Can't get intimate with husband .. help!

[nowthisisme]

Ok guys i need your help again..

So since i started treatment i have made a lot of changes in my life. I have been so focused of myself that i totally neglected my husband. He has no clue whats happeneing to me and i dont plan on telling him until i am ready (i don't know how long that will take).
He thinks I'm just stressed and tired from work and managing the kids.

Anyway, last week my husband started getting frustrated, apparently we havent had sex in 6 weeks! I havent even noticed! I have been dodging him and if I'm sleeping and he tries to wake me I push him away or tell him to leave me alone (i have no memory of that).

Well i have been trying to get in the mood but cant! Everytime he touches me i shiver and move away, last night i really tried, i lite candles and wore something nice just to get myself in the mood but right when he walked in the room i felt like a hammer hit me right between the eyes, i had the worst headach I've ever had, it took me 30min to be able to open my eyes from the pressure.

After about an hour, we tried again, and right when he touched me at a specific spot i jumped out of bed, literally flew out of bed, and my heart was racing.

I just told him that my head still hurt. He left the room to smoke. I just layed there lost and confused.

Why is this happening?!? damit i am so pissed about this.

This is the exact reason why i didnt want to start treatment, it feels likes the trama is taking over EVERYTHING in my life.

What can i do? I am not ready to tell him or anyone else about what happened to me. But i dont want to risk messing up my relationship.

Any ideas? :(

 

[Deleted member 541]

What treatment have you started?????

 

[Justmehere]

What can i do? I am not ready to tell him or anyone else about what happened to me.

You don't have to tell him what happened to you. It doesn't have to be so all or nothing as tell him nothing or tell him all that happened. It might help to tell him you are in treatment to sort out what's going on, and that you need some space and time to work it out.

It's quite common for symptoms to get worse before they get better - be sure to tell your treatment team of these difficulties. They may be able to help considerably.

 

[loui50]

are you a CSA survivor? What kind of treatment? I've had intamacy issues with my husband for years. I'm just figuring out the why of it all, so know that you aren't alone. I go physically numb and think about anything except what is happening.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

When I first started therapy my husband got the idea that what I needed was a romantic weekend On Catalina Island and that was the last thing I needed and I felt so bad for him, so I really tried to be there for join but it was so hard. I really think that it would be a good idea eventually to have him go to one of your therapy sessions when you and your therapist give him some information so he can understand and be supportive to you like you need. I can so relate to what you are going through right now. Good luck

 

[nowthisisme]

What treatment have you started?????

I just started CBT therapy, plan is to start with that and see where it takes me.

 

[nowthisisme]

You don't have to tell him what happened to you. It doesn't have to be so all or nothing as tell him...

Ya I've been thinking about just telling him i have a problem and need help. He doesnt know i go see my T, we have never had a conversation about it, so i have no idea how he might react to the idea of therapy.
He's a bit old school and we don't have mental health issues in the family, so this type of conversations has never been discussed before.
The guilt of me going without telling him was killing me but i didnt want his reaction to stop be for going.

 

[nowthisisme]

are you a CSA survivor? What kind of treatment? I've had intamacy issues with my husband for years. I...

Yes, CSA survivor :(. It really sucks. I am sorry you are going through the same thing. I get a better sweet feeling when i hear someone is going through the same thing.
Before i began therapy i would become physically numb and i would start thinking of anything else just to pass the time, this didnt happen all the time but most of it.

 

[nowthisisme]

When I first started therapy my husband got the idea that what I needed was a romantic weekend On Catalina...

Ya my husband surprised me a couple of weeks ago by booking us 2 nights away, i got angry when he told me :unsure:, i felt like crap about it, i told him i couldnt leave work since we're getting ready for the hoilday season and we are understaffed.

Thinking of him going to a session with me is making me sick. I am so scared and worried about him know what happened to me. even telling him i have PTSD without giving details freaks me out.

I feel so bad for the poor guy. He is such a sweetheart and doesnt deserve this.

 

[Justmehere]

The guilt of me going without telling him was killing me but i didnt want his reaction to stop be for going.

What kind of reaction do you fear he will have?

It seems like right now you are either trying to avoid him reacting to things as they are, or trying to avoid him reacting to knowing you are getting help.

And he's already reacting...

It seems like some of what you might be trying to avoid is happening anyhow. He is reacting to things as they are with frustration, and probably a bit of confusion, and misguided but well meaning attempts to help.

The fact that he booked a trip sort of suggests he wants to be supportive, but doesn't know how.

It might help to come up with a plan to handle possible reactions - responses you can have on hand, so that you don't react to any of his reactions. This might help with the anxiety you feel to have a plan.

Remember: his reactions are his... not yours. I know this might sound obvious and yet super duper hard to really hang on to in the moment - but when I have been caught up in concerns about how someone will take something, I try to remember that someone's reactions are theirs, not mine, to manage. The only person I can manage is me.

I also don't think you have to get into detail about the treatment. He may have questions - but you can set the boundary that you are not ready to talk about it.

I have found that good and kind hearted people usually react in ways that backfire or get judgy or weird when they don't know what to do about the pain and suffering someone else is in.

If you told him that you are working on why you are resisting physical intimacy, that it's not about him but personal issues, and you are not ready to talk about it... and then quickly jump into practical tangible ways he can help support you through this time, he might be less rattled by it.

There are people I've told about my going to therapy and if I leave it open ended, people tend to pry and get worried and do things that backfire. But when I say, "I'm dealing with it, I got professional help, and here's the practical things from you that could help..." people are less reactive and more responsive and can hack it better.

Not sure of this makes any sense...

My heart goes out to you as you sort this out. :hug:

 

[nowthisisme]

What kind of reaction do you fear he will have?

It seems like right now you are either trying to av...

Makes plenty of sense. I think you hit the nail on the head with this.

He is already reacting and not in a good why. I just need to figure out exactly what i need to tell him, when i should talk to him, and what my reaction is going to be. I am going to wait till my session with T on Saturday, I need help planing this out and practicing my reaction. Hopefully he doesn't open the subject up with me before then.

I posted my thread hoping someone can give me ideas on how to shake myself out of this funk, how i can manage myself without him knowing... blah I hate when you guys knock some sense into me! lol

.. I am so nervous. Its really hard when you live your life being perfect and you have to start showing your loved ones you are not even close to being perfect. I guess one step at a time ..

Thank you so much for taking the time to give me such a detailed reply. I am so happy i joined this forum.

But if anyone else has any ideas on how i can cope and manage myself without having to talk to my hubby i am all ears! :D lol

 

[Justmehere]

But if anyone else has any ideas on how i can cope and manage myself without having to talk to my hubby i am all ears! :D l

Preemptive grounding might help. You can search this forum or via any search engine and find a lot of great grounding techniques.

The response you are having is the fight or flight response to the past event as if it's happening now. Grounding is all about bringing our bodies/brains to the here-and-present, which is this case is safer, and thus the fight or flight response can begin to lower. Pre-emptive grounding throughout the day can help reduce symptoms when triggered.

Check out this explaination about managing symptoms: The Ptsd Cup Explanation. Working on reducing stress levels in other areas of life may actually give you more room without things spilling over into as high of symptoms with physical intimacy.

Something else I do is to really focus on how the person is NOT like the past abuser. I know they are not the abuser... but when I'm jumpy, overwhelmed, and pulling back, not all of me really knows it... so reminding myself of how they are not the abuser can sometimes help.

Another thing that might help is coming up with a few containment strategies with therapy. It's like healthy compartmentalization. One common thing many therapists do is to walk the client through imagining putting the work about the trauma "away" before leaving therapy sessions. My therapist had me picture putting it all in her file cabinet. I also would write down 3 words about whatever came up during the week and physically put it in an envelope I labeled "later" - it seemed super goofy but it actually lowered symptoms between sessions.

Communicating with the therapist about symptom spikes or difficulties like this is important because there may be ways hey can alter the work so that it's no so overwhelming and leading to situations that might prompt someone to be temped to leave therapy - and it's generally important for the therapist to know.

As for in-the-moment techniques to handle physical intimacy? I don't really know of any - still searching myself. I find that I have to reduce symptoms overall and then it works better - but struggle to engage in intimacy if I go into it with symptoms high.