Can Someone Please Stop This Ride...I'm Not Fond Of Rollercoasters

[catjudo]

Because my sons grew up to be really well adjusted and wonderful people (despite having a PTSD sufferer for a mother) because they didn't hold things inside. They always had me to talk to and guide them through.

Thank you. I needed to hear this. I worry so much that having a mother that is such a mess so often does her more harm than good. I worry that she would be better off without me. Clearly, my daughter is my life line and the only reason I haven't succumbed to my suicidal thoughts in the past. On those days when I let myself think even she may be better off without me, that lifeline gets very thin and fragile. It's good to know that despite my problems, it is possible for my daughter to grow up to be a well-adjusted young woman. One of my worst fears is that 30 years from now she will be sitting on a psychologists couch in the same/similar position that I'm in now. I don't want her to have the same kind of messed up life as me; and if she did, I would be devastated to know/think I was the cause of it.

Today I am crying. I am crying so much it feels like it will never end. The self harm thoughts aren't there. The suicidal thoughts aren't even there today. But a deep and painful sadness. I am feeling this intense sadness about the possibility of losing some people who mean a lot to me. They are old (86 & 89). Their health is obviously going downhill. My daughter and I have just spent the weekend with them and to hear them talk about being ready and at peace with their impending death was so hard for me to hear. They are old, but they both still have some good life in them. I'm glad they realize they have limited time left on this earth, are at peace with it, feel they have lived good lives, etc. But at the same time, it felt as if they were just giving up and I'm not ready to lose them. Then one thing lead to another in my head and I've been thinking and crying over all the people in my life that I have loved and lost to death. Some of them natural deaths that came with age. Some of them natural deaths but taken too early. Some of them accidents and taken WAY too early. But all I have are these thoughts of lost loved ones running through my head and and just can't stop crying.

I need to calm down. I've taken some valium...didn't really help. I know these are things that are okay to be sad about, but I always get scared that it won't stop...that the sadness will only continue or worsen. I'm going to go to bed, pull the covers up over my head and just let myself cry. I hope so much that tomorrow I am able to move beyond this. These people I am crying for are still alive and living their lives. Or the others, I've already grieved their deaths long ago. My head swirling with thoughts of death, dying and missing loved ones frightens me. It makes me scared because I know it would be very easy to slip from these thoughts to those of suicide.

I am so intensely, deeply, painfully sad right now but I feel stupid for the reason. I hate this.

 

[suzie q]

I hope when you read this post, you have had a wonderful, uneventful, power sleeping night and have opened your eyes to a new day full of positive possibilities. What can we do in the next few hours, then the next? If I'm still depressed and grieving can I do something positive to make a mood change? How can I find my balance after yesterdays roller coaster from hell?

These are things I think of when I have had an emotional night otherwise I end up continuing the depression cycle and crash. My therapist told me that most of us will wake with negative feelings or thoughts running through our minds. We don't even have to open our eyes to the day and we are already looking at all the negative things that involve us. My greatest weapon against this is to get coffee and read a positive meditation book to give me something to focus on rather than my mind and emotions taking over. I still have some bad mornings, but not like before. My mind loves to run around and around and crawl into spaces in my head that are self-destructive and impossible to figure out in a logical sense.

The comment about your daughter touched me deeply. My mother is very sick mentally and was one of my worse abusers. She still won't admit her part in any of the abuse other than she "did the best she could." For the last 34 years I have distanced myself from her because of my lack of tools to handle my flashbacks after seeing her. She never took an interest in my well-being or my life after I left home. Now she is alone with my Dad and is unable to drive, walk, all she does is eat, take lots of medicine, watch TV and sleep. She is only 69. I visit her now (only last 2 years) on occasion and see what her illnesses have done to her, what all the hate and anger has done to her body. How her illness has left her with no friends and children who prefer to stay away.

I went to her on three different occasions to have her participate in my therapy with each one being a total mistake. She was never willing to look at herself and find the truth. Her denial was full force. I think back and wonder what it would have been like for both of us if she had taken that step to acknowledge her part in my abuse.

As a daughter, let me say that your concern of your own daughter's peace of mind brought me to tears. I wish my Mom had been as loving and sensitive. Your daughter will be just fine. I would have been better sooner had she just took the time to listen.

 

[catjudo]

And Down Again....

Can't stop crying. New prescription at the pharmacy as I write this. Will be ready to pick up in about 15 minutes. Fast acting, should know by this afternoon if this will help or if we need to take a different route. I personally don't think it will be the answer, but I'm willing to try anything at this point.

I actually was laying in bed earlier, sobbing and having thoughts of just not picking my daughter up from school today. If I didn't show, they'd try to call me. If I didn't answer, they'd call the next person on the list and she'd go get my daughter. I sound so awful. I really am a good mom, I swear. I just can't be a very good mom when I'm feeling/thinking like this.

Things have to improve soon. Really, things have to start improving. Don't know how much longer I can hang in there and keep those suicidal thoughts from becoming suicidal ideas and plans.

Don't want to do anything to myself that would hurt my daughter, but just don't feel like I'm doing her any good like this.

 

[Deleted member 541]

You may not think that you are of any benefit to her the way that you are right now, but picture her in 10 years without her mom there.... She is in high school, and needs to talk to her mom about a new boy that she has met, or the fact that she is struggling with English a bit, or she needs to talk to you about something personal.....She needs you Cat, and whether you believe this or not, you need her too......She is what is grounding you right now... She is what is making you hold on right now. She is the reason that you get up in the morning, and the reason that you are still alive.....

Keep talking, keep getting out the feelings and thoughts....We do care, we are here for you, and so is your beautiful little girl...Give her an extra hug from all of us here, and tell her just how special she really is......

 

[catjudo]

Thanks for the supportive words, She Cat. I know that she is the only thing that is grounding me right now. She is my life line. I feel guilty for that. Even though she isn't aware that she is my life line, that is a huge role for such a little girl. I do know that she needs me. I know that if I'm not here no one will take care of her or look out for her interests the same way that I do. Things just get so messed up in my head sometimes. Probably the only reason I'm still alive.

I love her so much but she is such a challenge at times. As much as she tries my patience at times, as much as I lose my patience with her at times and don't always handle things with her the way that I would like, there is no one else in the world who will have as much patience for her as I do. There is no one else in the world who will have the same dedication that I do to helping her understand her idiosyncrasies and how to deal with them. There is no one else in the world who will advocate for her the same way that I do and help her develop into the best person she can be.

I just need to find a way to make sure I remember all of that when the things in my head get crazy and out of control. I think the new medication this afternoon helped, but it is not the whole answer. I'm doing therapy. I'm being med compliant. I'm frustrated with the drastic ups and downs. They scare me.

 

[anni]

Cat,

I had to take my daughter and go underground once, into one of those hiding places for abused people. She was a baby. It's too long a story but I wished to be just dead many, many times over the next years. I still have awful,awful guilt over having brought her into the world and be launched into that kind of life. I'm all she has. I've had to do all those things- be there for her, advocate for her, show her how to BE in the world, try to cover up what the hell went on aound her.

I just wanted you to know that they are ok. This might not make much sense because I'm identifying a lot and not thinking clearly so sorry. I fought through all those things you describe, advocated for her, was her only guide, caregiver, keeper and protector. She's really, really 'normal', Cat. She even knows I'm not, and a little of why. Her father died before she had to know what he was, and his family was no help ever and is not in touch now. Despite 'what happened', she graduated saluditorian, was in every possible sport and orgaization all the way through school, is pre-med with a mostly full scholarship at a good solid school now, and is just plain lovely. She doesn't know she's probably the only reason I'm still alive, too.

I don't know. I just think that even when things in my head were so far 'out there' it didn't feel like I could make it, something just disallowed me not being here for this little girl.

Anni

 

[The Albatross]

(((Catjudo))) Catching up and you'd been on my mind. Very glad to read about your new med, med compliance and T. Hold on tight gal, and I hope things improve soon for you.