Cannot Believe I Am Even Considering This!!! Need Relationship Advice!!!

[pandora]

Well no wonder I feel yucky and I am having way too much anxiety...moving and the person I have helping..I know wants to go out and has made some sexual references, not vulgar but I think I am starting to freak out again. It has been a couple of years since I attempted a new relationship.

Last time I was honest and then 6 weeks into the relationship and call me stupid but I did not see it coming...He said I was not ready to date. How do I know if I am ready now or maybe I never, ever will be.


My friends boyfriend is downstrairs doing work on my mothers portion of the house and we are not alone in the house but alone upstairs. That has given me such a sense of security and peace knowing it is not even an option for him to come on to me....Maybe I just need to be friends...How do I know???
Anyone have any words of wisdom for me????
UUGGHHH..Life...it is so confusing!:crazy:

My negative thinking is kicking in...I almost feel not good enough and that I am not good for anyone..I have been saying I WANT to be alone...Not healthy at all!

 

[2quilt]

Tell him what you are feeling, using "I statements" rather than "You statements."

 

[Nicolette]

Any new relationship will cause some sort of anxiety whether it be stress or excitement - especially if you have been out of the dating game for awhile.

My advice is to take each day as it comes, trust your feelings & let the rest evolve naturally & not analyse what is happening too much - unless of course it feels wrong.

You could be causing your own rise in anxiety just trying to analyse the situation. You know you can trust yourself & when the right person for you comes along none of the previous issues will arise.

Good luck & just have fun.

 

[Grama-Herc]

May I suggest that NOW is not the time to start any kind of relationship.

You have WAY to much going on right now

Just my humble opinion

 

[pandora]

I just laughed out loud Herc...I was just sitting here thinking the same thing!!!

That is a great communication technique that I forgot..thank you 2quilt.
Thank you for the advice Nicolette..makes alot of sense.

I think the answer really is....I really do have a lot going on but I think I am managing ok..considering all the things that are going on and the next couple of months are going to be hard....detoxing.....hospital....move....husband back to court.....new puppy....autism and 13 year old hormones....high school starting for my son....

I have to start thinking that it is ok to just be friends....I just have never had a male friend..always a boyfriend and the need to be intimate...I constantly obsess over intimacy when in a relationship, cannot wait for that part of it to be over.

I think physical things may just never be a possibility...still makes me feel sick. I had therapy...won't this feeling ever go away. I feel so abnormal. I am ok with not being in an intimate relationship. I just do not want to be alone forever.

 

[ANCHOR]

Boundaries, Boundaries, Boundaries....

This is a time to start redefining what your boundaries are in your life. You are in a really strong emotional state because you are able to reflect consciously what you are feeling...and instead of doing something you are uncertain of you have looked for feedback first. Very powerful state of mind.:thumbs-up:clap:

It sounds like you are not sure how to be friends with a man. This is not unusual. So it is OK to be confused about it. If you have a teenaged son in your life, then the boundaries you set for yourself and any gentleman in your life will be displayed to your son. So it is important that he sees you are treated with respect to your needs. He will see that it makes you happy. This will go a long way.

When men/people habitually persist with innuendos, and unclear intentions, it is psychologically taxing.:doh: We should not encourage it by letting it confuse us. This behavior subconsciously encourages us to question our selves (did 'I' encourage this, do 'I' owe him something, why do 'I' feel confused, etc...) and that could be unhealthy in the long run as we are assuming the blame for the other person's lack of specificity. It is better for you to feel a clear sense of understanding of what others are asking of you, even just as friends, so that you can respond with honesty to your true self and not as you feel people may expect you to respond. It is OK then, to tell someone that you need them to communicate more clearly about what they mean. "Look, I don't have time for innuendos, so please speak more plainly." This will exude confidence and encourage respect.

Please take care! :smile: Communication is half the battle with this condition of trauma (and our societies).:Hug_emoticon:

 

[pandora]

ANCHOR...your insight is amazing..your words make alot of sense. I need to give myself as much positive encouragement as you just did. Thank You for that...

 

[Deleted member 541]

Pand,

You are so funny, sometimes I just get the giggles out of you....Listen, what is it that you really want???? Be honest with yourself here. Yes, you do have a lot on your plate right now, but in the end if you want a relationship, all of the other stuff will still be there and you will still have to deal with it. That's just how life is, we deal and we manage.

If a relationship isn't what you want, then you will know that too. Personally, I think that you are just scared.......I think that you would like one, but are afraid of getting involved, because you are afraid of getting hurt.....And afraid of the problems that come along with a relationship, and from someone that has had sexual abuse in the past....ALL very typical behavior, and thinking.

Pand, you are very pretty, very young, and you deserve to be happy, in whatever you choose to do with this subject....Just be sure that you make the right decision for the right reason.......

 

[pandora]

Thank you for the compliments She Cat and thank you for the phone call..I am thinking about ya!!! One day at a time..

It is amazing how much proper sleep helps me function..duh!!! Hopefully this insomnia will pass and then I have to do my best to avoid such an uncomfortable place and get back into life. I have been sitting in the dark for over a year still..I need peace and wuiet but I think I need to find another way to get calm and join yoga as I have been saying for years.

I realize that a relationship..not the best time to start something so one day at a time..I can do that. I was just trying to get through one minute at a time before, now it is getting through a day..that is improvement.

I see more clearly..I am worrying way too much about something I CAN control. I have the CHOICE to say no. I am in the drivers seat this time. I am not looking for love, companionship, a family. I just want to be happy and lead a happy life. So...I think it is going to be ok and I have to keep breathing too. Definately thinking better...I hate this roller coaster of emotions. PTSD...the gift that keeps on giving.

I was talking to She on the phone earlier and she laughed and said I should post how I referred to PTSD today..instead of post traumatic stress disorder..we have deceided to change the name to PTFB...post traumatic f..ing BS. Sorry about the language..it is just the anger I feel!!!

I need more good days because I can survive these...the bad ones are really bad and they just sometimes make it nearly impossible for me to think rationally (in some areas) or to function.

Thank you everyone for the support. I definately can say I am healing from this and learning to live with it. The cbt I have learned really has helped. I think..I know I just need to get well physically..the move is doing wonders for my spirit..I was there today for about an hour alone. I was organizing the "stuff there" I had the most amazing sense of peace, something I have not felt for a very long time. I know it is going to be ok!

 

[pandora]

I just realized when reading this over..I started almost all of my sentences with "I"..I am learning to communicate and share what I want to say with more of a positive phrase or thought. Now I just need to learn to talk to people. It took a long time but I am feeling optimistic now. I knew this move was going to help..10 more days!!!

 

[Grama-Herc]

I like the sound of your last post. Keep it up!

 

[pandora]

I see a definate change. I can now realize..the bad days do not last forever and I DO actually have good days and I feel that though the next couple of months are going to be very scary and just plain hard, I am strong and I CAN do this. I wish I could say PTSD has not changed my life but I can definately say that I am learning to live with it.

I think, I know all of the therapy..CBT and EMDR along with this site has really helped me to see more clearly. I think my insight and thinking has become clearer.

I remember one counselling...AHA moment. I said to her..."So, I am not thinking properly" and she told me that I was not..it is all about changing the thoughts and thinking patterns. I think I am finally able to do that...What a wonderful realization!