Sexual Assault Can Finally Let It All Out... Well Most Of It.

[leanne1321]

I flipped out too (and still do) over tiny things.

This is just a suggestion, but maybe you should consider (depending on how you are feeling at the time) taking a break once you leave school. Just a year or two, where you can really focus on T if you need.

The sooner you can start picking up those pieces of your life, the better. Education can always wait. It is important, but your mental health is far more important.

 

[Shannon]

Yes, I still flip out, not as bad as what I used to be like though. I feel so bad towards my friends, family and boyfriend, cause I often flip out on them..:/ I just cant help it, it just comes from like no where!

That's true actually, my mum has recently said to me that I am pushing myself to hard to try and forget about it, when I'm never going to forget, to put it blunt! But what mum doesn't understand is that although it's always going to be there in my mind, a Therapist can help me to control some of my actions, and help me to not be so depressed and everything. i don't see why mu Mum doesn't see that.

 

[Muzikluvr]

And, seriously. Write down every incident, even if it's not the original lads doing it. You want to document every incident of assault - verbal and physical. Write down who said or did what, when it happened, and where it happened. Keep those documented events safe. If something happens, you can turn to your diary and show police that it was escalating (if it was) and not just some random, isolated incident.

Some of us are targeted. I don't know why. But I do know that ignoring it, not reporting it, doing what the bullies tell you to do, caving to peer pressure... none of that makes it go away. The only thing that makes it go away is reporting it to authorities, holding your head high (you have NOTHING to be ashamed of) and keeping your life on track.

Every girl in that school is afraid that what "you say" happened to you, will happen to them. Some of them don't want to believe anyone is that vulnerable, some are afraid of those boys too, some are messed up victims who are de-sensitized to rape because they have experienced so much of it in their young lives... whatever the reasons why mean girls are mean... it has nothing to do with you being raped, you calling the police or you drinking underage at a party.

Rape is violence. Rape is demeaning. Rape is a selfish attack perpetrated by a boy who lacks empathy for others. Rape is about power. Rapists should be held accountable for their actions. And the full burden of the rapes that you experienced rest on those boys' shoulders.

On the other hand, you were 13 and drinking at a party, and you need to address that risky behavior before you find yourself near another predator/rapist. I don't want to hurt you, but in my recovery it has helped to see that I could have prevented some of the abuse by focusing on positive goals in life. I didn't have to go looking for a fight, I didn't have to go to that party with only one person I knew there, I didn't have to protect my family from a rapists threats by doing what he told me to do, etc... And knowing what my role is in protecting myself, empowers me. I don't feel so vulnerable now. I don't feel like there's a big target on my forehead anymore. I don't do risky behaviors anymore.

Separating what they did to you and their responsibility for it, from what you did to put yourself at risk is an important step. And placing the blame for the rape squarely on the rapists shoulders, while accepting responsibility for your own safety from this day forward is an important step. You can't keep a rapist from raping you if you are vulnerable around him.

What is your relationship like with that cousin now, if you don't mind telling me?

 

[leanne1321]

I know you want to forget, just put it away in a box and never have to look at it again.

That's what I did, but speaking from experience, it will try to get out and haunt you in the future. You will fight it hard and push it back down and end up building a fortress around it. The harder you push, the harder they try to get out and to be honest, that's exhausting.

The longer you put it off, the scarier that box becomes. I'm petrified of mine.

A good T will help you and be there for you and so will we. Then you can look at your box from a safe distance and start dealing with it. I'm not sure, but I think that my outbursts were attempts at pushing away my family and friends, a way to make it easier for you to detatch from the world, but this detachment only makes it worse.

The good news is, something like this shows the true colours of your family and friends and those that truly love you will stand by you.

There are a lot of people on here that didn't have that loving network around them and were isolated. Try to remember that because those that stick with you are the one's you can rely on when you need help, love and support.

 

[Shannon]

I no I shouldn't of been drinking, but honestly I wasn't supposed to of got drunk, I suppose I didn't explain properly when I said my drink was spiked, yes, they gave me more alcohol, but they also drugged me. and then when I was drunk, I didn't care, they would use words like. 'don't be a pu**y, have another drink.', 'such a goody goody, go on have another drink' so me being the stupid me ( that I am so angry with!!) drank more.

I really cant remember a lot. I honestly cant, i remember being on the bed with one of the lads, and we were having a bit of a cuddle and a kiss, I was a virgin and they all knew this, and knew I wasn't comfortable with having sex. but there we go... what's happened has happened, there's no way i can go back and change this!

I don't mind you asking, well.. he wants to kill me. so our relationship isn't very good at all, its ruined our family as well, we don't speak to any of them any more! Some of my family believe him, which to be honest I don't care, I no the truth 'ish' and he definitely knows the truth.

My cousin used to threaten me all the time after the rape happened.. he used to send me death threats and everything. He also used to threaten my family, he walked up to my Brother once, with 2 big dogs, threatening him. On the estate where the 4 boys live, my Gran live's down their, they graffiti'd her house, with abusive messages about me. And basically the whole estate.

Was a very dark time in my life. where I just wanted to take my life. I didn't want to put my family through all of that, and I hated falling out with 'friends' because of it.

 

[leanne1321]

I know that you shouldn't have been drinking, but hey who didn't? It's a part of growing up so don't blame yourself for it, they took advantage of you and took something that you'll never get back. Hindsight is a terrible thing. You were doing something that every teenager does and you were one of the few unlucky ones. But of course, it's a learning curve and it's unfortunate that you had to learn a very, very harsh lesson, but it was never your fault.

 

[Shannon]

and I did learn a lesson, believe me or not, but I don't drink with my friend's when they all go drinking, I have a bottle of like WKD, VIB or something, cause although they are my friends, I cant trust anyone any more! and there is no way that I want to go through what I've already been through! I'm just sad that my friends don't learn from me, and they still go out with random lad's getting drunk, it makes me mad. but it's their life I suppose:/

 

[Muzikluvr]

I'm glad to hear that you've changed your behavior to protect yourself. I've been sad/angry before that for some reason, I can't go out without a care in the world without being raped, whereas others can. But, some of those others handle it differently. I have a cousin who was raped by the bully who raped me. Instead of being afraid, she chose to enjoy it. She became extremely promiscuous after that. Always searching for a high like the first time.

But, other girls go out and LOOK like they're cutting loose and having a good time, but they're in control of themselves. They don't take drinks from others and they leave when the majority of people are leaving. NEVER be the last one to leave at a party. NEVER stay when the number of boys are about equal to the number of girls... or worse, outnumber the girls.

This isn't about what Happened, but about what Could happen. I don't want to see you hurt again.

And, since you knew your abusers and didn't think they would ever do that to you, and you have the privilege of hindsight, can you think of behaviors that existed in them before that weren't ethical or morally correct? Behaviors that when directed at people you didn't like or didn't know, you weren't concerned about? Because, sometimes you can get clues about what people are capable of by how they treat strangers and enemies. At any point, a friend can become an enemy.

So, again, this is not about what Happened, but what Could happen. Just trying to add some things to consider so that you can figure out who to trust and who to be wary of... and how to have fun without being at High Risk...just low to moderate risk. ;)

Hindsight hurts, until you can understand that we humans make lots of mistakes, and we don't always KNOW what certain social cues mean, or what to be wary of. Also, EVERYONE in their teens is trying to test the limits given by their parents, and as such, we sometimes get burned by having fun in ways that we're told not to. Hindsight is easier to handle with a forgiving heart and a little distance. You can then look at the facts, the emotions, the words and gestures and begin to see things in your present and future that clue you into high risk people and situations.

I want to leave you with a reminder of what I said before, what everyone here will tell you and what is the absolute TRUTH no matter what backwoods, redneck S.O.B says about it... RAPE is not the VICTIM's Fault! You are NOT to blame for the RAPE. You would have been safe at that party if those boys weren't RAPISTS. And, yes I drank underage so I'm not condemning your behavior. I'm pointing out that it is irresponsible, and that YOU can prevent some rapes from happening by changing your behavior... and by being aware of how your friends treat other people.

But, a rapist will rape if he sees a chance to, and not everything can be prevented.

 

[Shannon]

I do try and go out and have a good time, and most of the time I do! I just stay with my group of friends, i don't really socialise a lot any more!:/ I don't really know why. This may sound stupid, but sometimes I feel jealous of my friends, they are able to go out without a care in the world, and have a brilliant time! Where as I worry about things way to much. And I often find that I go home early, or suggest to watch a film with my boyfriend and have a night in.

After the rape, I started to question whether I knew something would eventually happen between me and 2 of the boys, as they were both in to me. And they always tried it on, but I would turn them down, and after a while of trying they would accept that. Although one of the boys found it very hard to accept the fact I had said no, and he would use words that would make me smile and feel good about myself, so I'd just give him some cuddles and a kiss and be a bit flirty. Now I realise, I shouldn't have. But I was young and stupid.

Yes, I understand now that it wasn't my fault, but like you said I possibly could've stopped it from happening. That's what gets me so mad with myself! I feel so ashamed that I got into that situation, and I got that drunk, and even agreed to go to a party with 4lads and only 1 girl in the first place when I knew there was going to be alcohol and weed, that my cousin and 1 of the lads smoke! (I'm completely against it.) I realise now how f'in stupid I was!

Thank you so much for your kind and helpful reply's.

 

[Muzikluvr]

That's the thing with our memories, we have to confront our own naivete, and forgive ourselves for being HUMAN.

It's important to confront that, from my point of view, because when we feel stupid or humiliated or like we "caused" it, or we should have "known" better... then it makes it harder to report rape and other sexual assaults. The rapists always want to make it about our bad choices and blame the victims. Sometimes society falls for it.

But the truth is that, you went into a situation, trusting in the friendships you had with those boys. And that is nothing to be ashamed of.

Those boys scored the date rape drug (right? or some other drug to spike your drink with) which shows premeditation, AND they provided alcohol to a minor, they lured you there on the pretense of a party, they spiked your drink when you weren't looking, they peer pressured you into drinking it, and then when you were UNCONSCIOUS they raped you.

They should have all gone to jail for ENTRAPMENT. And, I wonder which one raped you... when it took all of them to get you there and in that condition.

So, knowing the part you played in that whole scheme is valuable for the future, but you couldn't have known what they were planning, you couldn't have prevented it then, with what you knew then, and the only thing useful about going over what you did leading up to it is to A) forgive yourself for being human and not knowing what you didn't know... and B) For future reference, to prevent any further assaults.

But, there is much that you don't know, and if something happens again, you will have to go through this same process to assign blame where it belongs, take responsibility for the lessons that can be learned, forgive yourself repeatedly until you can stand to view the flashback without feeling the sting of it, and move forward.

 

[Shannon]

Yes, date rape drug.

I just feel like they never got punished for it. Whenever I see them, they are always smiling and laughing! They spent 1 night in a cell. But I believe in Karma and it will come back around sooner or later.

But for now, they carry on with their life's. And who know's if their doing this to other girls? I mean one of the boys has got 3children all under the age of 2! And the girls are all under the age of 17! Makes me so mad!

I don't believe the dreams and flashbacks I have. I think that's my problem, I don't want to believe them. I still hate to admitt that I was raped. I feel that I will never get over this, and I can't get my head around it, not even know, nearly 3years after it happened.

All I want to do, is to go to the 4boy's and talk to them. Ask them why? Ask them for the truth, what really happened that night? Ask them who done it? And just get all the questions and things that I want to say to them out of my head. But in other ways, I don't even want to look at them, even acknowledged that they are there. I just cant help it... is this even normal? To feel like this?

 

[Muzikluvr]

Absolutely! Normal to want to know, want an explanation, expect them to tell you the truth... but they will not tell the truth or explain it to you. They are liars, manipulators, and rapists. And, being around them is a threat to your safety. STAY away from them.

I gotta run. Take care!