Relationship Can't Live Like This Anymore

[horizons]

I just can't live like this anymore. He is two distinct people, and it's getting worse. His mate who has PTSD can't get him to return calls. He is having hallucinations whilst driving. Playing the "I'm okay" game with some friends who don't know what's going on, and avoiding those who do. Treating me like he adores me one day, sees me as the enemy the next.

I'm over the lack of respect, I'm over being blamed for his problems, I'm over crying, I'm over being a doormat waiting for him to tell me when he feels like seeing me, I'm over the DISRESPECT and i'm over his vehement denial that he has a problem he is not dealing with. I'm over his psychologist who obviously knows nothing about PTSD, I'm over the doctor whose only answer is for me to pop some serepax,I'm over his aggression, I'm over trying to convince friends that there is more to this than just a relationship issue, I'm over PRETENDING I'M OK, I'm just OVER it all.

I miss having someone sleeping next to me. I miss consistency. I miss fun planning for tomorrow. I miss being able to deal with problems at a rational level. I miss having someone be honest with me. I miss sex. I miss intelligent conversations and philosophical discussions about saving the world. I miss being relaxed. I miss the feeling of safety. I miss the control I had over our business. I miss our business, which is all but gone. I miss believing in love.

I miss him. The man he was 12 months ago. Before all those incidents that twisted him up. I miss the man that would have had the strength to face up to the truth of the effects of his PTSD.

I did not cause him to hurt. I did not choose for him to deny his issues. I was his unwavering safety net. I can't be that net anymore.Not with denial continuously falling in the middle. The net is frayed, worn out.

I'm starting to pack his things tonight.

 

[Cin]

Must be the day for it.

I can honestly say, I understand.

Most of all, I miss my best friend, the only person I could share everything with.

Damn this disorder and the reasons they suffer from it. I loathe PTSD and it's destructive capabilities.

 

[Nicolette]

Wishing you the strength to do what you need to in order to look after yourself Horizons.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

take care and i admire your strength.

 

[horizons]

Hey Cin, my partner was my best friend too. But while ever he is in denial, he is NOT a friend. In fact,what friend would play a person's emotions in this way. (and I'm not talking about the retreating times, I'm talking about making promises he does not keep, about secrecy, about lies and about lack of responsibility)

I know in my heart and soul I did EVERYTHING I could, including being someone I am NOT.

I played the game HIS way but it got worse. For me to deliberately hold back my feelings, stop talking about our joint business (which was our passion), cease making life plans and never ever complain or criticize....well I'm not being true to myself anymore am I.....and I happen to LIKE me when I'm true to myself.

Only last weekend I took him to a place that was full of love, laughs and music. To remind him of a peaceful world that thrives on people being who they truly are - young and old, rich and poor, no pretence.... at the time he said it was awesome, but good memories obviously fade into nothingness with this disorder.

I do not feel as though I have strength at all. I am wiped out, heartbroken, exhausted, hurt, confused..... I just can't allow myself to go down anymore. And allowing him to continue to play games with me means I go down. Besides which, his hallucinations whilst driving puts others at risk. Yet he keeps driving, and keeps insisting he has it all under control. He has become the very kind of person he despises. Lack of responsibility towards others.No different to the drunk drivers he curses because they caused him to witness all these terrible accidents that have led to his PTSD.

I've done all I can. So has one of his dearest friends who is a PTSD sufferer. He refuses his calls. Because accepting that call will mean he HAS to face the fact that he HAS PTSD.

My truth is that I've been living a lie. Enabling my partner by accepting less than respectful rules to the relationship. Cushioning his blows, taking on HIS consequences to save him embarrassment....constantly treading on eggshells to avoid his rages....accepting his unreasonable view of our relationship where I am the only one who needs to work at it....

I want my best friend back too Cyn....maybe we'll find them again one day. But in the meantime, perhaps we are better off searching for new friendships. Ones who have the courage to face the truth. Ones who RESPECT us.

 

[Tessa]

Dear Horizons,

I am so sorry you are going through this terrible time. I have PTSD and try not to be a burden on my husband.My daughter also has PTSD and,due to her medication,seems to change personalities. We have been through much of what you describe. I am probably more withdrawn and silent but my startle reflex is in overdrive and I know I can get angry very easily.

I know it is hard to do but can you hate the disorder and not him? Somewhere inside this turmoil is the man you knew.

Please take care.
Tessa

 

[horizons]

Hey Tessa, I hate the denial. I love the man. I think the denial has destroyed the man I love. If he were active on this forum, or he spoke to his mate who has PTSD, or visited his doctor, I would be far more tolerant and patient. If he was honest with me I would be more tolerant and patient.
The fact is that he is on his own merry way seeking to find his "true" self. And the dark side of him is winning. Silly me thought persistent "no matter what" unconditional love would help him see the light. All it's done is provided a security blanket he can hide under when he feels like it. No matter what the consequences on me.

 

[Katherine]

Horizons - you have an emense amount of strength in you and it good that you're going to use it to your benefit. I understand, missing your best friend, sex, laughing, intelligent conversations and everything else that comes with a partnership.

Your strength gives me (and everyone on here) strength. You say you feel liek you don't have strength, but sometimes it takes the most strength to know when enough is enough.

Us carers are such giving people that sometimes we loose ourselves. We're not perfect and we're not going to care perfectly and when that happens, it is pointed out to us in often hurtful ways. It should be a relief that no one is perfect, that we can forgive and work to move past problems, but PTSD takes so much from everyone it affects that it just wears you down trying to do everything perfectly.

Best of luck in your continued journey back to your true self.

 

[ISupportHer]

Horizons,

Your pain and frustrations come through loud and clear. Each of us as carers need to make our on decision as to what we want, what we will accept and how long we can hang on. Much of what you wrote in the first post of this thread rings true for many of us at some time. Small consolation when you feel the pain you do.

I won't attempt to give advice. Just support. That any of us will understand and stand behind you no matter what you decide that you need to do.

I also hear that you love him. Sometimes as we ride the roller coaster, we are able to get through low times. I am not saying you SHOULD even do that, just that we all are human and have our limits. I try to just remember that as I go through the hard times.

Obviously we all need to have our limits or boundaries, but even that is hard during the times we are at panic level. Like my reference elsewhere about a book, Depression Fallout, sometimes it gets to the point where it is just too much to bear any more. For all the reasons you give as well as others.

I hope that, at a minimum, just getting it all out by posting, will help you. Knowing that there are others who understand and care.

:Hug_emoticon:

ISH

 

[Tessa]

Sorry......

 

[Cin]

I hope you're doing ok today, Horizons.

 

[horizons]

This is so damn hard. I know it's very early days and I should expect to grieve. I just can't give up altogether and I frustrate myself with that...I keep wondering where the man is who said he wanted to marry me, the man who threw himself into our business with such passion...the man who wrote me love letters and held me close at night...the man who cried when he was hurt by others....the man who entered the psychologist's office with me 10 months ago, determined to heal....the man who was excited because our dreams were coming to fruition...

Why does he CHOOSE to remain this distant, angry, confused person in turmoil? Why would he not call his friend who has PTSD as well and who has been through all this but found a way through to managing it? That friend can relate to what he is feeling, yet he REFUSES to return his calls. Was all the love we had just some kind of illusion? He told me he did not want to be the person he's become. Then why keep blaming me for his anger? Why distance from me instead of adding one trauma on top of another in his work?

I know one part of him has distanced so he won't hurt me, but why doesn't he try distancing himself from his work for a bit instead? Or at least talk to his friend who has been through all this?

Why does he CHOOSE to allow the PTSD to control him. Why abandon our relationship when his biggest issue has been abandonment. Why lie and tell me he was on medication when he had taken himself off the medication?

Big breath. I deserve commitment. I deserve to have someone I can trust to be honest with me. I deserve respect....his PTSD doesn't mean he can't give me those things, he has a CHOICE to actively seek help, manage his symptoms and have a relationship based on mutual respect......

Thanks for the venting opportunity....don't know what I'd do without everyone here....especially "tough" (logical) ones like Nicolette !! Thanks so much.