Relationship Carer Looking For Relationship Advice

[Berger90]

Hello there,

I'm hoping you can help put this into perspective. I've been seeing this girl for the past year or so who suffers from PTSD. I don't want to go into much detail because I don't know how to go about this, but she was raped twice as a young teenager. We've talked about it a couple times and that she felt like she couldn't talk to any therapist because she can't trust someone who is getting paid to listen to her issues. That's neither here nor there though, my concern is; we're both out of state college students attending the same university. We're about to graduate and had plans on moving together. Not into the same house or apartment but in the same area so we could continue dating.

We talked about her issues and concerns with that whole situation, and I assured her that I want her to be comfortable with the situation 100%, since she's obviously had really horrific things inflicted on her by the hands of men. With the final weeks closing in on us, she has decided that it's not healthy for her if we did in fact move to the same area, which has me scratching my head. One minute she is completely on board with me on our plans. She talked about getting a puppy together and all these things she wanted to involve me in when we start that new chapter in our lives.

Now though, she doesn't want that. I try my best to understand what she is going through even though I know I can't. I can only be there to support her through her hard times. It's just hard to not think like it's something she is un-happy about in the relationship. I've told her over and over again, that I'm fine with it. It's her decision and I just want to see her happy.

If you can make sense of the ramblings I just posted I could really use some advice. I've never met someone with PTSD, these emotions and actions are not something I'm use to, so please any advice would be good advice.

 

[amethist]

Hi Berger90

Welcome to the forum.

Relationships are tough for sufferers of PTSD at the best of times, but throw in trauma caused by sexual abuse of any kind can be even harder.

Take some time to read the threads and sticky notes in the carers section, then read about relationships in the PTSD section. This will give you a better understanding of how hard this is for your girlfriend. I am not saying relationships cannot be good, just that it is one of the stresses that sufferers sometimes find the hardest to maintain for lots of reasons, as well as one the easiest to let go.

Maybe you could suggest that she has a look on here too, it may well help her to understand more for herself. A Good therapist would not only listen to her issues, but help her to work on how to live a better life with her PTSD.

I hope you can find some of the answers you are looking for on here.

Take care and good luck.

Amethist

 

[Mayhem]

Welcome Aboard Berger90,

I would echo what Amethist has already said. Suggest to her to come look over these pages.

This site and the people here are caring and very non judgmental. Most of these people are either dealing with some form of PTSD or care givers to someone with PTSD.

Sometimes it helps to talk to complete strangers, she wont have to see them face to face, she wont have to spend money. I know in fact that the owner of this site doesn't charge to use this site. I dont think that the owner will mind me saying this, but the owner has PTSD as well. And the owner started this site, to help out both those with PTSD and those that care.

There is no clear cut, if you have PTSD then you have to do A,B,C,D, etc. Think about it like this, as large as our world is, no two people are the same. What doesn't bother some, will bother someone else. So as looking for a quick fix to make things right, it's not going to happen. Rome was not built in a day, and dealing with PTSD will take longer then a day as well.

PTSD does not care if you are male or female, it does not care if you are rich or poor, it does not care what religion you are, it does not care if you are white, black, yellow, red, green, purple, or pink with polka dots. PTSD has but one purpose and one purpose only, and that is to destroy the suffer, and to try and destroy those that care about the suffer. PTSD is a cancer that eats away and destroys from the inside.

From the bit of information that you posted about your girl friend, "One moment she is all for moving into the same town, then the next she doesn't want it." Paraphrased there. She was hurt in the past and doesn't want to get hurt again. Which is completely understandable. I am not saying the you will hurt her, it's not you the person, that she has trouble with. It's that you are male. Not that being male is a bad thing. But it's more of the...male equals bad. Bad feelings, bad emotions.

It could also be that she likes you so much that she doesn't want to drag you down with her. She doesn't want you to see the darker, deeper side of her. She doesn't want to hurt you, like she was hurt.

I am not a doctor, I have no training in the medical field. But I am someone who is living and dealing with My Own PTSD. And someone whom has PTSD has a lot better first hand knowledge of what PTSD is, and how it effects the suffer and those around us.

Again welcome,
Mayhem

 

[Berger90]

Mayhem, I want to thank you so much for what you said.

IT really hit the nail on the head, you said things that she has tried to describe to me, but didnt know how. The whole "it's not you the person, that she has trouble with. It's that you are male. Not that being male is a bad thing. But it's more of the...male equals bad. Bad feelings, bad emotions." I've heard her say things along those lines and I honestly didnt know what to make of it, I always thought it was just her way of writing me off.. but hearing (er reading) it from a stranger really brings it all home that she's just saying things. If that makes any sense.

It certainly hasn't gotten any easier since I last posted. Don't get me wrong our time together was amazing, she's an inspiration to me. She moved back home about 1,000 miles away from where we were going to school at and where I currently live. She wanted to give it a shot because I am moving closer (only about a 3 hour drive) within the next month. The distance though has been rough. Having trust issues etc.. it's been really hard taking what she had to say to heart. Like she actually meant it and wasn't just saying it to say it.

Now that I'm done rambling on I just want to thank you again, you really don't know how much that really brought everything back down to earth for me.

 

[Mayhem]

Link RemovedBerger90,

Your very welcome. Sometimes talking to complete strangers does help.

I don't know you or your girlfriend. So I, as well as others with PTSD can look at what you and she are going though with a fresh set of eyes. We don't know either of you, we take no sides. We have no axe to grind. We are completely impartial. The old saying, "you cant see the forest though the trees" comes to mind. Meaning sometimes you are so close to a problem, you cant see the bigger picture.

I hope that you have a better understanding of what we, those with PTSD, are going though. And I hope that she does get the help that she needs and understands that she isn't alone. Many of us that come here are at different stages in dealing with our PTSD. Some of us are just finding our way. Others are further along and have found things that work for us.

You and she are more then welcome to read My diary. I lay open My life, both the ups and downs as well as things that I have found that work for me. I hope that you read My diary, to get a better understanding. And I hope that she does as well. Not only to understand that she is not alone, but to give her ideas on how to better deal with her own PTSD.

Mayhem