Relationship Can Ptsd Episodes Make You Revert To The Age Trauma Occured?

[WTF Happened]

I posted earlier about my ex-girlfriend who I believe suffered some kind of terrible trauma in her past (she has made reference to this but refuses to talk about it). Our close mutual friend fears it may have been a sexual assault.

As I discussed in the other thread, something has happened recently that caused a major meltdown, with the headline symptoms being a total personality change and emotional numbness. And of course, moving away from the city she's lived in for the past 8 years to take a job back in her hometown and live with mom.

I'm just trying to understand everything I can about this very sad and confusing change that I've seen in this woman I care about, and I'm wondering if PTSD can make you start behaving in the ways that you did back when the original trauma occurred?

For example, my ex is now drinking excessively and smoking. Two things she never did for as long as I've known her. I know that she used to smoke when she was younger and probably drank a lot too -- her teenage years were described to me as being a total mess, where she dated some shady characters, drug dealers, etc.

Of course we can't diagnose my ex over the internet, but I'm curious if this rings true to anyone who has suffered with PTSD or supported a sufferer -- someone's personality and maturity regressing to a much younger age?

Thank you.

 

[Deadman]

Many people with PTSD use alcohol, nicotine, and/or other drugs to self medicate. It really doesn't have anything to do with 'reverting'. Its a coping mechanism (a rather poor one).

 

[joeylittle]

Of course we can't diagnose my ex over the internet,

Enough said.

Lets talk about you for a bit - you're trying to understand symptoms of a disorder that your ex has not been diagnosed with...A trauma disorder based on trauma that she has told absolutely no-one about.

...our mutual friend, who is her friend from childhood, told me that she also thinks my ex suffered a past trauma, and she suspects it was rape. She said this because she confided in me that she had also been raped and my ex seemed to be the only one who could truly understand what she was going through.

This is your ex. The relationship started while she was in a four-year relationship with someone else. Your relationship lasted five months. A few months in (so, two? three?) was when she started feeling bad about how she left her ex.

She quite possibly was unhappy in her existing relationship...which led her to seek something new (with you), which led her to realize that the issue wasn't relationships, it was the bigger structure of her life...this is your description of her actions

She withdrew from me, asked for space to process things, which I granted. It was then that I first got a hint of trauma from her past: she said it was not just her ex that she has to heal from, but there were things from her past that she has long neglected. "The bottom line is I'm hurting and I need help."

"Hint of trauma"...there are so many possible issues that we can all carry forward from our past, that need working on.

Why are you involving yourself by attempting - twice now - to fit her into a PTSD diagnosis?

What is your hope - that she turns out to have PTSD, and that explains everything, and you and she get back together?

I really would like to know - because from my perspective, you are reaching for something you have zero evidence for.

 

[WTF Happened]

Thanks, joey. I can only imagine how ignorant I come off, posting on a PTSD forum in regards to someone who doesn't have a PTSD diagnosis. It must almost seem like when someone is having a bad day and they say "I'm so depressed!" while in the company of someone who has actual clinical depression. I'm an asshole, I get it.

You say you'd really like to know what I'm trying to accomplish here, as it seems like I am really reaching for something. And to an extent, maybe I am. I'm reaching for an explanation as to what could cause someone to do such a 180 in their personality.

While I admittedly only knew my girlfriend for a relatively brief period, it was a very close, intimate relationship (in spite of the fact that it's now clear rather large personal details were going undisclosed). I'm really discerning when it comes to dating and really cynical about exclusive relationships, so I was looking for any red flags I could find with this girl. But all I ever got was someone who continued to exceed my wildest expectations in terms of being loving, selfless, and compassionate. And a happy person to boot. Then she changed, seemingly overnight. As of today, these are the big things that stand out:

-Immediate emotional withdrawal
-Refused to communicate by anything other than text, and even then it was delayed
-Suicidal thoughts
-Panic attacks
-Breaking up over the phone with no emotion about it
-Quitting her job
-Leaving her city
-Started smoking
-Drinking excessively
-Emotional numbness

So you ask what I'm reaching for. I guess I'm trying to figure out what the underlying cause of all of this behavior is. Because it's not normal. I can deal with a normal breakup, that stuff happens. But this abruptly leaving, this personality change, this self-destructive behavior -- someone I care about is clearly hurting, and I want to know more about it.

Just searching for answers, joey. At worst, for my own sanity. At best, so I can be informed and able to support her one day if she ever decides that's what she wants.

 

[WTF Happened]

She quite possibly was unhappy in her existing relationship...which led her to seek something new (with you), which led her to realize that the issue wasn't relationships, it was the bigger structure of her life...this is your description of her actions

And yes, this is entirely possibly and I've spent a lot of time thinking about it. I'm sure that's a normal thing that happens with a lot of people. What's not normal is all the behaviors I listed above that accompanied it. If I was just some rebound and a mistake, she would bail, sure, but she would be kind about it. There's always been a tremendous amount of mutual respect between the two of us, and never in a million years would I suspect that would stop in the event of a breakup. If the roles were reversed and I just lost interest in her, I would be empathetic that I had just spent months telling her how certain I was that I loved her, and do everything I could to be kind. And I'm not nearly as as selfless a person as she is/was.

I'm not going to try and convince you my ex has PTSD. I've just looked at what I know, followed the symptoms, and it's led me here.

 

[joeylittle]

Because it's not normal.

Everything you listed is absolutely in the scope of normal human behavior.

Human beings go through life struggles and challenges, and crises. You have a lot of assumptions on who this woman is, based on meeting her at a particular time in her life, and filling a need she had at the time. In fact, because of the extreme circumstance of the start of your relationship - it's even more reasonable to assume that you did not truly know her, only the part of her that was getting out of that relationship she was in. She (likely) didn't know herself so well, either.

If you want to try and talk to her, I suggest you do. Don't be afraid to ask point-blank questions, and then, listen when she answers.

You won't find answers to any of your questions any other place, than with her.

Not everyone who experiences trauma - even PTSD-criteria trauma - develops PTSD. That doesn't mean they don't have shit to work out. But it does mean that they aren't subject to an entire constellation of life-altering symptoms. It means they are people, going through life-stuff, and life-stuff can be very hard. Other people (you) can get hurt. There's no reason for it, it's just life.

It's more likely that's the situation here - given what you know. Everything else, you need to talk to her. And you need to be prepared for the fact that she doesn't want to talk to you, because you represent a part of her journey that was an impulse that she may regret.

There's always been a tremendous amount of mutual respect between the two of us,

Always been - but in the context of an affair...yes? You think you knew her. You may not have. Your circumstances were quite complicated, and it's understandable that you don't see it that way - you had a different perspective.

 

[WTF Happened]

It's normal to emotionally withdraw overnight and break things off without warning or discussion? It's normal to tell someone you love them one day and the very next say you don't feel anything anymore? It's normal to have a close bond with someone (regardless of circumstances) and then to talk to them as if none of this ever even happened? You don't have to believe this girl has PTSD and honestly I hope she doesn't, but I'm not going to accept that this is just how people act. Like, "yeah, it's shitty but people do shitty things." I don't know who you hang out with, but I don't have anyone in my life who would treat someone so coldly, let alone someone they loved. Although, I guess I have one of those people now.

 

[joeylittle]

Is it normal to break off a four year relationship by going head-first into a new, intense relationship?

Is it normal to try and pathologize the actions of an ex, in order to understand them?

I think you are confusing normal, common, ok/not ok, and mentally ill.

But - other people should weigh in.

 

[WTF Happened]

With all due respect man, I came here to talk about the illness, not have my relationship analyzed. If you don't think it's PTSD or feel it's impossible to know or feel like I should just f*ck off and only come back once I know I am dealing with someone with PTSD, then just say that. I know exactly how crazy it sounds to bail on a 4-year relationship to start up something new with a new guy. We talked about it quite frequently, how if we were anybody else hearing about this we'd think we were crazy. Or stupid. But she did not reach that decision lightly, she certainly has no history of it, and anybody who saw us in person and not just heard a story on the internet could tell right away that we had the real deal. Turning her life upside down like that is not something she ever thought she would do,

Again, I really don't much feel like defending my relationship to a stranger on the internet. I'm dealing with enough right now, I don't need someone who has never met me or my ex making assumptions us.

 

[Deadman]

OK I'll weigh in. I like check lists so:

-Immediate emotional withdrawal

- Not a sign of PTSD as far as I am aware. Could just be a sign of changing her mind.

-Refused to communicate by anything other than text, and even then it was delayed

- I've known a few people who have done that or had it done to them. None had PTSD.

-Suicidal thoughts

- Almost everyone has had suicidal thoughts at one time or another. Can be a sign of PTSD but can just be a sign of being really stressed or unfulfilled.

-Panic attacks

- Lots of people have panic attacks. Most don't have PTSD. Many don't even recognize they've had one.

-Breaking up over the phone with no emotion about i

- That is just the same as texting the breakup.

-Quitting her job

- I quit several long before I experienced any trauma.

-Leaving her city

- I moved several times too. No PTSD involved.

-Started smoking

- I hear normal people do that.

Drinking excessively

- Lots of people do that. Sometimes due to stress. Sometimes due to genetics. No PTSD needed.

-Emotional numbness

- Can be related to PTSD. Can also be related to high levels of stress. Like breaking off a relationship, moving and changing jobs.

I know you won't accept this but its time for you to move on. Relationships end. Devote your efforts to looking after you.

 

[ladee]

I know you want answers... you have been given answers... as @joeylittle shared.... the real answers are going to come from her.. I am sorry you got hurt.... and I appreciate that you are trying to learn about PTSD.... And if you need it to be PTSD to understand, then ok, it's PTSD.... but not until you speak with her will you get what is going on with her....
We are simply trying to share with you that all the things you listed can be caused by all sorts of things... and since we don't diagnose here.... you will have to hear it from her, if she even knows she has it...I hope you try to take care of yourself, take a break,think things thru... and speak with her... good luck in finding your answers.

 

[joeylittle]

With all due respect man, I came here to talk about the illness, not have my relationship analyzed. If you don't think it's PTSD or feel it's impossible to know or feel like I should just f*ck off and only come back once I know I am dealing with someone with PTSD, then just say that

OK.

It's impossible to know whether she has PTSD or not. The things you are calling 'Symptoms' are not symptoms - they are behaviors.

Trying to make sense of someone's behavior by thinking that only a mental illness can explain it, is naive at best and insulting at worst.

Even if - big IF - she has PTSD...it's none of your business. She broke it off. Inserting yourself back into her life is not going to help her. As a PTSD sufferer, I can say that without any hesitation.

So, all your interest here is purely self-serving. If you want to look at your own motivations - great. People here will engage with you on that, seriously.

But if all you want to do is make up stories about the woman who is not here to speak for herself...I'd say yeah, you're on the wrong forum.