Can We Get Ready And Not Even Realise It?

[LoyalOne]

(((zipper)))

 

[LoyalOne]

I don't even know how to say this right, because I know you are in an awful place, but - my Dad, though he was a flawed man who ultimately lost his battle with himself, was my Daddy and he was a good father. I would not trade a single minute I spent with him to save a scar.

 

[ClairBear226]

Kinda get what you mean, ZIp.

I'm supposed to be planning a trip to Disney for this November. Money's ready to go, and this is something I usually love to do. Vacation planning. But my heart isn't in it. It's supposed to be something fun that we do together, yet I don't feel like I want fun. And I don't like looking that far forward into the future. It isn't like I'm actively wishing myself gone. I just can't seem to have a lot of appreciation for anything in the future right now. All I think I can handle today is today.

 

[dakoda]

Thanks you for sharing.

 

[Tinyflame]

Do you still have that book, Junebug? My book was a pamplet it a doctors office. I was in there, page 4, 5, 6, it was about me. Scary when you see yourself in a book isn't it? The epiphany, the point where you can't say "I'm normal" anymore. I still have that book. No one showed it to me, or suggested I needed it. It found me. For those of you who don't beleive in God, I'm sorry for you. Candles don't just appear on side walks.

Yes Zipper, and probably time to go through it again.
And funny too, because it was on a concrete shelf about eye-level, but the yellow candle was all I could 'see' right above me.

I agree totally, it's like just stopping eating. "Giving up" and/ or pre-preparing others.
I guess I do that through 'disappearing', too- figure 'out of sight out of mind'.

But Zipper- you are right- maybe we all have more 'help' than we know? I used to call it 'the book with legs' but now maybe I'd better call it 'the book with wings' :)

Thanks for being so honest, things can and will get better.

((((((((Zipper)))))))), (hope Long-Distance Hugs are ok)

 

[Srain]

It was like an invasion of my privacy somehow. I felt so WATCHED and so invaded.

Weird huh?

And it was related to 'when I'm gone' and yet I had no suicidal thoughts or tendencies. It was more like feeling just having NO PRIVACY and being crowded out.

I could have written this...how bizarre.

.I just read this post and realized I posted yesterday that I had begun to get rid of everything several years ago and finally gave the most important stuff I own away when I finally made my trip back West. I had the "talk", and I had no idea the outcome for myself, I've been waiting to see what I will do, what will happen. I rarely eat, I haven't done anything with my hair which is usually a HUGE deal for me...I'm fanatical about it but I have left it alone. I lost 25lbs or less or more I only eat because my husband is home now and paying attention and the pdoc is on me. But I don't know if I care, I see this sometimes but you told me to start a new day...interesting...some days I can. I try.

I have never been to a forum where I feel like people are reading my mind. I feel relief and sometimes very paranoid. My brother is special forces retired, I talked over an hour with him the other day and I haven't laid eyes on him for over 25yrs. The one thing we have in common...severe PTSD and we live each and every day with suicidal ideation. It was like talking to an old friend, it was sweet and comfortable. We talked about our old faithful pups and new funny ones. I'm getting help he told me he is waiting to die...maybe I am too but I'm hanging to the hope of what Junebug experienced. If someone has my thoughts then maybe I can have their hope.

Your Son sounds important to you.

peace,
rain

 

[Tinyflame]

Rain, do hang in there and do try not to 'think'. There can be 'relief' as inexplicably as there is the constant-torment. Trust it too will pass.
((((((((((Rain)))))))))))

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

he told me he is waiting to die...maybe I am too

I keep reading this thread and the replies. I don't know what else to say, just seeing myself in these posts. Didn't really realize it before....Not really.

 

[Jet]

I have commented several times that I don't necessarily want to die...I am just tired of being alive. I have been sick for as long as I can remember (had what I now know to be my first panic attack at age 7-8 while returning to class from recess) but the last 13 years have been the hardest and most painful.

I don't know what it is like to be sent off to war...to sacrifice body/mind for a cause that is not necessarily your own...to give your all and then some for people you don't know...to fear/worry for your safety and the safety of your friends...your brothers and sisters yet still get up every day and do your job...To then be criticized and have your integrity...and maybe your very soul questioned for doing the job they sent you off to do seems so...unconscionable...so wrong that I can't even find the words...

But I do know what it is like to try and protect innocents from evil... from horrors that are far beyond the imagination and understanding of the average person. I know what it is like to feel helpless and lost in a situation that is so far beyond your control...to lose everything in that quest and then be told that your efforts and intentions were worthless and wrong...that your heart is probably as black and evil as the one belonging to the enemy...

I am so sorry that you have been treated this way....

Do you really believe that you have nothing to offer Maxwell other then your pain? Because I honestly don't see it that way... The way I see it you are a hero and as such you will teach your boy to be as honorable and courageous as his father...The wounds you received and your battle to overcome them will teach him compassion and empathy. From you he will learn what it means to be a true friend, a husband and a father...Watching you he will learn what it is to be a man.

God entrusted this boy...this little miracle to you because he knew your true heart. Don't second guess the big man my friend...he knows what he is doing.

If you give up, leave your family, move into a box and wait to die then evil will win...Please don't let that happen.

Jackie

P.S. Do me one small favor will you? I do not get to hug my girls or tell them I love them anymore. So tonight, when you tuck your boy in...hug him extra hard for me.

 

[jo may]

(((((zipper)))))

I think it's possible to do that without realising it.

Just remember you important to and take care.

 

[wife of]

Ref the lack of posessions,could just be that you are in "services travel light mode"!!

 

[Zipperhead]

Travel light, I guess I've been doing that for a long time too. Still, you tend to question when you read all this stuff, look around, and realise you fit the mould.