Other Caring for Aging Parents

[RainbowSearchParty]

Without disclosing too much detail (because internet), a family crisis this last week has shown me just how much my aging parents are (increasingly) unable to make sound, rational decisions regarding their own health and safety. They aren't to the point yet that they need assisted living, but I feel like that time line is closer than I thought it was before, and the pressure is on me because I'm the only living relative of theirs in any position to take care of them (although I live in a different country than them, so that would require a major upset in my own life, etc).

But they are the reason I have PTSD and DID (among others -- just loads of childhood trauma). And even though I've been working so hard these last years at increasing my stability, and I've made so much progress, the thought of taking care of them is just sending me into an absolute panic and the younger parts just can't even handle thinking about it.

Anyone else had to navigate this? How do I balance my own health and wellness with theirs? Is it terrible of me if I don't take care of them? Where is the line in regards to the morality of taking care of aging people who don't have any clue as to how they hurt me and taking care of myself by refusing to take care of them?

I'm just so sick to my stomach even thinking about what the future might look like.

 

[Sideways]

How do I balance my own health and wellness with theirs? Is it terrible of me if I don't take care of them?

Prioritise yourself and your needs. It is not terrible of you to take over care of independent adults.

If they aren’t in need of assisted living, my personal approach would be to leave them be. Adults are entitled to indepence - and part of that means they’re entitled to fk up their own lives however they want.

I’ll potentially call the Adult Guardian to step in if either of my parents reach the point where they no longer have capacity. There are mechanisms in place that can take care of that - probably not with the degree of care that they’d like for themselves, but again, I am not responsible for my parents welfare. Not now, not ever. There is no moral imperative when they failed to provide basic safety for me as a child.

It’s true that I stay on good terms with my parents. That’s for my own wellbeing, though, not theirs, and always guided by very clear boundaries about the fact that I will not take responsibility for them at any point. Never again. Respecting myself demands that.

And…you’ll note all that is fairly emotional! I may not be the most level voice on the subject!! But at the same time? The moral ideals set by a society that assumes parents love and care for their children has very little relevance in my life!

 

[Midnightmoon]

I've been trying an failing to type coherent sentences for the past 15 mins and failing miserably so I'm sorry if this doesn't make alot of sense.

Firstly.

Is it terrible of me if I don't take care of them?

Nope. If it helps at all I think it's more common than society like to let on. Working with the elderly I'd say close to 80% of everyone I looked after was cared for by the state or private services. It was rare to have family involved bar maybe a visit a few times a year. There was of course some that lived within an extended family home environment and we're very 'picture perfect' of what people like to think all families look like. The reality, very different.

Where is the line in regards to the morality of taking care of aging people who don't have any clue as to how they hurt me and taking care of myself by refusing to take care of them?

Urgh this question hurts my head because yep, it's so hard to feel okay around this stuff. I think sideways has it pretty nailed down.

Personally, if people have capacity then in theory it's 'easier', but for me that's actually always been harder because there is a level of awareness and choice in what's going on....

If no capacity, I guess I see it as my moral duty as a human being to ensure that helps is available to someone, it just doesn't need to come from me. So to get a social worker or whatever involved to ensure that they are being cared for, without it becoming my role.

 

[RainbowSearchParty]

Adults are entitled to indepence - and part of that means they’re entitled to fk up their own lives however they want.

Thank you. But the situation is complicated because (again, barring too many details) there is a younger, dependent person involved that is impacted by all the decisions I will and will not make around this (now and in the future) so the decisions aren't just about them and me. And I feel fiercely protective of this younger person, who deserves every single chance to live the best life that they can. So I'm just really struggling on how to handle things and separate things.

If no capacity, I guess I see it as my moral duty as a human being to ensure that helps is available to someone, it just doesn't need to come from me.

This is really helpful. Thank you @Midnightmoon

 

[Sideways]

And I feel fiercely protective of this younger person, who deserves every single chance to live the best life that they can.

Yeah, I hear you.

My sister lives with me for this reason. And she maintains a close relationship with our parents, which makes it complicated. It took me a long while to sort through that.

 

[RainbowSearchParty]

My sister lives with me for this reason

I'm glad I'm not the only one to have to navigate this sort of thing. My plan has always been to move this young person in with me and take over their care. But this means I need to be stable -- emotionally, financially, etc. I've been making so much progress towards that goal but I'm just not there yet. I think I'm feeling panic at the thought of the time line being accelerated because it means I need to hurry up and start making at least double my current income, look into finding a more permanent place to live than my current place, etc. in addition to all the work on stabilizing with parts, etc. So there is just so much to think about beyond simply what to do with my parents, and I'm totally overwhelmed by it all.

 

[Movingforward10]

Is it terrible of me if I don't take care of them

100% no. Let go the guilt. You live in a different country. Your life is where you made it.

Where is the line in regards to the morality of taking care of aging people who don't have any clue as to how they hurt me and taking care of myself by refusing to take care of them?

There isn't a line of morality. I understand this a lot. I know my mother is slagging me off to anyone who will listen that I am a terrible person because I barely contact her and she's grieving my Dad who died a few months ago.
I get the complications of parents getting older. But, I know that if I spend more time with my mother it's at a cost to me and that cost is too great. I've had a lifetime of it. I actually owe her nothing.

And I feel fiercely protective of this younger person, who deserves every single chance to live the best life that they can. So I'm just really struggling on how to handle things and separate things.

This is complicated. But also, you live in a different country. If you are worried, is there a welfare service that can step in? Adult social worker? Carers?
What wrap around service can you put in for them?