Can't control my rage

[Upside Down Eagle]

Currently,

I'm in a bit of a bad situation, because just a few months ago I discovered that I have to look for another place to live. That poses a problem, because the place I now rent is great for me: it's just me and my cat. I need my solitude because when things are going bad, or when I have tension, I react agressively to everything around me... even sounds from the exterior, like a car engine, seems an invasion of my personal space and makes me go crazy.

That kind of anger has already caused me to destroy certain things around this house, and plenty of small furniture. This thing about possibly having to rent a students room again or share the rent with someone else is not positive, because I'm obviously not very social in my condition and not the kind of tenant everybody is looking for. When I react to a room that is for rent, I have my 'social mask' on, I pretend to be someone very normal while inside I know they would consider me, at the very least, a disturbed freak.

Even worse is the fact that after two years of therapy I still have this horrible anger inside me that can be triggered by just anything when I'm jumpy. I go running in the park when I feel I'm going to explode, but I can't always do that because I have work to do or because it's night. So I talked to my therapist about this and a month ago she said she would get this guy for me who would do some anger management with me. But apparently this guy has a waiting list, and that makes me even angrier because I really don't feel like I'm safe for my environment right now...

 

[Srain]

Radise,

I can understand first, not wanting to move when it is not your idea and obviously from a place you safe in. Second, it's unfortunate that your tdoc is not able to get you into this specialist sooner. I'm wondering if there is some other way in the meantime to help you deal with your situation.

I understand that you experience what seems to be Rage, my have been uncontrollable when set off. I have had to do a lot of work around it in the past. I am doing extensive work around it once again to get to the core because I truly want to heal. I don't know much about anger management, I never took it, I worked mainly on what made me Rageful, I didn't have anger, I had Blind Rage. Worked out my Rage against my father. I was free from most of that Rage until I realized I had turned a lot of it inward on myself. Now it's learning to work it in a controlled way out without hurting myself or anyone else. I'm usinng grounding techniques and setting up a safe "room".

Radise, even if you don't have a safe apartment, you might be able to set up for yourself a safe room that you can go into where there you cannot hurt anything or anyone. Cover the walls so that you cannot smash through them, headphones to block out noise. Is this a possibility? I get you want to run outside but sometimes maybe not. To try using another avenue? Then use grounding tool, such as hold your cat, breath in and breath out, (Like Albatross and BloominWinter say..surf the Rage....ride OVER it instead of inside of it)..then come down from it. Come online here, write in your diary. Call your tdoc.

Are any of these things options??

 

[wife of]

Have you considered getting a punchbag??

 

[Anna]

Excercise is a really good positive way of getting out all that negative anger.

 

[Sandra]

Releasing anger isn't easy for me either. So I tend to keep it bottled up.

 

[ronin47]

For starters, moving is stressful for anyone. I know just here on my college campus at the end of the year when everyone's having to move out of there rooms things can get rather tense. Recognize that and recognize that stress in going to be an inevitable part of this process no matter what you do. The only thing you can control is how you manage that stress, and breaking things is not the way to go about it.

Running is a great way to get stress out, but you're right about the whole jogging at night thing. I know where I go to school if I told someone I went jogging at night I would get wide eyed stares. Since you already know that exercise works for you, find a way you can apply that indoors. When you're feeling calmer, design an exercise regime (push ups, sit ups, etc). Then put together a playlist of music that gets you in a work out mood. Whenever you feel the rage coming on, go into another room, turn on that playlist, and work your exercise regime until the playlist is done.

Learning to be aware of your body is also a good thing. There are physical symptoms of rage that you've probably experienced before, such as that tension in your core or heat in your head. Teach yourself to recognize them when they first start to come on so you can deal with it before it snowballs into an out of control fit.

 

[maddog]

I really just want to echo the brilliant advice given above. Are you able to get yourself a treadmill so that you can do your running without having to go outside? I realise room may be a problem, but any form of gym equipment, plus a general exercise regime that doesn't involve any specific form of equipment, could be really beneficial.

And I can't speak highly enough of grounding techniques - they take a lot of work and practice and commitment, but are worth a million dollars when they become ingrained and easily called upon. Have you done grounding work with your T? Does your T have any further practical suggestions in the meantime if you can't access this specialist for a while?

MD

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Hey,

Wow, thanks for all the reactions :-) I think this advice about having a safe room, and about finding a way to to fysical exercise indoors could really work. I've done this sort of thing before, but then some time passes, or there is a lot of things that distract me, and I tend to forget my options. A punchbag seems another great option, maybe I should get out there and see how much it costs. In the past I have done fight sport (Krav Maga), I did it for a couple of months, and it was great but it was also really, really intense. It might seem like a crazy idea for someone with trauma, because you practice agressive situations, but realizing that it was just practice made it easier. Even then it was too much for me to handle emotionally, so I quit (also there were only men there. When I was wearing just a tank top they would all stare at me -not cool at all).

I really recognize this thing Srain says about not suffering anger but Blind Rage. Most of the time I also keep it bottled up because I don't know what else to do with it (also caused by my parents in this case), and also most of the time I'm not even aware of it. That is, until something really, (really) minor happens, like getting cold water in the shower or something in the way, and then it just explodes so that I can't control it anymore. I've never heard about these grounding techniques (maybe because I speak Dutch with my therapist and there's another word for it), but I've just looked it up on the internet and I think it might help. Hugging my cat helps big time, he's so sweet. That's another very frustrating thing because when I move, there's a big possibility he can't come along. A lot of landlords here don't want any pets around, and also the cat needs a safe environment where he can play outside...

I have spoken with my therapist about other forms of controlling my rage besides exercise and the specialist, but the option that is left seems to be medication. They gave me Seroxat to calm down in public situations, because those are a big trigger. Too much people around you, sometimes they touch you, they are all making noise and there is no escape from them in the bus or the train. But I hated this seroxat thing, it made me incapable of doing anything at all, even thinking clearly. I'd rather not use that again, in November I have this appointment with the psychiatrist who suggested I should try that, to see if there's any other options for "trigger situations" that I can't directly escape from.

 

[maddog]

I'm sorry to hear of your predicament Radise, it really does sound like a very tricky and distressing situation. I too have had unexpected and rather unfortunate side effects to a range of medications, so much so that I am currently not taking any, in spite of the fact that ideally it's pretty clear I should be. I just haven't been able to find anything that offers symptom relief without causing more problems than it solves.

I actually looked into krav maga myself a year or so ago and was very enthusiastic about taking it up, but realised just in time that the prospect of the physical contact involved in this or any other form of marshal art was far too terrifying for me, so reluctantly didn't go through with it. I'm sorry that your own experience turned out to be a negative - I think that ideally there could be a lot of empowerment and self confidence involved in such a sport, but breaking through the trigger barriers is something I'm not sure how to conquer.

Maddog