Had a bad night, little sleep and today just feels like a constant downer. He didn't come home for Christmas and now it looks like he won't see me for New Year celebrations either.
He is the one who shouts he is the victim of abandonment, mistrust, emotional abuse and alienation by parents who were supposed to love him. Then why when he is triggered by a car accident, does he display his abusers' actions to me?
He is 50 years old, said he always wanted to find someone who he could trust unconditionally - over 8 years I've been there with him through so many dramas and issues, there is nothing else I can do to prove I love him.
No communication at all, christmas with his x-wife..and still i think of him the morning I left for work, a loving hug and an "I love you". Was it all just a game to him? Were all those actions of love just a facade? It just seems incomprehensible to me that he can cut off emotions like this.He is fine with his friends, they've told me there seems to be nothing wrong with him.
This "in between", the unknown, the hanging on, the waiting, the wondering, the hurt,the rejection, the unrelenting questions in my head about WHY, the lack of any logic, his ignorance of my pleas for explanation unanswered. Today I just can't cope. It's new years eve today. A new year. I need clarity. And no matter how many times I read posts here I can't seem to grasp it. :-( On the one hand I know the incident he attended triggered him. On the other hand he spent time with his x-wife (who I know has always expected him to come back and who he would not divorce) on christmas day while ignoring me.
Just want the hurt to go away...
He is the one who shouts he is the victim of abandonment, mistrust, emotional abuse and alienation by parents who were supposed to love him. Then why when he is triggered by a car accident, does he display his abusers' actions to me?
He is 50 years old, said he always wanted to find someone who he could trust unconditionally - over 8 years I've been there with him through so many dramas and issues, there is nothing else I can do to prove I love him.
No communication at all, christmas with his x-wife..and still i think of him the morning I left for work, a loving hug and an "I love you". Was it all just a game to him? Were all those actions of love just a facade? It just seems incomprehensible to me that he can cut off emotions like this.He is fine with his friends, they've told me there seems to be nothing wrong with him.
This "in between", the unknown, the hanging on, the waiting, the wondering, the hurt,the rejection, the unrelenting questions in my head about WHY, the lack of any logic, his ignorance of my pleas for explanation unanswered. Today I just can't cope. It's new years eve today. A new year. I need clarity. And no matter how many times I read posts here I can't seem to grasp it. :-( On the one hand I know the incident he attended triggered him. On the other hand he spent time with his x-wife (who I know has always expected him to come back and who he would not divorce) on christmas day while ignoring me.
Just want the hurt to go away...
