General Carer On Her Way to Motherhood

[Shoka]

Hello everyone,

Just found out this morning that I'm pregnant. I'm very excited about the news as I've wanted to have a child for many years. I'm very independent financially and emotionally and can do this on my own.

Things have been pretty rough in my relationship with my BF. Last week he threatened committing suicide. I called his doctors and they saw him immediately. The intensity of that experience frightened and exhausted me. My stress is at an all time high which can't be good for my pregnancy. Thankfully he is okay and seems to have a much clearer head about him now, but I can't continue to walk on egg shells and expect to have a healthy baby. We are in couples therapy and will be going back tomorrow.

I do not want to force my BF to make a decision about our living arrangements because of this. I'm not even sure I want to expose my child to this stress if he is unable to move into a management stage of PTSD.

Has anyone been pregnant and been a carer at the same time? Anyone have any words of wisdom?

For those who believe in prayers, I could use all of them now.

I'm excited but frightened too.
Shoka

 

[Nicolette]

Hi Shoka

I'm just about to walk out the door but wanted to reply.

Congratulations on your pregnancy:occasion:

From experience pregnancy is an exciting yet frightening time due to all the unknowns let alone adding PTSD to the mix.

Take care and I'll write more later.

 

[Shoka]

Thank you Nicolette!

I've made a doctor's appointment and am prepared for lots of tests considering I'm an "older" mom to be. At 40 the risks are high, forget the stress levels.

 

[Nicolette]

Shoka

I have thought about your situation all day. I have only known of one carer who was pregnant in my time here on the forum and there was not a lot said.

What I will say to you is this. No matter what stress you introduce into your relationship, whether it be good or bad, it will have an impact on your sufferer. Change in itself is a stress as well.

If your boyfriend is already loving and caring I think you will find he will support you in the pregnancy. I am tempted to think if he is having a rough time himself you will get a different response as he struggles with his own issues. You may feel rejected or not as supported as you imagined if he is ill.

Having a baby.... well that's life changing and who knows how he will react. I know Anthony found a lot of comfort in the innocence of his children but the other side of the coin is the change in the adult relationship especially in the early days when you don't get a lot of sleep and are adjusting to a new way of life.

It is one thing to be financially independent and another to be in a situation where you have support. I brought up my son on my own and I can tell you money is not the issue when the baby has been screaming for 2 hours straight and you've tried everything you can to soothe it and attend to its needs.

From what you have written, I can only suggest you truly evaluate your situation and make sure you make decisions which are beneficial for you and the baby as well as your boyfriend. You have not commented on his reaction to the pregnancy. Was it planned as you have stated the relationship has been pretty rough? It doesn't sound like your boyfriend is probably in his best state right now and, while I don't want to say this, you will have to seriously think about what you truly want and also what is best for all concerned.

 

[Shoka]

Nicolette,

The baby is not a surprise, although we'd previously been trying with no luck for almost a year. In a way, it is a surprise as we assumed we'd be heading towards feritility testing due to many negative results. We were going to take a break from trying until the summer so that we could do a few things to sort our lives out. I had an appointment with a doctor to go back on birth control.

Before I met my BF I wanted to be a "Single Mother by Choice" and had spent 5 years researching how to do that. When my BF came along, he said that he would help me with this. Initally, our relationship was a very close friendship and the conversation was that I would be fully responsible for the child and wouldn't ask him for a whole lot. However, as our relationship and our connection deepened, this notion that he wouldn't be involved has changed. 6 months into the relationship he was diagnosed with PTSD. Apparently, the intensity of his feelings for me opened up a 'window' for his PTSD to be released. At that point he promised me he'd go to therapy so that he would heal and learn how to manage his more aggressive behaviors.

His reaction to the pregnancy, IMHO has been a little on the selfish side. It's all about him and I'm a little resentful about that. I'm trying to be patient with his reaction hoping that he'll come around soon and realize I'm the one carrying the baby, ultimately I'm the one with the bulk of the responsibility. I think some of those reactions are typical male behaviors and may be his way of showing that he's excited. He loves children and while he has one grown child, he said he always wanted more.

Last evening he was very exhausted and I could see he was getting more and more frustrated with me and my emotional state. I was tired, feeling scared and acting a little withdrawn. He got a bit aggresive in his behaviors and I said to him "I don't like who you being right now", which did seem to get him to back off from the intensity of the discussion.

We are going to see a counselor today. I don't know what I want with regard to the relationship. It causes me stress and anxiety on a daily basis and I could use a break from all of that whilst I figure out what plan is best for me and baby. He announced last night that "I don't need to see my therapists anymore, I'm going to stop going to them" and I said that if he stopped going to see them I would have to remove myself from our relationship. This is a man who threatened me with killing himself one week ago.

I have a lot to think about. I know that I need to decrease the amount of stress in my life. The last two -three weeks since we came back from our vacation has been very stressful. Including some work stress in my life, and the sudden death of a friend two weeks ago.

My inner strength feels pretty good.

 

[Nicolette]

Thanks for sharing your situation Shoka. I hope the counselling goes well.

 

[Shoka]

A Bit of a Breakthrough

Hello everyone,

Although our joint therapy session last week was an utter disaster, today my sufferer saw his psychiatrist who seemed to really help him with some of his controlling behaviors.

Last evening he was very upset with me for telling a friend of mine about my situation and it turned into a big "to do". I ended up in bed crying until I fell asleep.

Today his therapist explained to him that I need to be able to take care of myself and he can't control that. His therapist talked to him about coping mechanisms and relayed to him that he thought I had some good ones. I think my sufferer heard him and "got it" and it feels like a break through to me.

Amen, perhaps things will get better :smile:

Shoka