Relationship Can My Boyfriend Ever Heal And Trust. (childhood Neglect And Combat Ptsd)

[Miss walt]

I can't haven't won't save him. He will always have PTSD. I did source the therapy for him, but he went of his own accord. X

 

[Justmehere]

Are you in treatment?

 

[Miss walt]

No. I went through a horrible phase when I was terminally ill. I was having CBT and then post transplant when PTSD was at its worst I saw a transplant psych. I'm also lucky where I work, it's like daily therapy. The scariest past of anxiety and depression is not knowing and not understanding, and when you have been through it and through the system you then have a tool box for dealing with it in the future, I have down days with C's behaviour at times, but over all I am very much a what will be will be optimist x

 

[Justmehere]

Have you done any reading about something called secondary or vicarious trauma?

I'm learning more about it myself.

Have you done any therapy around processing past trauma?

 

[Justmehere]

ps im so glad you are still us and that your transplant is working out well.

 

[Miss walt]

I have not researched this no. It is something I have heard social workers sometimes get. I do know a lady who was a social worker and had a nervous breakdown after dealing with a certain case. I'm not sure if it is the same thing though...

 

[Justmehere]

Anyone in relationship with someone with trauma can be impacted and have vicarious traumatization and develop their own PTSD symptoms even if they are never ever in danger, particularly if they are a very empathetic person. It sounds like your job entails being around a lot of ex military types with severe PTSD and addictions and you are seeking to understand and are empathetic of your boyfriend's battle too. It's not bad, but getting support being be really important.

I'm glad you are reaching out for support for you here. Would you ever consider your own therapeutic support too so that you have all the resources you can to best help him? The more support you have, heck the more support anyone has, PTSD or not, the better off people tend to be.

You have been through so much. I just want the best for you.

 

[Justmehere]

I want to gently challenge you that your boyfriend biting through his own tongue is not a sign of self control as you say, but a symptom of a lack of ability to properly self regulate.

I am a former self injurer and I have done a lot of reading and talking to professionals about it. It took me years of therapy and being hospitalized for a month to stop. I'm by no means an expert. I've just had to deal with it and learn a lot about it.

It's my understanding that self injury typically gets worse over time. It takes more and more self injury to regulate.

I don't know of a single professional that thinks self injury is a sign of self control. All the literature on it indicates it is a sign of great pain that the sufferer has to resort to great measures to try to control.

Your boyfriend is already at the point of really severe self injury, self induced physical abuse, in order to stop himself (as you describe) from abusing others. I'm concerned about happens when that stops working. He can't do much worse self injury without causing his own death and I'm concerned the self injury will stop "working" and he will lash out greater than he is. He has already shown a huge capacity to hurt you repeatedly and deeply and to not be able to stop himself.

You seem to have your mind made up to stay with him for now. What do you do so that you can stay safe when you are with him? What boundaries do you have?

PTSD sufferers need people in their lives that are as healthy and have as good of boundaries as possible. Otherwise there tends to be a great risk of what is sometimes called "trauma reenactment" - and that appears to already be going on in your relationship.

How do you stay safe when you are with him knowing what you know about him and what you feel is PTSD?

 

[Miss walt]

I genuinely believe that perhaps from what you read, you absorb slightly more intensely that perhaps I feel it. When we are together, spending time together, the worst of his emotion is a quiet and depressive mood, or tapping knee and puffing too regularly on his e-cig. There is never an argument that would escalate into me needing to find a safe place. Before he came here, to my home, he understood that if he felt bad, this is no place for temper. To go out and take the dog for a walk or go for a run is what he does if he feels particularly moody or anxious.

I almost think you imagine him stomping around here drunk trying not to hit me. It was the psychiatric nurse that told him that he has done well not to get involved in any fights whilst drunk, and not the biting of his tongue which was the control, that has happened as a consequence of him refraining from it. The psych told him he has done well to heed the warning so to speak. But as was discussed in the meeting, it could be a matter of time before that element of control one day goes and kaboom! And this is why he is now, amongst other reason in therapy, cos he recognises how close he has come. Why do I not feel threatened by him? Because our environment here is calm, we rarely drink, we walk, gym, go for coffee. I booked him into archery club. Pre taught skills are very therapeutic for PTSD sufferers and he was in archery club when he was 10. When he is off rotation his life lacks routine and structure and he has put effort in now to do gym and archery, and has a new love of cooking. He is aware that that in my home, there is no place for wreck less behaviour such such as smashing stuff up or punching doors. I know as a teen his mums home often took the brunt of temper, but he explains that being in the army really helped him get this under wraps.

I have a quiet but yet assertive nature, my home is clean, organised and quiet, and a peaceful place. I am also a trained reflexologist and have been treating him with this since he started on the mirtazipine too. He has never self harmed apartment from drinking binges. This was discussed at the initial therapy session too. When he said I am going to stop drinking completely, both me and the psych said no! The reason being, I know if he did that, he will then justify a binge by saying well I haven't drunk for six months. When what he needs to do is re educate on drinking. Treat it as a casual and happy/social thing not to self medicate. And so where has during his breakdown mid January he drank solid for ten days, when he returned here, to uk, in six weeks we shared three bottles of wine with meals.

There are things I am clear on an things I am not, I am not afraid of him and in fact I feel very protected when I am with him. I am convincing myself daily that he will never love. I once read that there is a cut off point where children have been abused. If they do not receive love and affection up to a certain age, there is little chance of them being able to function in a relationship as an adult. To call him my boyfriend still as I did in paragraph one, first thread, I guess was a loose term. We are as close as, and indeed I do still love him. I see him as a normal guy who is messed up without meaning to be harsh or dis respectful. Right now, I sit with an open mind, but I won't have a relationship with him while the facebook chitchat with other women goes on, no matter how real or not it is to him, it is disrespectful to me. It is my main issue with me and him. I have very good support networks and am able-to open up to people and work along side two nurses and a counselor who deal with PTSD, grief, addiction issues, so there is a mine of knowledge at my work. I am guessing it is why I don't get too worked up about him or this, just feel sad sometimes when I see him emotionless.

 

[Miss walt]

Really really sorry to hear that you were hospitalized for the self harming. It must be so difficult to go through. Do you trust people you get romantically involved with? He told me loved me so soon. I didn't say it, but said things were good and I was enjoying this. It was a few days later the first signs of mayhem struck with a disappearing act and three day binge. When I asked him why? He said, "this has happened before, the minute I feel something, something nice, I go off my head and try to lose it again" I feel that the relationship issues for him are rooted from his past, the fact his mum was murdered and the fact that his guardians then abused him. The military PTSD is the insomnia, the anger, the night terrors etc. The medication has already taken care of night terrors and insomnia. But I wish I knew if there was any chance of recovery of any percentage from the damage done as a child. The veterans service has said once, the next appointment takes place, a two hour slot, if they feel there is other factors involved in his mental illness they can bring in other types of psychs to address matters.

I know when to stick up for him, I know when to step back, I have learned a lot by watching his behaviour as well as my own research. Some people have dreadful start in life and for the people that hurt him as a child I just wish I could see them and ask why, how someone could hurt someone who actually underneath his anger and front has a funny, intelligent and intellectual and romantic heart. People's actions in life have a lot to answer for.

 

[Justmehere]

I work with severely abused children and orphans who have never had a parent. I completely disagree that there is a cut off for developing the capacity to love. There are different viewpoints on the effect of attachment wounds and there is developing neuroscience on this. I share from my experience of working with highly traumatized and neglected children.

PTSD and attachment wounds generally tend to make love scary. They do not generally create the lack of ability to love. I can not speak to if he will learn to love you or not.

Sure, I struggle with trust. I don't self injure to keep myself from fighting or threaten to murder those I love.

I did a one month hospitization in a PTSD treatment center so that I could stop self harming. The self harm was not severe, did not even cause permanent injury, but the act of self harming was numbing out the pain and thus preventing me from dealing with the trauma. It is what I had to do to fully break the cycle for me. Others do not have to do the same.

He may very well love you as he has said he does, but you seem pretty convinced he does not love you, not really, is this right? It would be a very understandable and a probably accurate conclusion from his actions.

You are committed and willing to tolerate being in a long term relationship with someone who you think does not have the capacity to love, right? That is whom you choose to be with and who you are comfortable living with - someone that you doubt the ability to love you. You are not choosing to have a different boyfriend and just be friends with this guy - it sounds more like you have made up that he is the guy you are holding out for and you call him your boyfriend in your starting post.

How do you feel when someone is loving and kind towards you? Does it help you feel calmer and more relaxed and ok? Right now you describe yourself as at peace and even feeling protected around someone you feel does not have the capacity to love you or with whom the ability to love you is in doubt.

Your original post even makes it clear you doubt his capacity to love you and that is clearly who you seem to feel ok around and choose to live with and be in relationship with, and you stay no matter how many times he cheats on you. It makes me wonder if you find love scary. You stay with someone who is chronically not loving to you.

You seem clear that he is the one with the problems and that you are helping by being a support for him and you have the capacity to do that and there is no problem with you or with being in relationship with him.

Or do I understand wrong? That may be the case.

 

[Justmehere]

I'm glad for the support network you have. That is great! Many people with PTSD do not have that.

While your co-workers may have lots of expertise, talking to co-workers or friends is not the same as having a trauma therapist to develop a one way relationship with where you are fully free and safe to process trauma, work on attachment wounds, and etc. In therapy, it's only the clients stuff in the room, and co-workers and friends have different and sometimes conflicting interests than a therapist. But different people have different paths to healing.