Relationship Can My Boyfriend Ever Heal And Trust. (childhood Neglect And Combat Ptsd)

[Deleted member 1860]

I echo the sentiments of @bell.

 

[anonymous]

I've read all of this thread and there are a few things that I wanted to say. Firstly I believe that his trust issues are stemming from child abuse and that though his later army experiences may have reinforced these I would see him as an abuse survivor first. Secondly, this is a global forum and many users here are from the UK. I do understand everyone else's concerns but I am aware that people say things heated in the moment that they don't mean and are obviously not serious threats; for example I have a family member repeatedly swears she will kill herself, even in tears but over things like not being able to find her glasses or a piece of paper she was waving around only moments ago to be laughing off seconds later when she finds them. I've known other people use the phrase jokily, sarcastically and even affectionately. Though even when in a state not mean it's usually not meant literally, and is instead a shout out that they aren't coping personally or with the situation. Maybe this is a cultural UK thing, but I've seen this a lot and on TV as well where it is not meant as a serious threat just as expression of frustration. I think a lot of people have also misunderstood that he was violent towards you, which I haven't read in any of your posts with the exception of that choice phrase.

The main issue for me would be the cheating, don't accept it because of PTSD, because whilst all sorts of emotional issues might cause one to feel insecure or anything else that might lead to cheating, then it might keep happening, but he could also use his common sense and not. You have do decide whether it's acceptable to you as a permanent behaviour. The situation that you said about someone who cheated compulsively, sounds more to do with a personality disorder than PTSD and I see you've mentioned a personality disorder in another post, has he got this diagnosed as well?

The fact that he is currently not getting help but will soon be is good, but I am concerned as many therapies in the UK are limited by time and the fact that this is military, they might not delve into the underlying issues from his childhood. Also expect the therapy, whilst good will stir up a lot and may well make things worse before they get better for both of you. Mirtazapine generally doesn't affect the libido and shouldn't make him more distant, but this could arise from his mental health state with or without the medication.

Overall if you're wanting to remain in a relationship with him, it's not our place to judge. I'd recommend rather than saying it's PTSD or it isn't, say whether it's acceptable or it isn't. Then I'd try not to label the relationship and just play it by ear, no pressure and just be gentle, patient and consistent. If after a certain amount of time things get better great, if they stay the same well again, you have to be the one to decide if that's ok for you, if they get worse respond accordingly. I would also say please keep yourself safe and never put your needs after his, you are the only one looking out for you so you need to take extra care to do it well!

 

[Echo]

@anonymous, I agree with much of what you say, but if you read the thread again, you will see that this threat to kill was not meant jokily. I am also from the UK, I can also confirm that there is a culture of dismissing abusive, undermining, derogatory comments as jokes. I've an entire lifetime of it from my father, mother, uncles, etc. It is never a joke. It is emotional abuse. Your example of someone looking for their glasses and suggesting they might kill themselves, not anyone else, is not really in the same league, with all due respect.

 

[anonymous]

@digger1 I have experience threats of being killed a lot and seen others close to me being threatened with it in seriousness and as a control mechanism, the problem is I take so much of that sort of thing as being normal I don't really know. Also I have friends that joke with me a lot like: "You know I love you but I could kill you" I am saying that that is at the opposite end of the spectrum, but that it is a spectrum, and between threatening it seriously, or just as something to say in the heat of the moment and as a joke are all on that spectrum and that there are times where it can be more acceptable than others. Though I suppose none of them are acceptable and actually there might not be that much difference between seriousness and just saying it for dramatic effect - you've certainly given me something to think about :) . The only reason I gave the example I gave, is that relative will go from happy to crying and shouting in extreme distress then back to happiness and laughing in under half a minute and it is all very genuine - and they threaten others as well if they get angry and as far as I'm aware it's not a real threat of violence, but just words that are used to hurt (and they never, ever remember saying it after either). I never know what is normal and what isn't with some people, I think however that some people are genuine, I don't know, I just wanted to give the OP some other advice in case the majority of people here had got the wrong end of the stick or she felt she was being misunderstood or not heard properly.

I swear my intentions were good!

 

[digger]

@digger1

??wrong tag I think

 

[anonymous]

Yes! Sorry that's what comes from having soooo many tabs open and being in the middle of reading 12 threads!

 

[Justmehere]

But I have decided to open my mind and realise he may never be comfortable in situation where he has to be reliable and responsible for a girlfriend. But I won't turn my back on him while he is unwell either. People need help at this stage. I have two links I am going to try post below.

I'm going to say something that is hard: You. Can. Not. Save. Him. It is not good for *him* for you to try! He needs to hit rock bottom and he is not going to do that with a girlfriend/friend who is so willing to excuse his very wrong and sometimes criminal behaviors. He needs professionals and people in his life that will say, this is not acceptable and I won't let you victimize and abuse me like this. He's addicted to alcohol. You know that. People with addictions don't get better until they hit rock bottom and no one is enabling or excusing their addictions anymore. MOST people with addictions have severe trauma backgrounds. That's why they are self medicating... and that's why many people enable them out of feeling bad for them. It is only when he is faced with real consequences of his actions that he will get better. You are impeding his recovery, not helping, with all your "acceptance" and excuses and explaining away his behaviors as PTSD or whatever you explain it away as. You are actually not helping but harming his recovery with how much you excuse and accept his behaviors.

My safety has never been at risk in his company. He was using alcohol to self medicate for years before he met me, since 2010, but not all the time

You write a lot, he does this bad thing, "but..." You have an excuse for all of it.
No alcoholic drinks 24-7, or they would be in a coma. He is an alcoholic. That affects behaviors. Have you ever gone to an al-non meeting? Please go. What you describe is more the consequence of alcoholism than just PTSD.

I have read other forums where ex service men have addiction issues through PTSD and TBI, (traumatic brain injury). These addictions can be drugs, drink, porn, women. Indeed in my occupation I am aware of a man with PTSD who developed an addiction with meeting strangers for sex when his PTSD was at it's worst. He was married and it almost destroyed his family.

People do attempt to cope with pain by becoming addicted to many things. They develop whole new behavioral problems outside of the PTSD. But PTSD itself does not include addiction in the list of symptoms.

I have read other forums where ex service men have addiction issues through PTSD and TBI, (traumatic brain injury). These addictions can be drugs, drink, porn, women. Indeed in my occupation I am aware of a man with PTSD who developed an addiction with meeting strangers for sex when his PTSD was at it's worst. He was married and it almost destroyed his family.

People do attempt to cope with pain by developing addictions. However, PTSD does not include in it's diagnostic symptom set addictions and threats to kill girlfriends.

Your boyfriend's pain is so HUGE and clearly he does not have what he needs to cope with it, and it will be years, if not longer, of intensive treatment (which he is not getting and does not seem interested in) before anything changes. You mentioned he has a TBI. He is also now damaging his brain with alcohol. This is why it will take much much longer for him to improve.

My safety has never been at risk in his company.

You are in denial. People here are trying to show you. You respond with excuse and explanation after excuse. That is sadly common for someone who is co-dependently attached to someone who is addicted to alcohol or other drugs.

I say this as someone who is very good friends with someone who is in recovery from an addiction. But she went through very intensive treatment and is now sober, and fights and works hard to stay sober. Your boyfriend is not.

My friend did not get the help she needed to heal from the addiction and the trauma that was behind it until we all left her and told her we would not be in her life until she got sober. Most people with addictions do not get well until they lose all the people who are willing to tolerate their behaviors... like you.

You attitude and stance towards his addiction and his behaviors is not helping him.

It is also putting you in harms way. That is also not good for him.

I used to work with people in prison. People sometimes murder people as a way to cope with pain they don't have skills to otherwise cope with. Please stop excusing homicidal threats to your life to a group of people here on this forum that includes many survivors of severe abuse. My own life was threatened verbally by someone. I stuck around. At the time, I thought many of the same things you describe here. He later got drunk again and actively sought to kill me. It is a miracle I am alive. People here are speaking to you from lots of experience of surviving the very kinds of behaviors you are talking about.

 

[Justmehere]

p.s. maybe looking up information about alcoholism will help you become better educated about how to handle being friends with or the girlfriend (you do describe him as your boyfriend in the title of this thread) of someone who is drinking and not sober. Alcohol dependence and alcohol abuse are recognized by DSM-IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) as "alcohol use disorders." It's a whole other mental health problem in addition to PTSD, the TBI, and the personality issues he has going on. Often, partners of people with addictions have severe denial themselves. This is in the literature about partners of people with addictions. I see so much of that in what you write too. You are so ready to excuse or explain every horrible thing he does, even if he does it to you again and again. That is very common for people in relationship with people with addictions. I have been there. I say these hard things just because I just want the best for you and him.

It is sometimes common for people who are alcoholics to escalate into domestic violence. All the warning flags are there in this relationship you have with him, in abundance, and he has already shown a tremendous capacity to hurt you in so many ways and to not be capable of stopping himself. Most perpetrators of domestic violence in jail for their acts of domestic violence want their partners in their lives too.... much like your boyfriend/friend wants you in his life... That does not make it right. He needs help. I am doubtful he will get the help he needs until you leave him and show him just how wrong his behaviors are.

 

[Justmehere]

p.p.s. I feel bad for the harshness of my words. I don't blame you for anything you are dealing with, and I apologize if anything I say is hurtful to you. My words are strong because I care about you and him. I want the best for you both. I do speak from my own experience, and I own the fact that it colors my opinion. Some of what I say may fit, some of it may not, but I do hope you consider the opinions of folks and those of others in your life. I know it is so hard to walk away from someone who has been through so much, and I think you might be looking for hope that it will change and reasons to stay. I'm just offering an opinion that there might be more hope and possibility for recovery if you take a break from being in relationship with him until he gets better.

(Ok, I will stop rambling now. I think this triggered my own stuff, and I'm actually kind of glad it did. It made me realize I still need to work on what I went through myself.)

 

[Miss walt]

Yes, exactly! Anonymous does see the phrase as an outburst of anger. Following that statement, he said "and nobody will ever stay with you either." I must really stress to people if I ever for one minute thought my life was in danger even by someone I loved I would involve the police, both for my and his safety. However, he was many miles away and the "threat" was said over the phone. It seems to be the only thing people have latched on to. In my company, he has never abused me, verbally or rowed with me and his nature is calm here even if anxious. I am a talker not a shouter or a moaner lol, and it's generally how I have got him to the help he needs. I have utmost respect for myself and him and I do not accept the facebook cheating/banter as something I can put up with. I have explained this to him last week before he left for work in Africa. I will support his therapy and attend with him but I am refraining from any more physical contact with him, as just as he needs to learn trust, he needs to learn respect too.

Anonymous, he has not been diagnosed has having a personality disorder, it is just my belief. But the more I read on PTSD and disassociation behaviour, the more I learn. You also said it is best not to label the relationship, and this is best advice I am sure. I am no longer putting my life on hold. But I'm still here for him.

I think people here have mistaken that one sentence that he is a violent man. He has been in trouble with the police in his teens for fighting whilst drunk. But even at his worst, rock bottom, when he was drinking, he refrained from violence when any kind of trouble has started. I am hoping he will move away from marseille in France as this is where there is a clash of cultures and a lot of ex legionnaires with loss of direction and drinking habits. To sit in with him and his psych and hear himself say he has bitten through his own tongue once in order to prevent lashing out, is heart breaking but I see he has hung on to an element of control.

I have had PTSD too, like many of you here, but I have never been ill treated by people I trusted or and I have never witnessed the horrors of war or picked up people's heads and limbs. I did emotionally withdraw and felt like everyone was against me, I even thought my own husband despised me and as a result I ended up hating him briefly. We split up for other reasons I might add.

My genuine hope is that, 29 years of damage can be sifted through, that in time, he gradually integrates back into society and not feel the need to ring me all the time to see if I have locked up and tell me to keep my phone on me and ring him when I get from a to b to let him know I'm safe. I'm hoping the demons that made him into the terrified and insecure man he is with a need and a greed for attention can be addressed. I am hoping that he makes leave with himself, his past and has a good future, for himself.

Thank you for all of your input and words. Xx

 

[Miss walt]

Just me here, I believe he has a form of alcoholism. The psych team have told him he is NOT an alcoholic, but using it to deal with symptoms. He works on an oil rig and is is solely responsible for the well being and emergency trauma care there. There is no alcohol on rigs. I let him it rock bottom, it is the reason he had a breakdown at work and was evacuated. It was him that chose therapy and help, you cannot drag someone there. The old chestnut that is you cannot help,someone who won't help themselves is true. I didn't contact him or try and encourage him to get help after I ended our relationship at Xmas, he contacted me and said I need help, pleased an you make me that appointment. I did walk away briefly I guess.

Partners of people with PTSD who are in denial I guess don't bother to do the research and just generally "put up" with " bad behaviour" or just end it and think their partner is an idiot, like all of his exes have done,than look for reason why the behaviour is caused.

I work for emergency service occ health, many of our firefighter are military and between delayed PTSD from military days, and sudden onset PTSD from attending incidents, I see many men come through our service and have such traits. Many are helped and the odd few aren't. It is and never has been my believe I can save this person in my life. But I do believe that this is the first opportunity for him to have a chance to be well. In the grand scale of things, I think, a relationship is perhaps a way off for him and and learning how to manage PTSD and not battle it is the first step.

I know of military wags that share similar stories to me, but I guess I was looking more for stories from those that have been abused or neglected in the past to,she'd any further light or experiences on things, x

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think a more important question is why do you feel the need to be the one to save him? Why are you willing to throw yourself under the bus for him?

You don't seem to be able to comprehend the rock bottom concept, and until you can, I think you will go round and round in circles trying to do what's best for him.

Edited to add...
You SAY point blank that you don't want to save him, however your actions and wording of everything else point to the fact that you actually do want to save him. Simply having the need to be the one to give him a chance IS in fact trying to "save" him. (Can you see this?)