Can Two Divergent Worlds Be Bridged?

[Lady Vet]

Others accept emotional input from people when it is relevant to the present time, but after that they want to know why you're telling them.

I have been rereading this thread, and found this wonderful nugget. So helpful to have this clarified. People will accept emotional input when it is relevant to the present time. They can do something about it. What can anyone do about emotional input about something that happened in a different place and time? This I really need to think about. I'm so glad that I went back and reread this :)

 

[Lady Vet]

It can be lonely, but then I turn my focus toward others and see that they want the support that I want, and supporting them feels like I'm getting support too. It's weird how that helps me as much as it does those I'm offering support to.

What I want to say is how much I appreciate that you focused on me today. I really do understand that you support others because that helps you to feel supported, too. I want you to know how much I appreciate your support :) It's a lovely gift, and very much appreciated :) Have a blessed day!

 

[Muzikluvr]

I think a lot of the intensity that I'm feeling over this issue is more about how invalidated and unheard I felt at the time of the trauma event(s).

I often imagine myself telling other people about my PTSD and traumas, and I stop myself after awhile to ask myself why I want them to know it. What will they do with that information? How will it change them toward me? How will that benefit me? Usually I feel sick thinking about how they will change toward me, which leads me directly into my past and the next thing I know I'm arguing with my Dad again about how he didn't believe me and how he destroyed our relationship.

I've been struggling to figure out why I can't let that go. I have decided not to speak to him anymore. In fact, as I have been on this recent obsession with calling him up and chewing him out, I've also been thinking "Cutting ties with my family is the best thing I ever did for myself." I know that's true, too! Yet, still I've been picturing this confrontation. Maybe the trigger is when I want to be validated by others... or... I'm not sure. I think that's about the fact that I feel awkward, goofy, sometimes plain weird around people and I want to explain why I'm like that so they'll validate that I'm okay or they'll accept me - flaws and all because I make sense.

I know I make sense. My life makes sense to me now. I sometimes want to shout it to the world. I had normal responses to the traumas and the post traumatic stress that followed (until I felt forced to repress those responses). It was my family who made those responses seem abnormal, sometimes with lies and sometimes by misinterpreting what I was responding to; they made my responses seem sick and wrong. I just really want them to know that they were wrong and I was right. :) When I picture my dad accepting that I was right and he was wrong, then I feel relieved and he fades away. I have no more attachment to him than this struggle for validation. That's why I don't call him.

Does that make sense? That I'm being triggered to feel the need for validation from acquaintances, that has nothing to do with them at all? Validation could be the key to why I always picture myself telling them stuff... and also the key to why I constantly try to figure out how to confront my Dad. I'm going to think about this a bit... it's such a compulsion... to want to call my Dad, and also to want to tell people too much information.

I know I've come a long way by validating myself, maybe I need to work on that some more.

Lady Vet, Thank you for starting this thread! I'm really enjoying it, it's right in my path to recovery. I'm glad you've found something useful in what I posted. :)

 

[JustBe]

Muzikluvr said:

" I think that's about the fact that I feel awkward, goofy, sometimes plain weird around people and I want to explain why I'm like that so they'll validate that I'm okay or they'll accept me - flaws and all because I make sense."

Exactly! I end up feeling worse because I'm trying so hard to explain myself so that I won't make others uncomfortable. That just makes everything even MORE uncomfortable for everyone! :bag:

 

[Lady Vet]

people communicate with each other for a purpose

Muzikluvr: I went to bed last night thinking deeply on this one thought, and this morning I awoke with a very deep insight into the nature of my life purpose. I have been struggling for a very long time about what my life purpose is supposed to be, but this morning I finally understood because of what you said here, because of this one simple little statement.

People DO communicate for a purpose, but it's deeper than that (for me). Every single relationship I have is fundamentally created and formed around a specific purpose. Everything else in that relationship is then defined because of that purpose. Everything, from emotional boundaries, informational boundaries, physical boundaries, intimacy boundaries, communicational boundaries....everything about each of my relationshps is defined by the purpose around which that specific and unique relationship was created. Hence, all of these boundaries that are further defined by that purpose becomes unique, as well.

This liberates me in ways that I do not even have language for yet :)

I am now deconstructing my significant relationships (present and past) to clearly define both what MY purpose is in the relationship, as well as the purpose that the relationship serves for me. This will clarify what I want/need/expect from the relationship, what I think the relationship wants/needs/expects of me, and will begin the process of detangling me from these invisible roots that strangle me constantly.

I can also see very clearly how the trauma-based relationships caused a fundamental shift in my purpose against my will....forcing me to participate in the relationship in ways that I never agreed to, and never wanted to do.

As I said, this liberates me in ways that I do not even have language for yet :)

I can not thank you enough for what you have done to help me. I feel like I am understanding my relationships for the first time in my entire life. There is still so much more work to do, and by no means does this magically "fix" anything :) but, it's a great start. Thank you :)

 

[Lady Vet]

I know I make sense. My life makes sense to me now. I sometimes want to shout it to the world. I had normal responses to the traumas and the post traumatic stress that followed (until I felt forced to repress those responses). It was my family who made those responses seem abnormal, sometimes with lies and sometimes by misinterpreting what I was responding to; they made my responses seem sick and wrong. I just really want them to know that they were wrong and I was right.

I can sooo relate to this. And, quite honestly, one of the most helpful things about this forum was initially coming to terms with the fact that my brain and my body responded exactly as God created my brain and my body, so there was nothing "wrong" with that in and of itself. The panic attacks (for me) and all of the subsequent PTSD symptoms were all (as you say) a "normal" response to abnormal circumstances. And that single piece of truth has point blank stopped me from hating myself, hating the panic attacks, and hating any of the PTSD symptoms, because the PTSD was a normal response to abnormal/traumatic circumstances.

I, like you, have many people in my life who try to minimize these abnormal circumstances. But there is no question in my mind about what the true pathology is, what the true abnormal behavior is. And there isn't even an ounce of need for me to convince anyone else the truth of this ever again. Some things just happen that clearly.

I do wish everything about my journey with PTSD were that simple :) but it's not. . . .which is why they call it a journey. Blessings to you, fellow spirit warrior :)

 

[Tinyflame]

I guess Lady Vet, that emotional input at any time is still a part of who you are, and how you feel at that time.

And I agree with Muzikluvr, for myself I don't have that need to talk about it; however, it is very legitimate to want to have input, or support, or to have it validated. I recall first finding out more on this forum, and the sheer shock of how much others related and it fit sort of made me want to tell someone. Later, I even contemplated telling my sister, but after testing the waters that would have been a bad choice so I chose not to. It's ok.

Oddly enough, someone helped me here on this forum, by suggesting I did tell 'someone'. (And that was a thread not in response to talking at all but quite the opposite, that is leaving). What resonated with me was that they said it was the one thing I hadn't tried, and to throw in a fair amount of education. I did do that, and turned out the person was very familiar with ptsd already, did understand and was very kind. (In fact, in between melting-down with having said anything, it felt wonderful. :) Pretty amazing to be able to be honest, and not be treated awful for it.) Oddly enough, the same person said re: other stuff that (everyone) has to tell someone. I think that's true.

You sound like you have a healthy perspective Lady Vet, and a handle on shame, I'd use your discretion and best judgment. :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Oops, sorry Lady Vet, missed a whole page of posts before I posted!

Similarly to what Muzikluvr said, I've thought, in retrospect my responses, or thoughts or feelings, past or present, or present-affected-by-the-past, are not unusual, considering the circumstances or what occurred. (In fact, I hear people expressing the same things, and they were or are years older than I was when these things occurred. It's quite frankly normal, all things considered. It was being taught not to, that something was wrong to feel it, or express it, or what have you.

I'm not sure of my purpose, and don't really 'box it in' specific to each relationship. But every relationship and interaction is unique, and I hope my part is positive, or something good or worthwhile for the other person comes out of it. Including permission for them to be themselves. :)

 

[Tinyflame]

I don't explain it very well, but if it is at all helpful, check out the post (not the thread)- from 'PanamaPete' I remember it was (he explains it very well, all of this). It's very practical, and after my long history with this I understand. All the better if you can learn and apply this stuff earlier than I did! :)

Best wishes to you :hug:.

 

[Resilientbibliophile]

Greetings,

Hoping indeed to be consistent with what has already been articulated well by others, personal boundary issues underlie much of what what can be handled and understood by others, while it is typical and sometimes healthy to drawn relationships down if they are premised upon personal dysfunctionality that has perpetuated an imbalance of power and typically - respect.

In the main, few nonprofessional people can handle the enormity of trauma legacies that for many of us is central to our conception of identity. Unfair - yes, but nevertheless proven true. For further examination and mulling of the various dimensions of our traumatic legacies it seems first we increase sensitivity to pain and simmer with outrage that others could pass through life without being so-impacted. The need to shout, the need to tell all tales long-suppressed overwhelms us as we seek to relate what invariably overwhelms those we fitfully attempt to cling to. I know - I've done it, and many a fair friendship was exhausted for so doing.

With further study and understanding the hot toxicity of traumatic recall can lessen, stilling the need to share with everyone and anyone absent reasoned discrimination. Yes - 'Quite easy for HIM to say!' - and don't I know it! Writing a proper memoir of what has occurred, fleshing out the cast of characters, leaving 'proof' if you will can help, 'allowing' one the sensation that with a firm historical record of what was perceived and endured, that 'permission' has been afforded to let certain aspects fade in intensity. The process described in brief above is far from a rapid one, but nevertheless has to be respected as a process even as the intensity of the moment threatens to overwhelm.

Reading about interpersonal boundaries in a psych. sense as well as what is termed 'boundary work' in a sociological sense can underline and heighten awareness of what others perceive about 'us' and how they will likely react. Gains in this regard can be slow, but also know that most people living the experience of P.T.S.D. have behind them a stack of bodies and ruined relationships - although that doesn't mean the larger population comprised of the 'normative normal folk' have so much better by way of contrast each and every time! Also, if the creativity demonstrated by each of us for visiting and contributing to thread such as this wasn't evidence of a desire to secure better for ourselves and those we ostensibly love, then worse would be invited and risked.

Lastly, know that a typical relationship between people with analogous backgrounds (especially if marginalized by experiences of trauma, addictions, dissociative tendencies, etc.) if one or the other partner threatens to evolve out in a positive fashion. In short, one person becomes better, and the entire basis of the relationship is at threat for such a development. If you improve and gain greater perspective, a capacity to assess the quality of your relationships will emerge, with some relationships deepened and shored up for awareness that dawns, but know too that other relationships that at one time seemed irreplaceable and vital will lose that vitality and may have to be drawn down if not terminated. Painful this, but in sum and in total it can equate to growth. Kind regards...

M.K.

 

[Lady Vet]

Writing a proper memoir of what has occurred, fleshing out the cast of characters, leaving 'proof' if you will can help, 'allowing' one the sensation that with a firm historical record of what was perceived and endured, that 'permission' has been afforded to let certain aspects fade in intensity.

MK...Thank you so very much for responding to my thread. I still find myself shocked (in a good way) how free the truth flows in this forum. I can sit here reading and writing about things in such a matter-of-fact way, which is all I'm really looking for elsewhere. That's all I want. Here, the trauma (in once sense) isn't even an issue. And I don't mean that in an invalidating way, that the trauma in inconsequential. But here, it's taken as a given that it's just part of the fabric. So it's on equal footing with everything else...no more than, but (most importantly) no less than, either.

I love what you have to say about the writing of a "proper memoir" with a fleshing out of the cast of characters as a historical record. I know that once I'm gone from this earth what happened to me will cease to matter, but it matters to me now. Yes, it does matter to me now.

I have started a blog that is solely dedicated to the writing of this personal history, in addition to what I write here. No one may ever read it, but that's ok....that's not why I am writing it. I write it for me, to validate for myself, to hear the truth myself.

I will revisit this thread often, to reread what each person has written, and continue to mine this treasure trove of wisdom and guidance. So I thank you for contributing, as your words reach deep to the hidden parts who need to hear what you have to say. Blessings :)