Childhood Can You Really Heal From Childhood Abuses?

[silkleaves]

That is really inspirational @gizmo ... I'm not quite there, but I think my mindset is on the path to where you are, and I hope to be there too myself one day.

 

[FutureGames]

This is my first post here.

I'm in my late 40s and just now able to pay for real therapy. I had a pretty bad childhood, though I grew up in an upper middle class home. It all looked pretty good from the outside, probably, but inside was plenty of abuse and neglect.

My journey with real therapy (including EMDR) began with a health scare late last year. (and turned out to be nothing but did give me quite a scare for a couple of months). After the agony of that subsided, I felt such intense sorrow and grief that I just could not shake. It was beyond the bouts of hard core depressions I have been through so often. It was also not responsive to medication. I was waking up at night sobbing and feeling like I was still that same little girl who had been so badly mistreated and neglected. The sobbing fits actually awakened me; they were starting in my sleep. I had never experienced that before. Night terrors, yes, but not this.

Two abusive spouses, years of not being able to live up to my potential, children, custody battles, and on and on and on. My life really should not have been this difficult. It wasn't regular old depression that was dogging me earlier this year; it was grief, finally feeling the profound grief at what was done to me and how I have paid over and over again for the misery of my own mother (and a few others). I finally could not continue to put on that mask any longer. The inner core of who I am is who was weeping in the dark night; I see that now as a message from my subconscious that I desperately needed healing.

To me, healing would mean that I no longer feel my life was or had been mostly a sad story of ruined potential and undeserved suffering. I was born normal, with a higher than average intellect, and a good heart. There is no decent reason that I should have and continue to struggle so hard. Healing would mean I finally get through the grieving for the beautiful innocent child I was who has endured too much. It would mean I can salvage the years I have left without such dread and fear.

Healing would mean no longer feeling the shame of hiding myself. It would also mean being able to find decent employment, and very importantly, indifference when remembering my family of origin, no longer hurting so much when they try to unleash another round of abusive dysfunctional angst on me. It would mean no more impending doom syndrome.

Healing would mean not just knowing, but feeling with my whole heart and soul, that it wasn't my fault, that I am worthy and that the past is truly gone, and it has no more power to torture me.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think you first need to define what "healed" means to you. Are you thinking of it in terms of an all or nothing sort of thing? I mean "all" in that literally ALL of your symptoms are gone? All of the effects of the abuse are gone?

To me, healing means that I am able to get back to a functional place in life. I don't ever expect to be FULLY healed. I know that there is a lot of debate here on the forums on what it means to heal and if there is a cure, blah blah blah, and I'm oftentimes taken as a negative voice in it all. Well, I think I am largely misunderstood, and I also think that since there are degrees of trauma, then there must also be degrees of healing. Just as some people can "heal" their diabetes by going on a strict diet while others are insulin dependent for life, there are also degrees of trauma where some can be healed to the point of extended remission whereas others suffer on a daily basis no matter how much they try to get better.

I can finally see the proverbial finish line in the distance and that makes me SO happy....really, you have no idea. I don't see it as a place where I am completely asymptomatic, rather it is a place where I am functioning, working, supporting myself, able to keep relationships, and turn to my coping skills to keep symptoms at a minimum. I can see it, so I know it is there...I don't ever expect to be free of symptoms. Honestly, I think that may be a problem for some people, in that they view healing as an absolute state rather than a relative state. Someone can break their leg and the leg can fully heal, but the person may be left with a limp. I see trauma and PTSD in very much the same light. I think my views on healing are healthy in that I am not striving for an impossible pie-in-the-sky goal. My goals are reasonable and attainable. I will get there one day, yes I will.

 

[contaminated]

Physically...yes. Mentally, no. Not at all. I'm still remembering things (unfortunately my abuse happened for 3-4 years) and I'm still having flashbacks over the course of 2 & 1/2 years.
Hopefully I'll be seeing a new therapist as I can't see mine anymore, and I'll get EMDR therapy and heal from it.
Best wishes on your recovery, I understand how hard it is.

 

[Notsowild]

I agree that if I would have gotten better help years ago I might be a lot better concerning my childhood abuses. I have just gotten a great psychiatrist and psychologist. While working on my latest trauma symptoms I feel really hopeful. But the childhood stuff will always stay with me. I can't stay in therapy forever. I don't think I will ever sustain a relationship with a man.

 

[Notsowild]

Complex trauma is not specific to any age group. However, those whom endure complex trauma during early childhood are more prone to long-term and severe consequences. [5] The brain begins to place patterns and beliefs about the world during the first nine years of life, and is at its most susceptible during this time. [7] The strength of early childhood is also that the brain is robust enough to process traumatic events. Though, this often creates a worse after-effect later in life as the brain matures and comprehends those events. [5] If you put a mature adult through a heavily abusive marriage, a concentration camp or a Prisoner of War (POW) camp, the brain's trauma-processing ability will produce as similar an outcome of consequences as those seen in early childhood trauma.

However, those who endure trauma for an extended period under the age of twelve years are proven to present more devastating results in adulthood than complex trauma afflicted upon someone whom is already an adult. This is because morality, social skills, and life skills are all taught in childhood. The child's sense of right and wrong becomes altered, as well as their understanding of social function and their interpretation of the world around them. This can sometimes result in a personality disorder. [5]

This is from @anthony article on complex trauma.

 

[anthony]

You can still heal from childhood trauma... zero doubt about that. I have proven that from helping people personally who have PTSD from childhood abuse, and were diagnosed complex trauma.

One should not confuse that though with memories of the abuse. Memories will never disappear... but nightmares, anxiety and other symptoms as a result of childhood abuse, absolutely can be healed and limited to near nothing in comparison to full symptom severity.

Interpretation can be dangerous.

 

[Notsowild]

Prolonged sexual abuse trauma? Really?

 

[anthony]

Yes... it can be done. I didn't say its easy, but it can be done. I have helped many a person with this issue who demonstrated they were basically strong willed and could accept the difficult time to be had in order to heal this. They are no longer here... and thus getting on with their life.

Find the right person... it can be done. Again though, if you think its smooth sailing, or going to be close to easy, then you're wrong. Getting through trauma, truly getting through it, is harder than living it to begin with. You literally have to be so angry that your thinking is distorted, your filter is non-existent, thus you say what you wouldn't otherwise say, thus you find the true issue that is keeping you down.

 

[Lucycat]

You literally have to be so angry that your thinking is distorted,

Why anger? I don't 'do' anger. Never have, and T said just not to worry about it - it doesn't matter, but from what you say it sounds like anger is a necessary part of healing - or am I misunderstanding this?

 

[RussH]

@Notsowild If I may use an anology. Imagine a river flowing down its bank, then suddenly an earthquake wrecks its path.The river becomes disorientated, and floods all over the place, but eventually it forges a new path and continues its journey to the ocean.
The earthquake has traumatized the river, and the river will never be the same. It has been changed forever, but that doesn't mean it is no longer a river. it just has a different path, and who knows, perhaps a better path.
It will have places where it flow is peaceful and quiet, and then there are places where it will flow turbulant and wild, but regardless, it will continue its journey and it will make its own path, and will in no way be less of a river because of what the earthquake did to it.

You may never fully heal from your trauma. It may very well have changed the path of your life, but it has not changed you from being you. Your path, like the river will, at times be peaceful and serene, and other times turbulant and wild, but it is your journey your pathway. It may not be the original pathway, but you are not, in any way, less of the person you were meant to be. Your trauma may have changed your path, but it has not stopped you from being you.

I hope this makes sense to you.

 

[joeylittle]

You literally have to be so angry that your thinking is distorted, your filter is non-existent, thus you say what you wouldn't otherwise say, thus you find the true issue that is keeping you down.

I think this concept is 100% right. I just wanted to add that I'm not sure what the right word is for it, but I know for me it's not been anger. Anger is something I block. But I think just a very high level of emotion - anything that is burning "hot" - can let this happen.

I think I've done the deepest levels of disclosure and processing when I've let myself really go head-on into the despair and grief. That's my equivalent of anger, I think.

@Notsowild , the point being that the more ingrained the trauma, the harder the healing. Getting through all the complicated surface feelings to tap into the central, core issue - that's what really lets the work happen.