Cant Seem To Develop Relationships Anymore

[Jon]

Hello im 23, still a bit new to the forum so let me know if im breakin any etiquette. I have some bad PTSD thats going somewhat untreated. I have done therapy before which entailed some eye movement thing; it wasnt that effective for it was also part of drug treatment (Such institutions tend to de-emphasize any other mental illness's unless someone who is actually APA certified says otherwise).

I have never been a social person, and part of my journey into figuring out who I was as a man was pretty badly interrupted by drugs, the law, bad people that wanted to hurt me, etc. I had a few suicide attempts a few years ago and I feel alot of guilt and shame for it because it affected everyone around me.

I really tried bein a regular college kid, but people with problems of their own could not keep it to themselves. A deranged student that lied about his sexuality wanted to be my friend. He was soo deranged that he felt that it was worth sacrificing his own dignity to make a pass at me, he was on a cocktail of drugs that he himself could not handle, he assaulted me when I said no. I would have ran, but this situation would have put me in jail for a long time for I was pending arraignment. So at first I tried to calm him down, but I ended up having to protect myself from his frantic attacks for several hours. I finally gave up and ran out covered in blood; a roommate gave me a ride to the health department. They took me to a hospital, but was treated like a criminal; I had no right to refuse treatment.

Somehow the other person became more victimized in this scenario and I got kicked out of a very nice school in the process. My parents started to alienate me because they thought I was a homosexual, I started getting episodic and lost my mind.

I no longer live in that area now due to the guilt and shame, I come back once in a while for the holidays and usually get pointed as "the one who lost his mind and got raped". Only half of that was true, but it didnt matter since I didnt have to live there anymore.

My rehab center was in California and I decided to stay there for 1yr and 3 months of treatment was plenty of time for me to ge to know the area (as little as I was allowed to leave). I ended up with a job at a movie theater (my first one), and I eventually moved in with 3 other roommates. Everything was great, I was gettin into music again, I had more confidence around women; it felt like what my young life should have been.

I lost that job due to a manipulative situation with some female co-workers (totally not used to that, but figurin out that workplaces are warzones); it ended with extortion because one of my managers knew that I got panic attacks and wanted me to quit by insulting me charmingly and diplomatically, making me do rediculous work, and discriminating against me by talking to me in dog tones. I wouldve wrote my name on a chalk board with his teeth to teach kids english in Libera if I didnt know any better.

My living situation was ok until my relative living out here decided to arbitrate social scenarios for me because to her I was still a mentally ill person (she had and still has alot of spite about my drug history). The roommates started to gang up on me a little more than usual over stupid food and money issues, eventually it became abusive and I had to move out. I moved into the same area and tried to get a DJ career started which worked out pretty well in the beginning, but over time my boss found it necessary to humiliate me pretty badly with a girl I knew at a prominent gig due to some personal issues he had with me (the kind of people that act super nice until the day they decide to screw you over; then they just turn into Hitler). I lost my temper for both of these.

Im not good at asserting myself in these situations because as far as I know, im a piece of shit and I deserved to be punished for everything ive done wrong (exaggeration, but yea I dont have too much pride). But if I live with that pretense in front of me forever, I will never be able to thrive. Being a sufferer, I found that I had to truly understand pity like it was a science.

Some people are not comfortable with the gloomy becoming happy one day. And for me, it seems like everytime I want my life back; someone wants to take it away from me because its making me happy. Maybe its cus their not happy, but its no excuse to be unjust. And more than anything, people make me happy. I just dont know where to find people....

I dont trust anyone anymore, just cant figure out why, after all of that, I have to go through more hardship when everyone else can just be happy with their friends like it was law for everyone to have friends. Facebook is a nightmare for stuff like this when I try to reach out about it; I ended up being more ostracized then supported and im trying to build a support group while defending myself against people that might have a problem with me (DJ career stuff, their all friggin kids anyways lol).

Ive tried goin out to clubs and stuff, I dont really feel comfortable there unless im playing records; not that im too cool for anyone, im just kind of a nerd. Music is a horrible hobby for a social life too in case anyone reccomends that to be a solution to anti social life; people are wayyyyy too competitive. I figured that if I can get good enough to be famous, I will never have to worry about my social life, my PTSD, or my panic attacks. Im growing out of that now; but im still trying to learn the ways of society while trying to lead it.

Im just doin everything im supposed to be doin, goin to school, trying to find work, investing time into my dreams. Problem is that I feel like I have to do it all alone. I know its not fact that im reclusive; but ive felt that way alot ever since these events started happening to me. How do most people sufferring from PTSD build their confidence back enough to feel like they could survive in society and its unpredictability? I feel like ive tried everything.

 

[Muzikluvr]

Hi Jon :) Your story hits home in several ways for me. I wish I could answer your question at the bottom, but honestly, I don't go out too much.

One part that strikes me though, is that you don't trust anyone... and neither do I. But, I think my life has gotten better since beginning to trust myself. After piecing together what happened to me, and most of it was social ostracizing, shunning from family, slander from rapists... I went through a lot of emotions and rationalizing, and finally my anger made more sense and it became useful. I used it to keep my family away from me. I used it to keep myself from becoming dependent on others.

But, my point is that after viewing my experiences "properly", and accepting blame where I was an idiot, IMO, and placing blame on others where appropriate; then I began to trust my judgment more. I don't EVER want to be victimized again. That is my primary goal in life. So, I don't take stupid chances anymore. I am skeptical of everyone, but I trust that I won't panic when they start "ganging" up on me. I trust that I will be able to defend myself with my words, my intention... the truth. I trust that despite the fact that the truth didn't ring true in my past, that it will now because I no longer believe that it matters what anyone else thinks. People don't have to 'believe' the truth, in order for it to be true. So, I will rest on that rock when the storm of slander comes my way. Having that ground under me has helped stabilize my social skills.

I hear a lot of instances in your story where people are turning away from you. In my recovery, I discovered many reasons why people did that to me. Most humiliating was that I often turned my back on them first. I didn't side with them. I was sarcastic. I took the opposing side in every argument... playing devil's advocate to every discussion. Basically, my beliefs allowed for anything to happen. Anything. I couldn't rely on the same code of ethics that others believed because I wasn't raised to believe they applied to me. I knew them, but it was all BS, since my family didn't believe me when I told them I was being victimized. They didn't say I was homosexual because of being raped, they said that I liked being raped. ! :eek: Ridiculous. :cry:

It's very difficult to trust in social circles when one can be taken advantage of in such a way and then be ostracized for it. I think that you need to be here. You need to write it out and get responses, and figure out who to trust and who not to trust. Come up with a set of qualities you look for in others to see they are trustworthy people. Figure out how you can distance yourself from bullies, without drawing their attention. Align yourself with people who defend others, by being someone who defends others. This can be done quietly, without a lot of hoopla. Usually it is an exercise in telling the truth as you saw it. Don't become involved with people who pull you aside to backbite others.

I guess that's some of what I learned through examining my life. I still isolate myself, but when I'm in public, I trust more. I believe in a code of ethics, and trust that I won't knowingly risk my safety. That helps with the panic. Good luck, Jon. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

 

[Jon]

Its all good, im glad that im not the only one havin similar experiences. I try to make my anger an asset, but I usually scare someone to death in the process. I feel like some people know how weak I am emotionally, and do their best to provoke my anger in an attempt to make me look bad around other people. Cant really avoid the affects of shouting my lungs out at someone for trying to steal a homework project from me or somethin (lucky guy he is). What sucks is that those outbursts are usually followed with severe panic attacks, im usually just found sitting around afterwards tryin to catch my breath; I rarely want to be around people when im feeling that way.

I recently pulled a large wrench on my dad because he threatened to beat me up for being unGodly yesterday; I watched Mission Impossible 4, then came home and told my dad that his anger would get him murdered one day. He got scared, I had a physical reaction to my own anger; I dont care if hes scared. I just wanted him to understand how much he doesnt know. I take a 5-HTP supplement and go through a gratitude list; usually helps me alot!

I feel ya on being assertive, because I used to get justifiably angry about things and people used to make me feel guilty for wanting my dignity. I major in philosophy and listen to lectures on the subject of ethics every other day. That helped me with the confidence of knowing right from wrong; communicating that ethical understanding is a different story. What gets implied by those observing is "who are you to say that?". I respond to that by trying my best to maintain self respect and practice what I preach (pragmatism).

What sucks is that most people arent looking to learn anything in these moral assertions, they just wanna win or piss you off immensely for making them feel stupid. I try my best, im glad I dont sleep with passed out women at clubs because I know its wrong. Others will say its wrong or right depending on the weather; I feel sorry for the morally underdeveloped or bankrupt. These people can be dangerous to our emotional vulnerabilities but im also trying to not see them as enemies but as ignorant people. I dont think its right to use a human being as a means to someones self interested goals. Thats a wound I can relate to.

In social situations I tend to feel like I am the burden. I feel creepy talking to women because I get nervous, I dress confident and get in to these encounters where a few awkward words are passed around but usually nothing more. I got into the habit of closing the conversation myself before the other party can close the conversation with any possible insincerity; it doesnt give me friends but it makes me feel worthy enough to talk to people if im happy (which most of the time I am not). This feeling of not belonging stems from my experiences with my assaults and how I was treated. Literally like I was a warm turd in a comfortable living room, I felt disgusting. Not everyone will understand where all my pride went right off the bat. I just try to let people know that if they do talk to me, ill be a nice guy. A bad social scenario usually ends in a panic attack and a period of depression/ isolation.

I too cant get over some of the things that were said or implied to me post trauma. Its a dark side of people, for alienation/otracism/exile is almot like an instinct directed at those who have lost something. It feels medieval to alienate someone for being raped, but even in modern times, society plays by those ignorant rules of blaming the victim. It will always be about having power over another.

Bottom line, if people can make my brain and body go out of control like that, then who needs people? Ive never had a close relationship, and feel almost hopeless with that. But I will try looking for intelligable qualities in people in the near future, but at the same time not expect much because sometimes 2cents is just too much to give. I do know im getting better though with time and experience, I trust too much so ill probably hold off on that for a while with sincerity if possible. Its also important for me to feed myself information too, sites like this help alot; I also like to complain to Google about why people are narcissists, backstabbers, etc. and end up getting some pretty infomative search results.

Thank you for sharing your input, very helpful :)