Can I Develop New Disorders By Not Being Careful?

[Abstract]

but I have sort of gotten it in my head that my DID could get worse,

Oh I can totally see why that would be a concern. If I didn't know that mine was not DID I would totally be doing that too. The level of disconnection and internal fighting is just plain ridiculous. It has turned physical at times. If I had not read ridiculous amounts about dissociation I would possibly end up worrying too. And the fact that although I am amnesia for large chunks of time I know my trauma would not fit. Because of that it would not occur to me.

It seems you might already know you have DID though and that is obviously different. As far as I understand it the first development and capacity to develop a full blown identity happens before the age of 5. So you either have it already or you are not going to develop it now if that makes sense. Or if you have more DDNOS and Emotional Parts rather than Apparently Normal Parts then you are not going to start developing ANP's at this point.

When I am not convinced I am psychotic or have factitious disorder or both at the same time (nice logic there) I think mine is some sort of extreme introject or my inner critic has taken some speed. It definitely is a part of me or parts of me at war with myself. It helps me to remember that we are all made of parts and are not one and that experiences and early development can mean they are less seamless than desired. Understatement? ;-) It is just the extent of the disconnect that is in question.

Are the voices inside your head and are you actually hearing them or is it an extreme version of inner dialogue?

PS.
I don't have the brain capacity to re read it now but this is the article I found: http://www.minddisorders.com/Br-Del/Delusions.html

 

[Kintsugi]

Cwolf, I think I'm mostly just paranoid that I will either have a break or develop really serious DID symptoms or voice hearing if I'm not careful in my grounding. I think it really just makes me paranoid to know that when I did hallucinate--and I will clarify at the time I was not majorly sleep deprived, just in a weird floaty part of my life, since sleep deprived hallucinations are fascinating but less vivid for me--I did not mind at all, maybe was even enjoying it. I also worry that some sounds I think are real are not, which is something my SO experiences a lot ("Hey, hun? Are there [people talking outside/is choir music playing/whatever]? No? Oh okay."). And I certainly worry that if I go on with these bouts of auditory hallucinations they will actually start engaging me or something.

Usually when I hear a person, it's some phrase to just catch my attention. Then I look, and I'm alone. Sometimes I don't have to look, because where the voice came from is a sink of a wall or something. Honestly I prefer when I suddenly hear my mother say something or call for me, since she can't possibly be there 99.9% of the time, as I live far away.

No shit as I was writing that I started hearing monkey-like chattering outside my window and was like Oh god I did this to myself! But I'm pretty positive now it was a really real squirrel dispute, or some birds, or some other real manifestation of the physical world. >.<

 

[Abstract]

Hope I never return.

I can only begin to imagine. When I have been seeing things and had bad paranoia it was quite painful enough thank you and yet I realise that there was always part of me that could tell afterwards or at some point.

Hopefully your healing will mean no return.

Has your partner got any other diagnoses than PTSD MA Sunshine?

 

[Cwolf220]

For me, btw never diagnosed with dissociative, when I lost it so to speak it was awful. I thought people were watching me through walls and mirrors, saw men with guns, drove my car all around trying to "escape"- it just took time to come out of it. At least I know police response time is quick where I was- had seven state troopers after me. And don't considers myself all that nuts... but, with meds and tx have managed it. The hallucinations began as music through vents that I could not identify and graduated to people whispering on my ears. Not sure if that resembles voices in your head but they sure did direct my behaviour over the course of several days. Freaking scary shit. Think I can identify and manage them now instead of a full-blown CSI investigation... But hard to accept it may occur again.

 

[Kintsugi]

Are the voices inside your head and are you actually hearing them or is it an extreme version of inner dialogue?

The latter, and it's really not an issue--the DID. My T told me I likely qualify as DIDNOS, but that it wasn't helpful to focus on since it's merely symptomatic of my PTSD. And I haven't been having huge problems with dissociation lately, just a lot of derealisation and being weirded out by my blanking then surfacing memory from the past year. But I haven't been losing time lately, not since I was first active here, and I *know* I don't have split personalities, and I also know I have never moved when I've lost time. I just realize I've been standing in the same spot for god knows how long, and I've found evidence it was longer than I'd imagine, but never hours or days.

I *think* I know what you mean by the internal struggle can get physical, or maybe I'm assuming things, but my experience is, like, trying to parent myself. Like what I was saying before where I tell myself specifically, Do *not* say X, Y, and Z! And I do it anyway, compulsively. Same thing, often, with impulsive self harm. I've gotten really good at controlling myself, but I still can't be in a car while I'm feeling potentially out of control, because I'm worried I'll tell myself *not* to drive off the edge of the road or something, then off I'll go.

The two scariest instances of feeling like I lost touch with control was when I was really young and chopping vegetables, and I imagined something shameful, and when I came out of my daydream I had the knife tip pressing against my stomach. I didn't hurt myself, but I also had no idea how it got there. The other was more like a case of some weird derealisation, when I was driving and felt a sense of peace overcome me and something in me pushing me ever so gently to let the car glide across the road and up an opposing exit ramp for the highway. But those things weren't even internal dialogue. I can't say really what that is.

 

[Kintsugi]

He is manic, Abstract. He's had other diagnoses (BPD due to the DSM change and ADD or ADHD that became wholly asymptomatic in childhood and was possibly just a wrong diagnosis or successfully treated via rigorous martial arts training). Really he is just manic though. If he gets depressed it is ridiculously rare, not lasting, and not nearly in proportion to his mania. He hasn't been really, really ill since the beginning of our relationship. But he does have a lot of auditory hallucinations. Probably a lot more than I know about.

Edit: it might me a good idea to talk to him about why he was considered dangerous at one point. I never asked him if he was being instructed or if he was just violent.

 

[Kintsugi]

The hallucinations began as music through vents that I could not identify and graduated to people whispering on my ears. Not sure if that resembles voices in your head but they sure did direct my behavior over the course of several days. Freaking scary shit.

This scares me a lot more than what I know is internal. I would rather have aspects of myself vehemently argue than weird auditory hallucinations that at first listen seem external, are maybe spatially oriented, or are disembodied or seem "everywhere" and THEN seem to maybe be in my head. Did you know at those points you were hallucinating?

Like, I started seeing spots after taking some meds, and in the warm months it drove me nuts because I could never tell if there were bugs in my face or if they were imagined spots, so I was often not sure when I was seeing things. This, of course, is a whole lot different from seeing gaping black holes and bright flashes.

 

[Cwolf220]

I'm sorry, don't panic. I will be honest- I did not know what was happening until I could look back. Mine seemed to be sort of vibrating from somewhere distant, plus I developed paranoia and became fearful of being watched, the worst hit when I was alone and thought someone was talking in my head. Now- if it happened again I would know and could shut it down. Back then had a ton of issues I was starting to deal w so was not sleeping at all. Again- don't panic it is manageable.

 

[Kintsugi]

I love your compassion for me in asking me not to panic. But please, don't apologize for sharing invaluable personal experience. :)

Actually, that seems better than knowing. At least I usually know when I'm hallucinating sounds at some point.

I've always suffered from very bizarre and intense paranoid thoughts. I can realize now when I'm being paranoid, but when I was a child I took for granted that I assumed a panel of people were watching me through my TV and other such nonsense. Very Big Brother stuff. I still do this occasionally, but I at least realize that it's nonsense.

I still don't understand how no one thought there might be something wrong with me after I had a complete panic attack and breakdown when I was eight because I was *convinced* the UPS guy was following me.

 

[Abstract]

At one point part of me was saying (in the sense that you mean to - internal dialogue not actual voices but very intense) that I was fine and just needed to get on with my life. The other part that I was mad and crazy and the third that I need trauma T. I repeatedly found myself saying "I am fine, I am fine, I am fine"whist self harming. Crazy making stuff.

Actually, your time loss sounds entirely likely to be dissociative trance related which is good. I believe mine is too. That or fugue ish.

Oh and it probably isnt what you meant but anxiety can make us see spots out of the corner of our eye.

Glad your guy is managing the consequences of his mania better.

As far as I know psychotic voices come from the outside not inside our heads but I am not expert.

 

[Abstract]

Wolf, that sounds positively terrifying. I am sorry to hear you experienced that. My paraania has been quite enough thank you very much and nothing as bad as that.

This may not be interesting to you but I listened to the TED talk listed on here and found it inspiring. Someone who has been diagnosed with schizophrenia (so different to what we are discussing here) but has an interesting approach to it. https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-...rong-with-you-but-what-happened-to-you.36084/

 

[Kintsugi]

I think we've decided that I can't develop an entirely new brand of crazy by not being vigilant enough about current crazy unless I begin to think my auditory hallucinations are real and they persist and direct my actions. And that's good news. I've never heard whispering telling me to do anything. Just some random shit that isn't there and I realize at some point is not there, much like my SO's experience (I really love this about the relationship, too, since we are comfortable asking one another if a sound or sight [flickering lights, usually] is real).

I'd just like to say to anyone who reads this thread and experiences auditory hallucinations that they are confused about the reality of, having a dog who will respond to sounds at least by looking in their direction or putting her ears forward is really great. ...That was the problem with that weird animal chittering last night. I kept looking at her and saying "Do you hear that?" Usually, though, she will invalidate my hallucinations by not responding or validate real noises by paying attention. It's good stuff. It also helps a lot with paranoia. There are times I'm convinced I hear someone walking around my house when I'm alone, or walking around outside windows, but I know she would react to any abnormal sounds and tell me something was up.

Thanks to everyone for not being dismissive of my paranoia. And a special thanks to you, Abstract, for sharing some things about personality alters, which always freaked me out since early in my symptomatic life. I did have insane personality shifts, but I know now that it was mostly just regression based on my abusive relationship (speaking unintentionally in a child voice, for example), and now I know further that I can't split later in life.

Regardless of how invalid or valid my fears are, I know I will feel better when I am outside the "danger zone" age of disorders that typically show in late adolescence and young adulthood, and I'm almost there. This has always been a fear of mine since I dated a guy with a paranoid schizophrenic father--we were forever looking out for warnings in his behavior because of his age. It has made me consider this time vigilantly. As if I am not vigilant enough in general. :P

One more note on compartmentalized personality traits. The last time I was here, at my parents', my mother asked me if when I said things that were uncharacteristically mean spirited, that was a compartmentalized part of myself coming out, essentially. I laughed and said, No, that's the real me. The nice sunny me is the one that is fabricated, mom, to protect you from who I am.