Relationship Cheating Caused By Ptsd?

[Gs172003]

I have mentioned this to her also and she is really afraid of me telling the bride. She is afraid tha...

Hmmm
Well....that's possible.


Maybe just maybe you should talk to the guy yourself, let him know you know and if you find out he does it again you'll let his beautiful WIFE know.
Other than that...I don't know.

The whole thing sounds pretty messed up. The man needs his butt whipped

 

[Sweetpea76]

As somebody who had a cheating spouse in the past, I'd be wary of the smokescreen too... not to cast aspersions on your wife, just to warn you like I wish somebody had warned me about my exhusband.

Cheaters love to validate their cheating. "I was drunk, it's not my fault, I started to but I stopped because I love you..." Placing the blame anywhere but on themselves. My ex didn't have PTSD, but he had 20 excuses for every instance of cheating, and none of them were "because I lied and cheated."

Is it possible she doesn't want you confronting the groom because she doesn't want you to hear his side of the story?

When your partner has PTSD, you tend to treat them like they're fragile and helpless. That will bite you right in the butt later on. If you want to work on this marriage it is time to lay down the boundary - This is not OK. You are hurt and furious. You understand that PTSD was a factor, but she still ultimately made the decision. You will not tolerate it again. -

 

[Gs172003]

As somebody who had a cheating spouse in the past, I'd be wary of the smokescreen too... not to cast...

The more I think about it the more selfish she sounds. She's more worried about her reputation than the fact that a. She betrayed her friend and b. Her friends fiance screwed around on her right before they were to be married and she knows it and is too whatever to tell her.

 

[Abstract]

Others have said it all already.

I think the most important thing now is to consider how you feel and what you need, Obviously figuring out the nuances of her intent and motivations may influence these (influence and possible long term issues) but for now you are allowed to feel what you feel and listen to your needs regardless. You might want to concentrate on that before delving too much into anything else. In fact you are totally in your rights to never look at anything else if that is your choice.

A little clue in to a guess at her motivations (until you check in with her of course as its just guess work) is:
people who have difficulties saying no because of abuse usually show general signs of inability to set limits for themselves when it comes to their bodies.
People who are sexualised as a result of abuse and act out sexually will usually have shown signs of this too. Overly sexualised behaviour. And I would add are usually going to find it harder to stop doing it in the future.

Its also possible for somenne struggling in life to merely be reacting to the attention as a self esteem boost which is probably the same reason why a lot of people cheat. No direct correlation at all. And for others still it has zero link to PTSD and is exactly the same as for anyone in general.

If you haven;t read up about ptsd before then maybe have a read around on here. Look at triggers etc and the ptsd cup.

As the others said PTSD does not cause cheating and its not an excuse. I wish you well figuring out what you need here, Have to say I can't see how confronting the guy will help you. Bad energy and a waste of it. Its between your girlfriend and you.

 

[Big H]

In my years of not confronting PTSD, I was selfish, and self destructive, I drank, fought, and hedonistically lived. What I didn't do was admit it, don't ask me why, I still can't answer that one. Today my wife still doesn't know the full extent of my turmoil, I live with that guilt. But if I'm honest, that's okay, as I was wrong. I've learnt that recovery is eating an elephant, or peeling an onion, it's slow, one brick at a time, it's never good for me to overload, I I do, I just go into my mental wardrobe, put on that titanium armour, and wait for the adrenaline to surge.
There's never an excuse for a breach of trust, we all here have cracks in our mirrors, I live now by trying to be a better person tomorrow than I am today, that way, I'm in control.
Your wife is brave to have confided this, and clearly wants help.

 

[James623]

Thank you again for all of your responses.

As an update, my wife and I have had a lot of open and honest discussions about this over the last few days including going in together to talk with her therapist.

I think that maybe my statement in the original post that the therapist said it "wasn't her fault" was inaccurate and unfair to the therapist and my wife. After talking with the therapist, I think what she was saying was more like what others have said here. I think that she was saying that given my wife's previous sexual trauma and the influence of the alcohol my wife didn't feel like she had rights over her own body or a right to say no to what the man wanted.

My wife said that she felt overwhelmed in the situation and reverted to a state of going along with what the man wanted to avoid being hurt. She feels that this guy took advantage of her in a situation where she was unable to give consent to sexual activity. I told her that I believed her and that I forgive her. Not that I'm ok with what happened, but that I forgive her.

I also know that she has been working very hard to deal with her issues since this happened. Her and her therapist have been doing a treatment called EMDR which they tried to explain to me during our meeting.

We plan on meeting with a couples therapist to continue working through this. Her therapist recommended that we go to someone else for this who can be completely neutral since she already has an existing relationship with my wife. So, she is going to refer us to someone.

My wife also said that after she was raped by her previous boyfriend, one of the hardest things to deal with was no one believed her that it happened, including her family. That is the main reason that she is afraid of people finding out about this. She is afraid that people won't believe her that she felt forced by this guy while in a vulnerable position.

Now I'm just trying to figure out what I need to be able to deal with this. Abstract, I think you are probably right about what you said about me confronting this guy just being a was of my energy. On the other hand, my personality is that I'm very quiet and very easy going. As a result people tend to walk all over me and I don't stand up for myself. So, a part of me feels like if I don't stand up for myself in this situation and confront this guy after what he has done to my wife, then how can I call myself a man. But, if I do confront this guy I want it to be in a way that doesn't turn violent and doesn't end up hurting my wife. I'm not sure how to do that.

 

[Anarchy]

Wot Sweetpea wrote ^^^

Your wife has shared the info with you.

Be extremely careful what lenses/ filters you view this information through, as the assumptions can easily become irrefutable self fulfilling prophecy.

Eg, "she's got PTSD, she can't help it" suggests to you that she cannot change
It also suggests to her that there's no reason to try to change because she can't...

IMO non of those three are true.

There are some chapters which you and your wife might find helpful, and could form the basis for you sitting down and having some honest and open conversations with each other

Raymond Bergner | Illinois State University - Academia.edu

Start with "impulsive action" and see how you get on.
If you like that, try "paranoid style"
Then the other two, hysterical and overseer.

I'm not suggesting that your wife fits any of those pigeonholes, she probably doesn't, but I think that you'll find the chapters make the behaviours much more understandable for you.

And they'll also help you to understand how your wife must be feeling at the moment.

Edited
Couples therapy is a really good idea. Good luck

 

[Recovery4Me]

and the therapist told her it wasn't her fault, that it was just a combination of the alcohol and the PTSD that she has from the previous sexual assault.

I am sorry that you have been betrayed. That is indeed heartbreaking. Yet with all due respect to a painful situation- PTSD does not morph one into a cheater during libations. Nor does a partial fellatio eliminate the prudent need to get yourself checked by a physician for STD. :hug:

I strongly suggest that you request the therapist to see you both to revisit the said above (possible) quote, situation and discuss with the T recommendations for marriage counseling post haste. As well, being an 12 Stepper in Alcoholic Anonymous (AA), I strongly offer that she attend to assist in her accepting a form of responsibility in her role- if her choice of substance was actually an contributing factor to betrayal.

Stay strong and please know those whom cheat have many available labels outside of the catch-all, pop culture excuse of PTSD. The diagnosis is not synonymous with - "not my fault". :grumpy:

 

[The Albatross]

Yeah, ultimately it belongs to personal accountability... however, it can be a pivotal moment type of consequence. Depends on the couple and the direction I suppose.

 

[James623]

Nor does a partial fellatio eliminate the prudent need to get yourself checked by a physician for STD.

That is actuality how I originally found out about this. While cleaning the house in preparation for Christmas I found an old piece of paper from the hospital saying that a few days after the incident happened she had gone to urgent care to be checked for possible exposure to STDs. I confronted her about why she needed to be tested for STDs and she told me what happened.

 

[The Albatross]

Well however it came down she was tested. That's something, however there is a level of trust in a relationship that may need to be discussed - perhaps in joint session for you both to move forward with mediation.

 

[Anarchy]

James,
You may find this interesting
Do not let your wife know about it, she's probably struggling with more guilt and low self esteem than she can handle right now. Don't add to it.

Omar Minwalla, PsyD - The Trauma Therapist Project