Can Someone Please Help Me With A Dissociation Question ?

[anonymous]

Hi,

I am struggling at the moment and have a lot going on, I have had a very stressful year and it's not getting any better. Things are turning worse by the week. I am questioning so may things in my life, am I just weak, am I a loser, should I just be able to let it go, I'm not so worried about the CSA as it happened over 35 odd years ago, also adult traumas and family traumas. I'm losing control of my life, it's all falling apart in front of me like I'm watching from the side line unable to stop it.

I suffer from Depression, Anixety, Paranoia, Disassoication, DID, Self Harm etc etc. I am questioning everything at the moment trying to make it all my fault why I do everything, was it bad enough, was it my fault, has all this stuff happened to me because I'm a loser and worthless and a useless waste of space.

I live my life being a yes person, never putting a foot out of line, never putting my head up to be told off, I live in fear of paranoia everyday and just am not coping. Anger is a huge trigger for me and yes I say trigger as if I am around anger of any kind I just shut down, turn into a small person shut down.


My question is
My husband has a huge amount of anger inside, he himself has a past of losing parents very young and family members very young, no abuse but a great deal of trauma to do with his parents dying very young. He drunk very heavy for most of our married life until four years ago when another family death happened. That day he stopped.

I have bad disassoication in therapy every time I have a session, my therapist has been trying to ground me and finding it hard to keep me in the room. I don't remember anything I say when like that. I talk like a small child and act like younger children, or I'm so scared and so full of fear I cannot do anything at all. I have disassoicated for most of my life without knowing it. I can remember my kids saying why do you stare into space so much and you shake your leg ? They were about 3 years old. I have disassoicated in front of my old therapist badly as well and two or three friends ( all female ) and that I have known for a long time and that know about my past.

I have only disassoicated once really bad in front of my husband, apart from him always saying hello I'm talking to you did you hear anything I just said, or sitting watching TV and not watching it at all and him saying hello you don't know what's going on do you.

The thing I am worried about is how do I disassoicate in front of my therapist every week, and turn into small people and talk like small people and in a small voice, and not remember anything, but I dont do it in front of my husband ?
Is it my fault, do I have some sort of control that I don't know about ? Is it my fault that I disassoicate ? Can I stop it somehow ? I live only 15 mins from my childhood abuser who abused me for many years from a young age. I see him most weeks passing in his car, and my husband see's him most days while he works and comes home very angry, he wants to kill him and cannot stand him. I spend a lot of my time talking to him about not doing anything stupid. I know that my husband gets worse when I am not very good, he always has our whole married life.

I am just falling to pieces and am trying to blame myself and making all this my fault and feel it's my fault that I disassoicate badly in therapy, but not in front of my husband, so how can this happen it must be my fault that I cannot stop it happening in therapy.
If I can somehow not do it in front of my husband I should be able to stop it in therapy.

Please help me as I am just killing myself from the inside out trying to make everything my fault that I do the things I do.
I am somehow trying to sort this complete mess out in my head by trying to put a reason for doing everything so if it has an answer it might make more sense because my life is slipping away from me and I carn't seem to stop it.

Please help ..... Thank you

 

[anonymous]

I'm sorry I put this in the wrong place, can I please ask for it to be moved.

 

[Autumn76]

My old t said it's a protective measure so we don't have to deal with the old stuff while trying to deal with the new. Their job is to make us deal with the old stuff so we can deal with the new.

Does your abuser need to drive past your home? If not I would go and ask about getting a restraining order so they can't. You could tell them your story and that they drive past your house making you feel unsafe.

I don't know if disassociation is something we can control, maybe you feel safe with your husband so your brain doesn't feel the need to protect you from him. None of this is your fault. I know it's just words on a screen but it's true. If any of us could control this the mental health profession would be out of business tomorrow.

 

[anonymous]

I carnt even spell it right could you please please change my spelling. :( I really am a loser :(

 

[Autumn76]

I'm not an admin or anything. If it weren't for being in a smartphone I couldn't spell.

You are not a loser, hurting does not make someone a loser. Can you make an emergency call to your t?

 

[hodge]

Anonymous, you are NOT a loser. Please talk to your therapist about your feelings. Maybe even print out this post to show them. It sounds like you really need to get a better perspective on what's happening to you. I know how incredibly painful all those feelings are. I think we try to take the blame in order to take control, but it wasn't our fault and our only control now is getting better from those feelings. Take care.

 

[Intrepid]

I wonder if you dissociate in therapy because that's a safe place for that small one to be. You don't dissociate around your husband because he is angry and you need to be vigilant around him. Or, I could have that backwards. Or it might not be the point at all.

The real point is that it feels like the abuser is near. I moved out of town, and for some reason I feel a lot better. But I still dissociate. I do it at home. The abuser might be physically distant, but is present with me all of the time.

I've been reminded over and over that the abuse is not my fault. I have to understand that the dissociation is not my fault either. My experience is that the only way to really stop the dissociation is to integrate, not to make that part go away. That small part is a necessary part of you. It's a part of your beauty, your strength, and your ability to adapt to the world. It belongs.

Thank you for sharing what you are going through.

 

[Jobriel]

I am sorry that you are going through this. I can't answer all of your questions, but I may be able to help with some of them. I have DID as well, and I tend to dissociate more during therapy than I do during normal life.(Although I still dissociate a lot at home.) I think this is due to a few different things. First, people tend to talk about the hard things in therapy. Dissociation is a defense mechanism that allows us to protect ourselves from anything that is perceived as a threat, including talking about or even thinking about trauma or other problems that are going on in our lives. Therapy is a prime place for difficult thoughts and memories to come up, so it make dissociation likely. Therapy is also a safe place where alters may feel comfortable coming out. Although I have been dissociating for as long as I can remember, I did not know about the DID until about 9 months ago.(And I've only started accepting it in the past couple of months.) When I first learned about the DID and began to acknowledge the alters, I would dissociate a lot during therapy and the alters would express themselves then or would write in my journal.(I am always co-conscious, so I knew what was happening.) My husband would see me dissociate and would know I was zoned out, but the alters never came out around him because he was angry a lot and our marriage was not going well. We started getting marriage counselling and our relationship improved, and then the alters started letting themselves be seen around him. Since I am conscious, he just sees a change in emotions, mannerisms, and vocabulary. I think the alters know when it is safe to be seen by someone, which is why you are dissociating so much in therapy and not at home. You are not controlling the dissociation, but your body and the alters are sort of in control of that aspect.(I don't know this for sure. It is my guess based on my experience.) You are not faking. You are not manipulating. You are going through something hard and your mind and body are responding in the way that they think will best protect you. That is not always helpful because our minds have been conditioned to react to all danger in a way that may make our lives more difficult at this point in time, but it is still a defense mechanism. I hope this helps a little, and even if it doesn't, I want you to know that you are not alone.

 

[sun seeker]

I am just falling to pieces and am trying to blame myself and making all this my fault and feel it's my fault that I disassoicate badly in therapy, but not in front of my husband, so how can this happen it must be my fault that I cannot stop it happening in therapy.

No, it's not your fault, and the fact that it happens in front of some people and not others does not mean you are controlling it. I do the same thing and know others who do as well. It means we are able to hold it together when we need to and sense when it is safe to let go, that's all. Which doesn't necessarily mean your husband isn't safe, but if he doesn't understand your dissociation or in some subtle way is giving signs that he wouldn't be able to handle it, the parts of you that experienced the trauma will sense that. What you are experiencing is normal - normal for someone with PTSD, that is!

 

[Ronin]

Hello Anonymous,

I wonder what would happen if you replaced all of the statements of why you are a 'loser' with some other messages - I don't suppose outright opposite qualities would come to mind in your current shape, but what about simply differing characteristics that mean you're something other than loser?

(I'm rather sure you're not any of the hurtful things you're thinking of yourself, more that it's past abuse and current stress speaking).

Being a yes person can be a good thing. It's not a lack of strength to keep up with so many demands of people - and figure a way how to satisfy them all!

It is NOT your fault that you dissociate, ever. To any degree. Dissociation is what our brains do to cope with unbearable pressures, to cope with danger, it's not a fault.

It sounds you feel (or at least emotionally younger parts of you) safe to slide in therapy, and you're grounded with 'adult you' when with your husband; that sounds like proper placement for both, to me?

Therapy is supposed to be somewhere where we can be ourselves, even if the process itself is difficult and complicated.

You are not a bad person Anon, I really hope that you can find compassion to yourself as you deserve it.

 

[PoopyPTSD]

Maybe you feel closer to your husband, safer. Maybe at your therapist you know you are going to have to talk about things you don't want to, maybe she represents a authority figure..... A mom, teacher etc. I disassociate selectively like that. No, it's not your fault because your body and mind do this to protect you. It can do it automatically without you knowing it, it's a beautiful way it's learned to preserve you....

 

[PoopyPTSD]

Try to see this dissociation as a friend who was there to protect you when your little mind as a child didn't know what to do...... That's what it is... Your protector