i "get" the not being able to breathe thing It is the top of my list of Ways to Cope daily, "Breather Deeply all Day", so i try to remember.
Apparently, the story goes, when I was 2, I held my breath, turned blue, passed out on a regular basis. That is what was required for me to get attention from "the mother".
On my next well check-up, she mentioned this to the doc( I am sure she hated these interruptions but she had to deal with a child who was not breathing. He suggested next time i do this behavior, just walk away. She did and laughingly she told the story that it worked, I never pulled that manipulatory stunt again.
My siblings and I all laughed at the story. Especially me as she very rarely told stories about her children. So I got to be in the limelight when she told this memory probably once or twice.
Now that I am 64, diagnosed with cptsd, I realize why I did that and think how desperate I must have been for any sort of attention from my mother. I wonder what happened inside me when she followed the docs suggestion and walked away. That must have been a revealing day for me.
And that, I believe, was the beginning of a life-long pattern of holding my breath, Very hard habit to break for me.