Can't access rage safely unless i'm drunk

[Chava]

that's all. Not sure how I work around that one...(I've been drinking mouthwash since stores are closed and somehow I know not to drive out in search of more booze). Making angry drawings. Mouthwash? I just don't want to die, okay???????? Hard to get at the real stuff. Conncting to therapist like she's a real person and suddenly also rage at my mom for abuse. I think she molested me too because she was a CSA dissociated and raging robot. I'm sorry for this post. I need to get my shit back togthr.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Chava,

You have fallen off the wagon after 20 years sober. Are you going to AA? Are you reaching out for help for your alcoholism? You are very well aware that its a slippery slope. I know you're dealing with a lot, but drinking isn't going to make anything better. Its only going to make things worse.

If you're drinking mouthwash, I don't think you should have any alcohol in the house whatsoever.

 

[Chava]

I know I cant writ now,,,,,but thak you

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Please reach out for help locally! I know you need the extra support right now. Can you get to any meetings?

 

[Fadeaway]

:hug: One moment at a time.

 

[Weemie]

you might be better off getting some real alcohol, @Chava. drinking mouthwash can be dangerous due to the other ingredients in it (some put shit like hydrogen peroxide in it which is bad for GI). denatured alcohol (depending on how they do it, what brand you get, etc.) can be very, very bad for you. same w/ vanilla extract & shit. they denature it so it isn't exposed to federal excise taxes, and some of that shit can be seriously toxic (methanol = bad news). if you are going to drink, drink real alcohol. from a store.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@lightraze,

Please don't encourage her to drink.....I think its a bit cruel of you given that she started drinking less than 3 weeks ago after 20 years sober.

 

[Weemie]

@itsKismet, she is an adult who can make her own decisions. if she's going to choose to drink, which inevitably she has, then the priority is her immediate safety. denatured alcohol products can be severely toxic, much more than regular ethanol. worry about the emotional fallout when you worry about it, but take care of your body. alcohol isn't good for you (and can be toxic in high doses as well) but it's better than mouthwash.

 

[SnowJo]

That's the way it was for me in my teenage years... and the rage would come out as tears... Rage therapy might help... just need to find the right therapist... Also sometimes I needed to imagine my story was someone elses... imagine then how would I feel about what happened to that child, what would I want to do to help them?... then I applied it to myself... This is because I dissasociated during the trauma like most of us, and it helps us to connect feelings and normalise things over time. Also sometimes writing or drawing is better .. depends on how your brain works, try a few different things.

 

[Chava]

Thanks everyone. I'm awake, and not dead. I'd never just sit down with a glass of mouthwash. I'm not excusing it (really f*cked up choice) but once in a while I've done that when I ran out of alcohol and local stores are closed, or somehow even though I'm out of my mind I know not to drive out for more. I just used a little bit to finish the job. I did e-mail someone in AA and asked that she call me, because I sensed I'd manage to not do that today. I reached out in that e-mail and here about 5 minutes before falling asleep.

Crazy idea was that maybe I could control how I was doing this. Nope, not really. I drank a few weeks ago because a clash between a new med and my sleeping head had really f*cked with my mind. But I've honestly been a bit abusive of the ambien for a while so was almost asking for something to go wrong

 

[Chava]

you might be better off getting some real alcohol, Link Removed.

Now I see I did note in my first post about this. I know it's f*cked up, but I was better off not going out on the highway to get more alcohol. And like a crazy alcoholic, I just wanted to finish the job. If I were to continue, I'd get a bigger amount to begin with , but that's the problem...my tolerance increases fast and this is a fast track to hell. I have more structure this week and hopefully that helps.

 

[The Albatross]

"The dangers of drinking mouthwash include gastrointestinal upset, oral burns, and alcohol poisoning. Mouthwash is used to eliminate bacteria and odors from the mouth and is typically gargled or swished around the mouth before the user spits it out. Many mouthwashes are high in alcohol content and certain brands contain hydrogen peroxide and wood alcohol, which is also known as methyl alcohol. If consumed in certain amounts, methyl alcohol can cause organ damage and blindness.

Drinking mouthwash can also cause severe nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea. This can cause extreme dehydration and may require hospitalization for intravenous fluid and electrolyte replacement. In addition, since certain mouthwash brands contain hydrogen peroxide, consuming mouthwash can cause burns and scarring of the throat and mouth. The chemicals in mouthwash are acidic in nature and have been known to cause irritation and tissue damage.

A severe consequence of drinking mouthwash is losing consciousness. Since many mouthwashes are high in alcohol content, drinking mouthwash can cause profound sleepiness, which may progress to unconsciousness in extreme situations. Other hazards of consuming mouthwash include low blood pressure, breathing difficulties, and rapid heart beat. Signs of mouthwash overdose can mimic those of intoxication and may include slurred speech, difficulty walking, and delayed reflexes." (link: http://www.wisegeek.com/what-are-the-dangers-of-drinking-mouthwash.htm )

Chava, I think I would refute, "I can't access rage safely unless I'm drunk". If you're alcoholic and are in lapse or relapse... that is not safe. Not at all. Very glad you emailed a peer. The contortions that we who are alcoholic go through... "it was better than getting in my car and driving" or like you shared, "but once in a while I've done that when I ran out of alcohol and local stores are closed, or somehow even though I'm out of my mind I know not to drive out for more. I just used a little bit to finish the job."

One of my peers actually used similar logic and was drinking perfume. We had a homeless man, a mouthwash drinker in the group... to her own "best" thinking... at least she wasn't drinking mouthwash. :O_o:

Please get back into recovery and get a grip on this.