I used to suffer nightmares every single night. They were horrifying recreations of the source of my PTSD. From leaving the gate to pulling the trigger, it was all replayed with chilling accuracy. I even made the same moved in Final Fantasy Tactics Advance that I was playing with a friend during the ride. I would scratch at my arms in my sleep as I reached for my gun in my dream. Eventually, I embraced the dream, as it was the only connection I had left to my life in the military. It was all I knew and wanted to know.
I began my recover a few months ago, and that nightmare has stopped. Completely. No more scratches on my arms and cold sweats, and no more waking up angry that I was now a civilian. However, it has been replaced by something even more terrifying, and the worst part is, it keeps changing and feeling more real.
I've lost my marriage to PTSD, but I haven't lost my wife yet. I'm treading water, barely keeping my head up, but I haven't lost her yet. The divorce is a wake up call, and it sure as hell woke me up. Unfortunately, the more I progress with my recovery, the worse the dreams get. They simply started as me being disembodied and watching her out on a date with a faceless man. Eventually faces started forming. The night before last, I watched her get proposed to. She can never see me in these dreams, but that night she looked directly at me and said, "I can't."
Last night was the worst. Last night it was me and her, dancing at our wedding. We never had a wedding. We got married at the JP. Hell, we never even danced. This could have been my future, but then I saw people fading away. All my friends slowly disappeared right in front of my eyes, then my family. I looked at my children, and they began to fade. When we stopped dancing, my wife held my hand, and slowly disappeared. I was alone. My wife and children were gone.
On Fridays, she gets off work at 2 and comes home around 3. Unfortunately, her parents needed her early in the morning and I had to be at work at 5, so she gathered the boys and went over there. I was crying so uncontrollably I couldn't even get out of bed to give them a kiss goodbye.
tl;dr
Can recovery make you dream about your fears of getting well?
I began my recover a few months ago, and that nightmare has stopped. Completely. No more scratches on my arms and cold sweats, and no more waking up angry that I was now a civilian. However, it has been replaced by something even more terrifying, and the worst part is, it keeps changing and feeling more real.
I've lost my marriage to PTSD, but I haven't lost my wife yet. I'm treading water, barely keeping my head up, but I haven't lost her yet. The divorce is a wake up call, and it sure as hell woke me up. Unfortunately, the more I progress with my recovery, the worse the dreams get. They simply started as me being disembodied and watching her out on a date with a faceless man. Eventually faces started forming. The night before last, I watched her get proposed to. She can never see me in these dreams, but that night she looked directly at me and said, "I can't."
Last night was the worst. Last night it was me and her, dancing at our wedding. We never had a wedding. We got married at the JP. Hell, we never even danced. This could have been my future, but then I saw people fading away. All my friends slowly disappeared right in front of my eyes, then my family. I looked at my children, and they began to fade. When we stopped dancing, my wife held my hand, and slowly disappeared. I was alone. My wife and children were gone.
On Fridays, she gets off work at 2 and comes home around 3. Unfortunately, her parents needed her early in the morning and I had to be at work at 5, so she gathered the boys and went over there. I was crying so uncontrollably I couldn't even get out of bed to give them a kiss goodbye.
tl;dr
Can recovery make you dream about your fears of getting well?
