Sexual Assault Can't Seem To Break Free

[canucklady]

This was posted elsewhere...but though I'd post it here as well. I am glad I found this forum.

I haven't been with my ex-bf in years, yet he still haunts me most days. Not sure when it will all end.

I don't even know how it all began. He was so different in the beginning. But once we moved in together, he was jealous and didn't like any of my friends. First we starting just arguing, and he would throw things. Then one time he pushed me. I tried to leave him that first time, but he promised he wouldn't do it again. I believed him. He didn't for awhile. Then one day while we were out, an school friend who happened to be male came up to give me a hug and we were talking. He was so mad once we got home alone. He said I was flirting. Next thing I knew he hit me and I was bleeding. I tried to leave again, he wouldn't let me. Then he apologized again, and this would be the cycle for 2 1/2 years.

Everyone warned me about him, told me to leave him, but they didn't see his sweet side. I defended him all the time. I lost alot of my friends because of this, they couldn't stand to see me being hurt. Towards the end, I was a mess. I was walking on egg shells, not knowing what would set him off. He had control of my money and he was spending it all on drugs and alcohol. When he was drinking, that is when he was the most unpredictable. He would come home demanding sex, I would say no, and by the end, I was giving in just to stop him from hurting me. I guess I am just realizing now, that I was r-p-d many times. Too many times.

Every time we broke up, he would apologize or threaten to kill himself or he would threaten to hurt my family if I didn't do what he said. He knew just what to say to get me to come back. The day I finally decided to leave, he was out of town on business for 1 week. I packed up everything and moved out. Left him a note and thought that was the end of it.

It wasn't. Although he didn't know where I lived, he know where I worked and waited in front of where I worked. Left messages on my car. Called my friends to see if they knew where I was. Threatened them. I was afraid to go to police, he said if I ever did that he would hurt my family, and I believed him then.

I didn't notice he was following me home. One night I was home, heard my door opening to bedroom. I saw him standing there, he said he just wanted to talk. He was drunk. I could smell it. I told him to get out, and he came after me. I managed to get to front door, but he caught up to me and dragged me back to living room. He had a gun. He hit me hard, and I blacked out, when I came to he was on top of me. Then he asked me where money and booze was. I told him I didn't have any booze. He kept saying if he couldn't have me, no one would have me. It took awhile for him to leave, he was angry because I couldn't stop crying. He said I was asking for it and was my own fault. I blacked out again then. I am not sure what happened next. Next thing I remember was I was in my bed bleeding, and he was gone.

That was on Nov 11, 1999. It will be 11 yrs this year. I have just been diagnosed with complex PTSD. This due to breaking down at work one day, just crying for absolutely no apparent reason. Job burnout . I had been working 70 hr weeks, just to keep my mind busy I guess. Flashbacks and nightmares are awful and it has just been this year that I am remembering bits and pieces of that night. I haven't been able to work full time for 3 yrs due to severe depression, and am suicidal on many occasions.

Feel like he won, he said if he couldnt have me no one would...and he was so so right.

 

[anthony]

Feel like he won, he said if he couldnt have me no one would...and he was so so right.

You can change that through your own thinking and putting those thoughts into action. He doesn't control you beyond what you allow him too now. That is your reality, and you must make the choice to change this. You are here, so you are making the right choices slowly, and that is all anyone can ask. It is a process to change, it doesn't just happen, but please don't continually beat yourself up over your past, learn from it to become a better person.

 

[canucklady]

Thanks Anthony. I know you are right. And some days I feel OK. It is just this time of year that everything seems more bleak. These nightmares and flashbacks seem like they have a hold on me when I am most tired and then it becomes a vicious circle. Am tired, so I get nightmares/flashbacks, but then I can't sleep because I get nightmares and on and on it goes.

I think the meds I was taking have stopped working. I have appt with doctor on Tuesday, not sure I can explain how exactly I am feeling. Alot of days feel like I am numb and am watching myself from other side of room. Sounds crazy doesn't it?

I have a pretty good psychologist who helps alot, but she is expensive and can't see her that often. I had a good psychiatrist but she if off work for her own family emergency until next year. :( Just somedays can't seem to catch a break.

Lately I just can't seem to get out of bed.

 

[krystina]

Anthony is right! I got rid of my boyfriend when he was touching me in areas I had specifically told him not to touch "forbidden areas" and he didn't listen. I know it is a lot better situation than you were in, but I broke up with him through texting and that was that. At least I thought so. He asked me to go to homecoming with him, I told him he was crazy and he said that he thought I had gotten over it. What a dumb a**

 

[Kristin M]

I was just diagnosed with PTSD as well. 4 years ago, I left an abusive marriage. The worst part of the relationship, aside from the emotional and physical abuse, was the sexual abuse. He would meet people on line, set up meetings, without my knowledge. Tell me we were going out, get me drunk, and then watch men have their way with me as I lay there in an intoxicated fog. Alot of it I don't remember due to the blackouts or I've just suppressed it. But like you, I threw myself into work 24/7, and then a few months ago, I decided I was ready to have a life. Cut back on my hours, re aquainted with old friends, thought this was the best time of my life. And now, I can't concentrate, my heart feels like its jumping out of my chest, my hands and feet perspire like crazy. I thought I was going through menopause, so I went to the doctor. She said it wasn't menopause, that I have avoided those memories for so many years and now that I have time to think, they are starting to surface, and I am panicking. So now starts the process of healing and I don't really know how to begin, therapy I guess. Hang in there and let me know what works for you.

 

[cherryblossom]

Hello Canuck Lady,

Welcome to the forum. Firstly, I'm sorry to hear all that has happened to you, but I'm also glad that you found this site. So, welcome:).

As you are probably aware, throwing yourself into work is a pretty common 'symptom' of PTSD. Going from working 70 hours per week to not working at all must be a very hard adjustment. I also understand the whole cycle of nightmares and flashbacks. The only way to solve these is to come to terms with the abuse, and accept it as part of your past. You cannot change the past, but you can change how you feel about the past. Talk about the abuse either here or with your T. Write about the abuse, again either here, or privately. Read and re-read what you have written. It's not easy, but eventually the words will have less of a negative impact on you. Medication can only help to a certain degree, and yes, eventually the efficacy of medications might decrease. But over all medications will not solve your issues. Talking therapy, trauma therapy, CBT, and exposure therapy, and possibly EMDR, all will help you.

You don't say how long you have been 'in therapy'? If you have been with the same therapist since your diagnosis of depression 3 years ago, I suggest you find a new therapist. Also if you don't see your therapist very often, I suggest you try to find one that you can see at least once a week, who is a specialised trauma therapist.

As for not being able to get out of bed most days, you need to push yourself. I know it's hard, but try to set yourself small, achievable goals. Force yourself out of bed and into the shower, or bath. Pamper yourself with luxurious smelling bath salts, or candles. Give yourself a manicure, go for a short walk, listen to your favourite music, smile at yourself in the mirror, clean one room in your home, call a friend and arrange to go out for coffee, cook yourslef something nice to eat, watch a dvd, etc,etc. All small simple things that will enrich your day :p

I'll leave it there for now
Take care of yourself :hug:

 

[cherryblossom]

Hello Kristin
Welcome to the forum. Therapy sounds like a great place to begin. Also you have found us, so feel free to post whatever you need to and ask any questions you may have
Take care :hug:

 

[canucklady]

I am in therapy, have been for 7 years now. However when I started therapy it was from burning out at work and depression. I never made connection between what happened with ex-bf and total breakdown 3 years later. My therapist didn't know about my past history, and I didn't bother bringing it up, because was in denial/avoidance mode I guess.

It wasnt until a few years later, that was able to admit what happened with ex. Then told her some other stuff that happened when was younger. That is when she and psychiatrist said I probably have complex ptsd and that they were amazed at how well I am actually coping, considering it all.

I was making some progress with psychiatrist who specialized in trauma, but then she had to take time off herself for family emergency. It was supposed to be only 2 months, but has now been extended until spring 2011. There are very few psychiatrists that specialize in trauma like she does, and the one that is taking on her workload has long waiting list. So am waiting for spring and in meantime seeing psychologist, who is good too and but can't really afford to see her every week.

So am writing here and trying to figure out what my next move is going to be. I can feel myself sliding down the dark hole of depression again, but am trying to fight it this time.