Can't get intimate with husband .. help!

[Deleted member 541]

I think the biggest thing is to keep reminding yourself that your husband isn’t the person that hurt you. I know that’s hard, but think of all of the times he’s been supportive and patient. Grounding yourself will also help, and possible some DBT therapy might help as well.

 

[nowthisisme]

Preemptive grounding might help. You can search this forum or via any search engine and find a lot o...

Thank you so much! I'm going to research some grounding techniques and see what best works for me. I feel if i take control then I would be more relaxed and prepared.

Your right about the fight or flight response, before i started treatment i would normally become numb or disassociate if i get touched a certain way or if i get a bad flashback. I am saddened to say there were times when all i could see was my abuser, when i was strong enough i would ask my husband to stop and he would but there were times when i couldn't speak and i just zoomed out of my body and hid somewhere (it's weird to explain it but i was kind of an out of the body experience). Now i feel like i need to fight back, :banghead: .. he's the love of my life, not my abuser. It's ok i will find a way to fix this.

I'm going to talk to my T about containment strategies, I am new to all of this and i am learning a lot about my symptoms and how/why i react to certain things. After my last session my T asked me if i feel safe going outside, I said .. ya of course and i thought what a weird question, why wouldn't i feel safe. But sure enough right when i stepped outside i froze and had to spend 30min in my car to recoup, i barely made the drive home. I wouldn't say i was scared, but maybe shocked or overwhelmed, I am not sure how to explain it, it was a weird experience.

I will be working with my T and explaining all this to her. Maybe she has other ideas on how to stay "in the moment", I will share if i come up with something. Thanks!! :hug:

 

[nowthisisme]

I think the biggest thing is to keep reminding yourself that your husband isn’t the person that hurt yo...

Ya it is hard to stay focused and remind myself that he is NOT my abuser.
This is all a work in progress and hopefully i can find a solution soon because i love this guy dearly and i dont want to lose him or fell like we are in 2 different worlds.

 

[Justmehere]

Maybe she has other ideas on how to stay "in the moment",

- It might help to check out mindfulness strategies as well.

Moving from numb, a freeze response, to a fight or flight response, is actually a very good sign that you are making good progress towards recovery. It feels terrible and awful, and can be really difficult to endure until the fight or flight gets better, but you are doing good work!

 

[UniqueSunflower]

Ok guys i need your help again..

So since i started treatment i have made a lot of changes in my...

How do you think he would respond if you shared a very brief overview of what you are working through? Would he be emotionally supportive or would he be dismissive? Sometimes the one thing that is putting distance between you may bring you closer if and when you feel ready to let him know even a little of what you are experiencing, though it would all depend on his ability to be supportive. I wonder if your therapist would be willing to discuss your concerns in advance and maybe help you navigate talking to him in a way that feels right to you. When you are ready, maybe he could participate in a session with you - and the therapist could be a buffer while you share what you feel comfortable sharing. I have shared aspects of my trauma with people I've dated; sometimes with more success than others. I haven't been married so cannot completely identify with your situation though I do believe that to build or re-build intimacy, we have to be willing to make ourselves vulnerable with the other person. It's not uncommon to have a person in treatment grow apart from their partner and it may take added effort to allow them into your space so you don't end up with too much distance between you. I will keep you in my thoughts.

Uniquesunflower

 

[Rose White]

I am in a similar boat. Once the trauma came out I couldn’t have sex with my husband. It’s been almost 12 weeks now. One thing that has helped me is separating intimacy from sex. I’m trying to figure out how to be intimate with my husband without having intercourse, or sexualizing each other, with the goal of adding that back in when I’m ready.

 

[anonymous]

Have you discussed this with him so he is aware of why you haven’t been intimate for 12weeks so he is aware?

Then maybe you could work on the non sexual intimacy together.

 

[Rose White]

Yes, it is very up front.

 

[anonymous]

I am a bit in shock that so many people are clueless when it comes to non sexual intimacy. I mean all intimacy is sex to you?

 

[anonymous]

Not to me it isn’t to me a gentle hug ,a warm cuddle without it being more than a cuddle ,a quiet meal in a restraunt with soft background music and just the two of you is also intimate.

Also just a meaningful conversation with undivided attention for each other can also be intimate as well as a massage with essential oils.

These are the things my spouse and I enjoy regularly when sexual intimacy is off limits

 

[Rose White]

I am a bit in shock that so many people are clueless when it comes to non sexual intimacy. I mean all intimacy is sex to you?

People use the term intimacy to mean sex, which is why I made the distinction. And for me, sadly yes, all intimacy was tied up with sex due to early childhood sexual abuse and a father who sexualized me my whole life. This is why it is so hard for me to be intimate with friends, acquaintances, anyone—because I was always afraid that I was leading them on or I was reading way too much into innocent behavior and words. I still am like this, but now I am aware, so I can talk myself out of it sometimes or ignore things that in the past would have been a big deal.

With my husband, I knew how to have sex just fine, but I was never present and with intimacy you have to be present, so realized I was “doing intimacy wrong” because it was always with the goal of sex. So now I am learning about yes/no (so is he) and staying present (so is he). I requested a vacation from sex during this time and he agreed to it.