Sufferer Can't Escape From Sociopath Abuser. Going Mad!

[manyriverstocross]

Hi all.

I feel a bit awkward posting on a forum, but I'm just not quite sure what to do anymore. For ten years I was married to a man who has used his "mental illness" as an excuse to attack and terrorize me. He had chased me down in the middle of a snowstorm with an axe while I was running away from him, in bare feet, with our son. He drove deck screws into a board and told me that he was going to solve my problems forever. He held me down and wrapped duct tape around my head, and on and on.

We have been divorced for 8 years now and he still will not leave me alone. I live in the house that we purchased, and I was hoping to sell it. Then the housing market went bust. Everywhere I look there are reminders of things I don't want to remember.

He rings my phone upwards of 50 times a day sometimes, and even though I don't answer he keeps it up. I went to the court for an order for protection, which was granted. But I still have to allow contact between him and our son. He had never physically harmed our child.

I don't know how to move forward when there is a constant onslaught. I've been dealing with this for close to twenty years now, and the only hope I have is that when my son turns 18, I'll be allowed to change my phone number. I feel trapped. His parents had both installed crazy alarm systems in their homes, and now have left the state to put distance between themselves and "him", because they can't sleep at night with him out there.

I want to run, but I can't. My brain is fracturing.

 

[Elisacullen21]

Big welcome to the forum :) I'm sad to hear that. I can feel your fear.

I understand how PTSD can be frustrating. I feel it every day. But I know that I'm strong. And you're strong too. I here for you if you need to talk. Kisses for you.

 

[manyriverstocross]

Thank you for your welcome. :) I was starting to feel like I was in the wrong place. Thank You.

<Edited to remove quote. It is not necessary to quote entire posts, especially when they immediately precede your post.>

 

[intothelight]

Hi manyriverstocross,

The Forum is a great place for information and for support. It is critical that you also have support around you; as dealing with an abusive ex-spouse is extremely stressful.

Domestic violence doesn't stop when the divorce is final. Yes, having a child will require that you keep contact with him; but do everything you can to protect yourself.

Welcome and keep posting as you need.

Debbie

 

[BloomInWinter]

Dear ((((ManyRivers)))),

I am very sorry for all you have endured. With specific actions, taken over time, you will break free of him. It is NOT your fault. You are in good company, here. Many of us have dealt with/lived with sociopaths.

Do you see a T.? Do you have a good lawyer? Do you have a good advocate from the local domestic abuse shelter? You deserve all this and much, much more.

Has your lawyer asked to have him only be allowed to call at specific times of the day, limited to only a day or two a week unless it's an emergency? You can also get your phone records from your phone company.

If not, you might ask for that.

Also, reporting him to the police EVERY time he calls back will allow them to document the harassment. Plus, asking them to pick up the phone and warn him is effective 'in the moment' so long as the first time, you've answered and said 'do NOT call me again until (designated call time) or I'll call the police.' This can make him stop. But, only do that if you intend to follow through, or it makes it worse.

Hang in there. Begin by refusing to shame, blame, or hate on yourself.

You are NOT alone. You have friends, allies, witnesses, and resources now.

You have already won your life back. We just need to help you make him aware of that.

Good for you for facing this!

 

[afraidofthelight]

(((((manyriverstocross)))))
lots and lots of mental hugs!!!

I hope you can find strength and encouragement here. You should be really proud that you have come so far to have managed to break away from him as much as you have; it is not easy, especially in a complicated situations, such as when children are invovled.

Asking lawyer about making specific times when he is allowed to call would be wonderful in my opinion... maybe even be able to take it further: him have a mobile number (and only that mobile number) that is only turned on during those times???? ( I don't know anything about the laws regarding access to children, but might be worth asking the lawyer/police) The idea of having it documented also sounds good to me too, always good to have independent evidence of things (and will help you to not feel crazy when they look as disugusted with his behaviour as I am [which any rational and humane person would])

 

[manyriverstocross]

Thanks to everyone for the warm welcome!

I have been documenting things as much as I can. The police have only been marginally helpful. One of the problems is that he has been using various numbers to call the phone. I believe he is paying for spoof numbers. Also, they have told me that a threat over the telephone isn't really a threat. We have just turned the ringers off and then at least we don't need to listen to it ring...but he'll call repeatedly until the batteries run down on our phones.

I have been working with legal aid, as my finances don't allow me to hire a lawyer anymore. He has run me out of cash. And what I spent didn't get me very far!

The separate mobile number is a good idea. The thing is, when we cut him off a bit it is even more dangerous. The threats become actions. I've had my tires slashed, my windows broken, fires started, etc. My son's school was put on lockdown after he called threatening to come down there and shoot up the school. A neighbor of his called the police for a disturbance at his house, and was arrested for having a stolen rifle. Unfortunately, the charges didn't stick because of some procedural error.

My son wanted to go to the police station to file a report after his dad left repeated voicemails that he was going to destroy his world, and that it'd be "awfully sad if you never saw your little brother smile again". Even after he played the voicemail for them, they refused to take a report, saying that that was not a threat. Out of laziness I think, but it left my son in tears.

We are trying to take control, but it's so hard. Moving past the trauma is hard when it still continues. And I am so very tired of the people in my life that don't understand how rough it's been. They just yell at me and tell me it's my own darn fault for having gotten involved with him in the first place. I was only 20. I wish I could rewind and take it all away.

I can't be around noise or crowds or anything too stimulating. When I'm forced into those situations, I just break away somewhere inside. In fact, my step mother in law just wrote me a huge e-mail about how she "knows" I'm popping fistfulls of pills. It's not true! Now she won't even talk to me, but she had to let me know how much she hates me and that everyone else does too. I'm so sad. I shut down and don't know what I'm doing sometimes. Apparently I start slurring my words and referencing people that I don't have any idea who they are. I don't remember any of it! I am beginning to feel like I must have a brain tumor or something.

Thank you for the support! I am going to get past this somehow, someday :)

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((((ManyRivers))))))

I'm so sorry you were told that. A threat over the phone IS really a threat.

Time to get your local women's advocate on board. This is either a lazy, incompetent, or abusive cop. Ask for his supervisor. If that person won't help you, ask for a complaint form, and fill it out and make a copy for yourself. This is typical behavior for some officers, I'm afraid.

A good lawyer would make HIM pay for your legal expenses. Change lawyers. NONE should ask you up front to pay. They should make him pay your fees. Your local women's advocate should have a listing of ones that would be helpful.

Ok, he's still free after threatening to shoot up the school? What did the school authorities do?

Your son should file a report, too, or if he is a minor, you should. He also deserves help from a victim's advocate too. Those threats against him and his little brother are against the law. If the police won't help you, it may be time to contact your local newspaper and ask for a reporter to help. I've gone this route a few times and the threat of it shames the police into doing the right thing. ...and least, so far... ;>

Are you in the States?

Your phone can be possibly receiving calls via online harassment sites. Ask your phone company for the ip addresses and originating phone numbers. Then, have them all blocked except for his. ...and keep asking. If he's using the Internet to harass you, the police can contact the internet service provider, or you can, and report him. He likely would have his Internet access yanked. That gets their attention quick.

If this were me, I'd keep going up the ladder with the police. I'd get with the women's advocate today. I'd find out all services I qualify for and use them.

Is your ex a member of law enforcement? A 'pillar' of the community? A church member? Sociopaths do fear being 'outed' for their own behavior, so telling safe people is a beginning.

Have your locks been changed? There are usually funds to help women do this.

This will get better for you and your son.

 

[intothelight]

manyriverstocross,

You will get past it, but it isn't easy. I am wondering if your ex and mine shared some type of psycho-abusive-stalking-threatening-ex handbook! I am just going to list a few things I did that helped. Use what you think might work.

1. You do not need to talk to the MIL. You owe her nothing. Block her from your e-mail, change your cell number, and get the "special" cell for the ex. Only he will have that number and that way you can track the calls.
2. You do need to get assistance from a domestic violence shelter. Even if you can't afford an attorney, they can help you with the navigation of some basic legal matters.
3. Make sure you have really good locks and if possible a camera on your house. The DV group should be able to direct you to assistance in this area. A restraining order is difficult to enforce unless you document non-stop.
4. Get to know your local police officers. They need to be your best friends. Go into the station and speak to the supervisor and let him/her know about the situation. Ask them what they recommend for protection and documentation.
5. I don't know how large the community you live in is, but sometimes it helps to know the local prosecutor(s). There were times the police would arrest, but getting a case prosecuted was an entirely different matter.
6. Not sure where you exchange when visitation takes place, but if at all possible, make sure it is done in a public place. I did mine at the police station.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Just surround yourself with people that are supportive and will watch your back. Always have an escape plan, just in case he escalates. Again, the DV group can help with this also.

Wishing you the best.
Debbie

 

[manyriverstocross]

Thanks for the replies!

I have had the locks changed years ago, and have been wanting to install a camera so I have some evidence of the things that he has been doing outside of my house.

We have a door to the upstairs, where we installed a lock, and there are deadbolts on our bedroom doors as well. We have fire escape ladders in the bedrooms so we can hopefully get out if we are pinned down upstairs.

The police liason officer at the school has become an ally. He calls me when there are any issues. After he threatened the school, he was picked up by the police, but all anyone accomplished was a 72 hour psych hold at county. He's conveniently crazy. He even called and left a voice message saying how much he enjoyed vacationing in the psych ward. "I can do anything", is what he says.

He has a case manager through the county. She was pursuing a civil commitment, which was denied due to insufficient evidence. We keep gathering. He's too crazy to be incarcerated for his crimes, but sane enough that they can't keep him for more than 72 hours. A master manipulator is what he is.

Thank you very much for the advice, it is very much appreciated. I will try to keep climbing the ladder with the precinct in my area. Sorry to ramble on so much.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Don't give up, ManyRivers....eventually a caring person in a position of authority will know the right buttons to push to get this person out of your life.

He sure sounds like a psychopath. Gosh, how awful.

Glad the police liason officer is an ally.

Here's some info on using laptops, monitors as cameras...
http://www.ehow.com/how_10018766_use-mac-surveillance-camera.html

 

[PTSD sufferer]

Hi Many Rivers,

Welcome to the forum. As you have probably already seen there are many of us who have been in similar situations, with sociopaths and psychopaths. You are not alone. Bloom and Debbie always give out sound advice and I agree with them completely. We are all here for you.

xxoo PS