Childhood Can't Tell If These Memories Are Real?

[bonanno]

Hey. Sorry this is long! I'm going to start from the beginning. When I was around six, this teenage boy around thirteen-sixteen years old brought me into a room and he told me we were 'playing a game.' He proceeded to dry hump me and I believe he was also touching me sexually but my clothes were never taken off. Keep in mind I remember what room in their house this happened in and it was upstairs. His room was upstairs at the time. When I first remembered, it was quite upsetting, I still feel like I'm overreacting but growing up I've had a lot of issues that I can't deny... I kind of just forgot it happened, but I recall when I was around ten years old I was searching up stories about being raped and molested and whatnot, but yet at the time I didn't know that happened. Maybe subconsciously I did but not directly.

It's been months of me avoided it as a problem but my depression has worsened since. I have a bad home life so I can't even turn to my mom(she knows it happened, just isn't supportive. We spoke about it once and she ignores me when I bring it up now), but when I asked her if it could've happened more than once she didn't deny it. I told my mom when I was a kid the same night it happened but nothing was done. Maybe I thought it was okay after that.

A few weeks ago I was drifting off and had almost like a flash of something in my mind. It didn't look real and I couldn't make it out clearly but for some reason it really came out as a basement room to me, it was dark, but I ignored it. Dream maybe? It's been weeks now still and words pop up in my mind unexpectedly like 'dark' and 'basement', and even though I can sleep in the dark fine I still feel paranoid. I always think there's someone standing there... whenever I think of what happened I get this weird feeling everywhere. Like absolute confusion, I feel so confused with myself and my heart pounds hard and even though I can control it it is an unpleasant feeling. Typing this now is making my heart pump and I feel numb.

Here's what I'm getting at now. Last night I suddenly recalled being told by him 'let's play a game' often. I heard it more than once from him but I don't know what 'games' we played, we hung out when we would visit them(family friends), and I remember he always wanted me to go off alone with him. I also remembered when I got a bit older, maybe around 8 or 9, we were visiting and I was scared of him and stuck with my mom a lot. I've known him starting at 4. My mom told me she saw photos of little toddlers and children in bikinis or naked in his room and he sexually abused his sister. Every time I closed my eyes last night I swear something new would pop up. I think I remember being in a dark room, I was against the wall and I was being touched, it's all dark and I can't make out anything but it doesn't feel real but it does. It feels like a dream, but a familiar dream. It turns out his room was moved downstairs ('basement') and I swear that's where I remember something happening.

When I told my mom it happened that night I said '______ was on top of me.' My sister was there and confirmed it too.

My mom told me she remembers me telling her '_____ had me on the wall.'

Coincidence??

What do I do? I feel like I can't trust my own memories or whatever. I feel like I thought about it so much it made false memories and I can't tell real from fake. How common are false memories and how possible is it this could've happened for a while? I feel like I can't believe it... help? I don't want to make more problems for myself but I can't help but wonder because I've had such problems growing up it would take a while to name them. Sorry this is so long.

 

[OtaBunny]

Hey. Sorry this is long! I'm going to start from the beginning. When I was around six, this teenage bo...

Hey, sorry if mine is long too..I have a similar experience with memory trouble..I'm new here and I'm not sure how to post, but I need help. Maybe we could help eachother? My abuse started when I was very young. When I was around 4ish, my now step-sister, (we grew up together), finally let me play with her. I looked up to her, even though she was getting me to take things or lie, and she constantly physically abused me. One day, when she finally let me play with her, she said that we were going to play a game called "cheater". I said okay, not knowing what it was. She then made me hug a stuffed animal like it was my husband, or I was a mommy and it was a daddy. She then made me lie down on the bed next to her and kiss her. I told her it didn't sound right, or okay, but she kept guilt tripping me and convincing me. I really wanted her to be happy with me, so I stopped pushing her away. She would hold my hips and shove her to tongue in my mouth and French kiss me. It still felt wrong. Eventually she got frustrated with me and made me leave. A few days later, she convinced me to go into the closet with her. She took off my shirt and would bite me. I told her it hurt but she didn't care. She made me do the same thing, and she threatened me if I didn't comply immediately. I did it..And I'm still scared of her today after all the things that have happened between us being children and now.

Over my elementary years I've been tricked by boys into showing them my privates, or kissing them. I've also gone through SERIOUS bullying. I remember going to my Aunt's house a lot, wherever her latest apartment was, and I never acknowledged she was a slut and a druggie. She was always my best friend...It seemed like she had a new boyfriend. The first was a juggalo drug dealer. The second was a transvestite, also into drugs. The third had bad teeth, was abusive, and a theif. He always climbed under the blankets to cuddle me while my aunt was there. When she wasn't, he'd ignore me. After a bad break up, she then started dating this man named Dean. He seemed awesome, funny, a really cool guy. I liked him, only having met him while I was spending the night at her new apartment. That night she had 3 guys I didn't know over, including Dean whom I'd just met. I think I was about 7 at the time. We all played Call Off Duty until it was late, and I went in the bedroom and watched a movie with my aunt and fell asleep.... Here's where I start having trouble. My aunt, she always called me "Babygirl". That's it, that was her nickname for me and I loved it. She's never to this day called me anything else besides my real name and Babygirl. That night, I think I had a nightmare. It's so hard to remember, but what I remember is many male voices. I couldn't understand them, it was confusing. I felt strange tickles all over my body, and it felt like hands were all over me. It was cold, and I felt wet things, and also like I was being grabbed. After I felt something strange and weird go inside my lower area, I say up awake. I heard hushed curses, and I distinctly remember people putting my panties back on and my nightshirt, and someone saying "Go back to bed Sweetheart"

The next day my mom came to pick me up, and was raging and screaming because 3 men she didn't know were sleeping on the floor around the matress I was on..The closest was Dean.

Now I've blocked it out for a long time...I knew I was scared of Dean, but I couldn't remember why. He now has a daughter with my aunt. That baby is beautiful...It wasn't until a few months ago that my memories were triggered. It was revealed that Dean was a registered sex offender for molesting his 10 mentally disabled sister. In present day he is still living there, but he's become cruel. He screams at my aunt while my cousin is right there crying..

There's nothing I can do for her and it hurts so much...My name was her first word.

I haven't told anyone about my assault...I can't remember myself if it really happened due to so much repression. I'm not sure what to do...Or if it was real.

I have a lot of issues present day, including Anxiety, Depression, Anger Issues, and even Detachment..Sometimes I don't know what kind of world I'm in, or I what I'm seeing is real, or if..I'm..Real....It's really hard to talk about this, but I've been so quiet, and I need help..Im not sure what to do.

 

[Finchlet2]

I only found the courage to tell someone about the abuse I suffered growing up when my daughter was placed by social services with the two people who arranged for me to be tortured in the first place. My son was poorly so I was staying with him and i had no one else.

So I found the bravery to speak up for my daughter not for myself. I won't pretend it was easy, half my h ubbys family still Bitch about me and exclude me somehow I've gone from being one families dirty secret to another's and the situation with my daughter is still not sorted and since things are out in the open being intimate with my hubby has got harder and harder. I guess because i'm not running from the trauma anymore its consumed the sexual front I'd been putting up but there have been positives to opening up.

Having total honesty and transparency I've made peace with myself and what I stand for and i won't give up u ntill i know my daughter is completely safe from those c*nts.

I hope you find a way to help your cousin whether though speaking up or just being there for her to talk to. We are safe now but every child should be protected from abuse.

 

[IceKween]

I have such a hard time with this too. I have flashbacks but I wonder if maybe they are flashbacks of dreams I had when I was little. But these are things a child that age wouldn't normally have any idea about, so how would they dream about something like that? Very explicit and clear as day.

 

[MoonGoddessHeart]

Your memories are real.