Can I Still Have A Normal Relationship In Future?

[J_trustno1]

Not feeling so great about life and past. I am feeling kind of sick about what has happened then. It feels as if I am trapped in my past life. Argh! not so great.

I've never been in a relationship my entire life. I fear male contact. I avoid male contact and even if they are from a friend (i.e. friendly hugs and non-sexual). I was molested at the age of 9. I have been going on antidepressants ever since I was 16 because of domestic violence, emotional and verbal abuse from relatives. Now I fear that I will not meet anyone and if I ever will, I will not let him come near and he will leave me. My question is, will it be possible to have a romantic relationship with someone in future because of my screwed up childhood.

 

[Bedbug]

Yes, it is possible. I was also sexually abused as a child and never had a romantic relationship until I met my husband at the age of 28. We have been together for over 10 years now and I love him dearly. I don’t understand it, I "shouldn't" have let him get close or trusted him, but somehow I did.

I just wanted you to know it is possible.

 

[J_trustno1]

Thanks. I have trouble trusting male species. I see them as users, pedophiles, rapist and abusers. Its only been about male domination in my life. Now, I have a fear of them.

@Bedbug : but thanks for the hope.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think it will take a lot of work, but is possible. I can't identify with your specific issue as my abuse was mainly at the hands of females and so my problem is with females, but I know others have been able to have relationships after recovering from abuse by males.

 

[scout86]

Do you want "normal" or "great"? (Go with great!)

You CAN, that's not a guarantee that you WILL. Your odds are better if you work on your own stuff first. It will help you make better choices and be a better partner. Maybe you need to find a safe way to meet more males of the species. Many of them are quite nice and very interesting, but you wouldn't have a chance to know that if you've only had a chance to meet the bad specimens.

 

[WillyKat]

I have similar issues with both men and women. I was abused by an older boy when I was six. My mother and teachers failed to see obvious signs that something had happened and that something was seriously wrong. To this day I have trouble trusting anyone. And even when I trust them, it seems I keep a certain wariness. I keep an arm's length and I'm always ready to run. As a man myself, I've had a few experiences where women didn't trust me, not for any real reason, but because maybe I reminded them of someone that abused them…I don't know. And I can tell you w/o a doubt that not being trusted cuts pretty deep.

This is one of the effects of PTSD, and it mixes very poorly with another one: we tend to see the present in terms of the past. So any mistake someone makes, saying or doing something that would be a neglegible w/o PTSD, like a hug, becomes a trigger with PTSD. Then wham, we don't trust them. So I think the skills we learn to deal with the symptoms of hypervigilance will help in all of our relationships, romantic or otherwise. With that, we'll be better able to know who to trust and who not to trust.

Right now, it's hard for you to trust anyone, and that serves the purpose of keeping you safe. But you can't be alone your whole life, so you'll need to refine the skills to evaluate people more effectively. So congratulations on getting to the point where you recognize where you'd like to go from here.

 

[Al_Lurker]

I won't say it can't happen since I can't foretell the future but I can say this... I am in love with and was engaged to a wonderful woman, one who was abused as a child and has had multiple instances of violence in her adult life. A four year relationship as friends and lovers died a sudden, fiery death when I inadvertently triggered her fear of abandonment. I believe this is a result of her not being treated for PTSD or ever coming to terms with the incidents she has suffered. One simple argument and she painted me with the same brush as the men in her past that had raped her, beat her and mentally abused her. In spite of the fact that I'm not those men and never gave her any other reason to think I was like them she now cannot forgive me and continue the relationship even though she has admitted she was happier than she'd ever been when with me she now cannot trust me. I do not believe she is truly capable of sharing the kind of intimacy that is necessary for a healthy, loving relationship.

So to answer your question, yes it is possible. But no matter how much you think you might want a happy, loving relationship with a man you need to be sure you can do that. You need to know what a real relationship is with ups and downs and problems and how to be a healthy part of one. If you haven't resolved your feelings in your head and can share yourself with another by communicating and resolving your fears and problems the relationship will fail. It begins with you...

 

[franciemarnie]

Anything is possible.

My relationships changed or my ability to have them changed as I have focused on healing.

I think if we work on healing and heal, all sorts of things we never imagined possible can happen.

 

[Jane.l]

Mmm difficult question to answer because we are all so individual . I have had relationships - I do seem to fall for people who ultimately end up harming me but is that because of me and my past ? Or maybe because of my past I am choosing the wrong partners ?

I am hoping now I have actually begun to confront the past and I am working hard to get better in therapy that when I decide I am feeling able to reconnect and have a relationship I will be making better choices.

Do we ever get through the trust issues - the abandonment issues - the fear of letting someone get close ? I really don't know but when I am in a better place somehow I am going to find the bravery to give it another go .

 

[billie]

I think it's good to have hope hun.... if you maybe work on allowing yourself to have hope then thats a great start :)

 

[J_trustno1]

@billie: you are a true sweetheart billie. thanks for your kind words. I will try being positive.

 

[PureDogs]

@jess_trustno1

Yes I believe that there would be a normal relationship.

It will be difficult, however, you would need to open up with other person AND make sure the person is true to you, being true supporter, and all being loyalty.

I have challenges trust people in general (In the past, I have trust issues toward men then I thought women would be much different but at the end - It doesn't show any difference).

I may be sounds like I'm dwelling on betrayals but it is not what I'm dwelling about. It was how I have been treat and how my life turns out with too many issues which I don't want to open more about myself here.

I don't know if I am making sense here. :-)