theoretically seeing her tomorrow), but I've just been feeling worse and worse and I'm losing hope a little. I've done CBT and group therapy and I'm good at caring for myself as I try to recover from PTSD and anorexia. It seems like I shouldn't be experiencing such strong symptoms right now. My boyfriend chalked it up to the let-down effect, an increase in chronic illnesses that often occurs after the end of a stressful period. I think he's right, as I just finished finals, it's just shocking to me how intense this period is. Right now I should be running a six-minute errand, but I don't want to be near people. I understand that PTSD occurs when your stressors exceed your coping mechanisms, I just don't get why I'm still experiencing such strong PTSD when I've upped my repertoire of coping mechanisms so extensively and regularly do them.

Yesterday I went to the beach and looked at the water. I began to meditate, but after a while, found it increased my anxiety. I distracted myself from my suicidal thoughts by knocking some things off my to-do list when I got home. I was still feeling terrible when my boyfriend got home. Our evening was a brief respite in which I felt good, with lots of silliness, laughter, and shenanigans. Today I got a lot done as well. Still, my thoughts are overwhelming. A day in which "I don't deserve to eat", "I don't deserve to sleep," "I want to kill myself," "stop moping" and plenty more run through my head continuously is seriously tough. I feed myself anyway, I sleep anyway, I give my medications to my boyfriend and set up appointments with my therapist, and I reassure myself that depression isn't my fault any my brain's lying, but none of it seems to help. The negative feed continues. Life just isn't enjoyable, right now. It's painful the vast majority of the time. I'm exhausted from trying to get through every day despite all I experience mentally, but it's not like I can stop or my symptoms will worsen, and I have dreams I hope to make a reality when I'm better.

There's definitely a part of me that wants to live, or I wouldn't be trying so hard. I know things can get better so I'm willing to hold out. Maybe a few months from now during my medical leave I'll start to feel happiness again. Maybe once I'm retired and get years of relaxation and therapy I'll experience positive emotions to the same extent others do and feel some real positive emotion from the good I do for others. I just don't know what to do to make now better and more enjoyable/less painful. What do you guys do that brings more pleasure into your life? Most of my day is anhedonic, with even my laughter unaccompanied by joy, like it's a reflex. I even lied to my mom this morning when she said she was excited to spend time with me, and I said I was too. Truthfully, I just want to be alone. I strangely enough feel positive emotions around my boyfriend (he is so wonderful), so I'm grateful for that, I'm just scared. I don't know what else to do, just suck it up?

 

[pixel]

I don't know what else to do

but you DO,

I have three finals this week and a final project to complete, and am just feeling really stressed and alone. I don't want to die (right now), I just need help getting through these next three days.

Finals are awful! :banghead:
The saying in healthcare is, 'We spend years studying how to save lives, whilst trying not to take our own.'

I'm not minimising your experience, but reminding you that we get through.
Finals & other assessments have some sort of "i want to die" ambience.
As my therapist would remind me — and I hate hearing it —

This, too, shall pass.

 

[BlueOrange]

The best joy and satisfaction I get comes from being around other people in positive ways. Relaxed fun is great, so is helping people.

If you're able to rest (to not really do anything) then that's really good.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

I am at risk then, yes?

Yes, you are at risk.

I began to meditate, but after a while, found it increased my Anxiety.

I generally do not suggest meditation to a deeply depressed and/or suicidal person. Attempting to 'empty ' one's mind, as in meditation, tends to lead to rumination in a depressed person, and rumination fuels depression. (This is also, by the way, why it is unwise to isolate when depressed.)

I do suggest relaxing but engaging activities with close friends and loved ones

 

[shimmerz]

I generally do not suggest meditation to a deeply depressed and/or suicidal person.

Agreed. So Strongly.

 

[EveHarrington]

Awhile ago there was someone who would dissociate and really hurt themselves. They'd come to and not know what happened, why they had wounds. They posted multiple times about this happening. I always advised them to get help as one day they could really hurt themselves and end up seriously injured or dead. At one point I asked them why they ignored the advice given in the previous threads they started on the exact same topic. Turns out they didn't even remember starting those posts! I haven't seen this person on the forum in awhile. Maybe they forgot they had an account here. I really hope they didn't accidentally hurt themselves too much and ended up killing themselves. I guess I'll never know, unless they come back.

Point being, if someone can injure themselves while dissociated, they can indeed kill themselves while dissociated. All it takes is one part who wants to injure. Please get help.


Edit.

I just checked. That person hasn't been here in almost 5 months. I don't want to think the worst, but this is someone I actually think of from time to time and hope they're ok. I wasn't close with this person, only replying to their threads. I know people come and go for various reasons, I just hope this person was able to get the help they needed and nothing worse happened to them while dissociated.

 

[OneToughCookie]

Thank you all very much for replying. I looked at this post after finals and did end up choosing rational decisions right after I posted it by distracting myself for a bit and letting myself do poorly on my finals instead of studying (which greatly increased my suicidal ideation). I've still been having suicidal thoughts on and off, but they're lessening greatly and I'm pretty happy since it's the weekend and my boyfriend is home. I'm about to be with family for six days too, so that should help as well. I really appreciate what you told me about it being possible for me to kill myself in a dissociated state. I'll talk to my therapist about how to protect myself from that, since once, a long time ago, I did a suicide "rehearsal" in a dissociated state. I'll also take my suicidal thoughts more seriously in the event I dissociate and actually give my medications away even if I am feeling better.