Career Change... But To What?

[Molksky]

I had a career in government for over 10 years, since before I was diagnosed with PTSD - although I have probably had PTSD for longer than I realized due to childhood abuse and a rape in my mid-twenties. I was a health inspector, and I found that while I enjoyed the feeling of helping others, being in a regulatory, law enforcement role would trigger me. Just being in conflict with others. I was either dealing with tax payers complaining about public health issues, or trying to get compliance from business owners and residents. I also struggled with lack of motivation and focus with the admin side of things. I never lost my job, but after the initial rush of getting the job I really had to push myself. Every day was a struggle to get out of bed, as though someone had poured concrete over me in my sleep. I was often late, and then felt ashamed and guilty every day and would try and compensate by working extra hard. I would feel incredible fatigue at my desk and my mind would wander. My heart would race when the phone rang and I would jump especially if someone interrupted my concentration by coming to my desk and talking to me. No one knew any of this, it was all hidden. I always got great feedback from my boss, except for my occasional lateness.
To me my job has always held me together - it was somewhere to go each day where I had a purpose. A reason to get up in the morning and it paid well too. Right now I am not working, and haven't worked for over a year because I immigrated to a new country to be with my husband. I am still waiting for a work permit to be approved. I figured this is the time to really sit back and think about what I want for my future career. What am I willing to put up with? Can I improve myself so I can handle having my health inspector career for another 30 years?

Part of me is more interested in becoming a social worker, or something similar. I feel like I would really make a difference in peoples lives, people who have suffered through similar things perhaps, including children. However I am worried that even though my intentions are good, it might just trigger me more...? I would need to go back to university either way, as my country doesn't recognize my international qualifications.

After reading some of the very helpful posts on this forum, I realized also that maybe I'm just pushing myself too hard, and that to be happier in the long term I need to take a step back, or a step down even, to find a job that I can go the distance in. I was reasonably happy in my last job (although hiding my PTSD), and I had even told myself, this is it! Whatever you do, just stay here, do your job as best you can, and you will be safe. But then I moved to be with my husband (totally worthwhile for me emotionally) and I feel adrift. I am terrified of making the wrong decision, and wasting years and money going back to school only to be unhappy or feeling like a failure.

 

[Molksky]

Hi, Molksky here again, just wanted you to know I am no longer a guest and have registered on your forum :)

 

[anonymous]

Find something that interests you yet has a lesser chance of triggering you. I worry that while social work may interest you, it has a higher likelihood of triggering you than other careers. Its definitely something to consider from all angles given that it will take much time to acquire additional education not to mention the financial cost.

 

[Molksky]

Thanks for your reply anonymous, and I tend to agree with you. Sometimes I have also wondered if my "helper" nature is sometimes related to unresolved past guilt for not being able to and failing to protect my younger siblings... and trying to prove that I'm worthy. I would hate to project my own issues onto others. When I'm allowed to work again, I'm thinking of maybe signing up to a recruitment agency for office temping of something like that so I can try out a few different types of office environments and diversify my administrative skills. Even though I find office work boring so far. Maybe I could be a PA, helping in a different kind of way that is not so emotionally involved. It would definitely depend on who I worked for though.

 

[Friday]

I would suggest volunteering, as well, in order to get a taste of what different fields can offer.

 

[BlueOrange]

Twelve years ago, I swore I would never work in IT again. Seven years ago, I got a job at an IT company (in an IT role) where I had worked fifteen years ago. For the five years in between, I experimented with working in healthcare, and doing some very low-prestige work that I found surprisingly satisfying and rewarding. Those five years gave me a perspective that I would never have gained any other way, and I think they make me a much better IT worker than people who haven't had significant experience doing something else.

Following your heart doesn't stop you from making mistakes, but I think it does make it much easier to learn from them.

 

[Molksky]

Thank you Blue Orange for your reply, what you say is true!! :) While travelling when I was younger I also did other jobs that I found rewarding that weren't part of my career. I have been a maid, house cleaner, office cleaner, and even a nightclub cleaner. These jobs I found satisfying because they were physical and time passed more quickly, my mind didn't have to focus in the same way, and the result of my work was visible! I would go home with a sense of achievement. But.... although I am not too proud to do this again, I really do have higher financial aspirations for myself to feel like I can adequately support my family as my partner is not a high earner either. Also, the physicality of the job does take its toll over the years.
As for making mistakes, I guess I just worry more now than I used to! When I was younger I would take risks, go travelling and find jobs overseas etc. Now that I am in my mid-thirties, married, and still undecided if and when to start a family... I just feel that my window for making mistakes right now is very small indeed.

 

[joyfulgirl]

@Molksky I can relate a lot to what you're going through.

I was a social worker for the last ten years, and in a management role for the last year and a half. One important thing I learned when working in the helping professions is never underestimate the value in having your own personal stuff in order; I often found it was so much easier to help others, but I wasn't very good at practicing what I preached! I was good at my job but I sometimes felt like a fraud because my own life was such a mess. Over time, I'm sure it took its toll on how I did my job too. I left my job 3 months ago. The stress of being a department head became too much for me and my former company was going through a major restructuring. I burned out big time.

I do think many of us who have had our own personal struggles in life are drawn to helping profession type jobs; and that can be a really good thing. Just try to work on yourself as much as you can to be able to have a healthy balance in your life--I sucked at keeping things in balance which undoubtedly primed me for work burn-out. I recently started a new job in a totally different line of work. Its been quite a culture shock for me so far and the irony is, I find myself bored now lol. I'm going through a lot personally lately too and I sometimes wish for the constant busy-ness and distractions that my old job gave me. But, I also realize that I hid in my old job...it wasn't until I left a few months ago that I was faced with a lot of unfinished personal business. Its been very trying but I do believe it is necessary for me to heal myself.

Volunteering might be a good option for you to explore too. I hear you on being concerned about making a career mistake (oh, do I ever hear you!), but another thing I'm learning right now is to be kind to myself and believe in the process. I'm in my early 40's and never thought I'd be starting completely over at this point. I knew I needed to make a change and while its scary and I am second guessing myself at times, I believe I'm supposed to go through this right now in order to work through the stuff I ignored for years because I was "too busy" with my former career to deal with.

Try not to focus on fears of making mistakes. Nothing is a mistake if you can find the lesson it has to teach you.

 

[Molksky]

Thank you joyful girl, I found your response really helpful!!! :) everything you sai d made a LOT of sense to me. Especially about having your own issues sorted. I don't know... I'm not sure that I am passionate enough about SW to go back to school for 3 or more years on the risk that it will be too much for me... Also, I am planning/hoping to start a family in the next few years and I've been thinking about the impact of having such an emotionally demanding job would have on my ability to be available to my future kids (and husband too!), especially when first starting out and trying to learn everything.

My old EH job did have a lot of variety, and freedom as well, such as being able to get out of the office every day when doing site visits or inspections. It was nice that I could schedule my own appointments or take a scenic route if I needed time to de-stress. Even if I found some of the actual inspections difficult to handle, I mean NOBODY looked forward to seeing an inspector walk in their door! And even though I had the "law on paper" to back me up, I found it difficult to assert myself at times, and demand what was required without giving in to people bargaining for more time, or to give them another chance etc... my natural "helper" personality worked against me because I felt sorry for them and wanted to avoid yet another conflict. Of course we would have protocols to be followed where I would have no choice but to be strict - and I feared doing this face-to-face with people, especially when they are angry and defending their business and livelihood. I would do it under a lot of stress, but I preferred to write a letter! And then on the other hand you may have members of the public who have raised legitimate complaints about that business, who will demand that there is a "satisfactory" outcome from an investigation regardless of what the legal process is. I guess I'm just saying that sometimes it was hard for me to handle so much conflict coming at me, even though it wasn't personal, it just wore me down over the years.

But then, I try to imagine being at a new office job, sitting at my desk all day and feeling trapped... and that is also difficult for me. I'm not sure what the answer is, but maybe trying a few different things and making some mistakes along the way is the only way I'm going to find out what works best :) we need to find a balance between boredom and stress!

 

[joyfulgirl]

@Molksky I'm glad you found some helpful points and hopefully you gained some insight and stuff to think about. :)

It comes down to what you feel is a priority for you right now. If starting a family is something important to you and you find yourself in a job that competes for your time and attention, then you'll want to put some thought into what you're willing to sacrifice for what is most meaningful to you. I admit, it was very hard for me to walk away from my old job...so much of my self identity was wrapped up in it, plus it was a good paycheck with good benefits. But my sanity is more important to me right now and while its been a scary struggle these past few months, I know I have to work through the issues that have been holding me back most of my life. If I stayed in my previous job, I'd not have this opportunity to heal.

Even if I found some of the actual inspections difficult to handle, I mean NOBODY looked forward to seeing an inspector walk in their door!

Lol....I recall this very vividly, being on the other side of the annual state inspections. Survey time was always a hellish week--I definitely am glad I won't have to go through another one. :P

 

[Molksky]

Do you think you will ever go back to SW at some point in the future joyfulgirl? Or are you making a clean break? Who knows what the future may hold I guess. I hope you find the space and strength you need to heal on your journey, it will surely be worth it. :)

 

[BlueOrange]

Now that I am in my mid-thirties, married, and still undecided if and when to start a family... I just feel that my window for making mistakes right now is very small indeed.

Well, if the current statistics are anything to go by, there's probably 40 years of work (roughly) still to go. I guess it's up to you to decide whether that's a 'large' or 'small' window.