Can't Help But Think...

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

There's so much I can't help but think about.

Seventeen years ago a friend died and today would have been her birthday. I have missed her every New Year's Eve since she died. Her death left me with tons of questions. Could I have saved her? If I had been a better friend, would she still be alive? If I had known what I know now, could I have been wiser and supported her? Would any of that mattered?

And as I struggle with what I do know now but didn't know even 3 years ago, I can't help but think, who am I? Was all that came before just lies? Who can I trust? Who is to blame?

And as I have been on this journey towards healing, I keep asking why? And lately it has been the "questions for which there are no answers", as one of my parts says, that plague me. I want answers to the unanswerable for me, for my parts, for everyone who searches for the answers that cannot be.

This week has been difficult for me. And I find myself wondering, does the world need me? Does my family need me? Wouldn't everyone's life just be easier if they didn't have to deal with me being around? I hope the answers are yes, yes, and no, but sometimes it's really hard to convince myself of that. I have the very visible scars that remind me of misery and death and all that I struggle through. I have to turn away from them and grasp for any kind of hope I can find. Only right now, it's really, really hard. I know these feelings will lessen, they have before. I just wish that they would lessen now and not keep returning. I needed to get these things out so if you are reading this, thanks for being a witness for somehow it helps to know that someone can hear these messages.

 

[RavenGirl]

I hear you. I do believe the world needs you, your family needs you, and I believe the lives you touch would have a hole in them without you. These aren't empty words said to make you feel better; these are words I truly feel in my heart. I feel we are all here for a reason. Maybe we don't always know why, but I think the lives we touch are better for it.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

No relief today. I feel completely lost and broken. I just want someone to scoop me up, hold me in their arms, let me cry until there are no more tears, and then reassure me that this will all work out. But there is no one to scoop me up and hold me. I can't let myself cry like that. And I don't believe that this will all work out.

 

[RavenGirl]

:( Makes me sad that you feel that way. I too have felt those same feelings but not for a long time. Wish I was there to help you out. I never used to allow myself to cry either, as that made me vulnerable. Growing up when I was vulnerable I got hurt. Reminds me of when I wrote my poem called "Sometimes I Wonder. " That was one of my darkest times in my life.:sorry: I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but it WILL get better. Please hang in there. I truly believe the world needs each of us as we are all a piece of the puzzle called life. :hug:

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Thanks again, @RavenGirl . I know it will get better, it's just hard remembering that. And sometimes the feelings are so strong I just have to get them out somewhere in words so I know somehow they are getting out into the world.

I truly believe the world needs each of us as we are all a piece of the puzzle called life.

I like that line. It is especially fitting because I have known that I have this uncanny ability to complete puzzles in a way that I know is not my own doing and I just recently found my "puzzler" (I have dissociative identity disorder and another part has revealed herself and on a hunch my therapist gave her a puzzle to do and she completed it super fast.) so I like the idea that we are all pieces to the puzzle called life.

 

[RavenGirl]

@JEKBreatheandBelieve , I understand. Get the stuff out so out heads don't explode! :woot: lol. This is the perfect place to do that as people here totally get it! So nice to have a place to vent and say what we feel. ;):) I hope you have an awesome night and that tomorrow goes Better for you. :hug:

 

[Seasounds]

I was so touched by your care for your friend, that I shed a couple of tears in hearing about your loss. Losses are hard,let alone when you think you could've helped someone live.

Your situation reminds me of my own haunt, every December. You have company.

I am glad you are here. You are a valuable member of my community, in this forum.
I hope you have some sunshine in the city or town that you live in, tomorrow.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Thanks @Saetva . I am sorry that you have your own haunt every December. It is nice to know that someone understand, but it also makes me sad. There is literal sunshine today and that often helps life my mood. Yesterday was a better day and today I am feeling overwhelmed again, but I shall trudge through.