Child "therapying" Their Mother?

[hollyberrytea]

So, I am a sufferer of sexual abuse as a child. As is my mother when she was a child.

However, my mom is in denial and thinks she's fine, when she does outright weird and wrong things. She married only to feel like someone loved her. She only likes infants because they love her because they don't know her. She's even said that she doesn't like older kids because they have minds of their own. She comes to ME, her daughter, when she's upset (and wanting to commit suicide). Talk about parenting....

For instance, my abuser was at Easter Dinner with us on Sunday, and I seemed out of it after we got home. And she thought I was upset about that or whatever (which I was not). And she texted me, which I did not respond to (because I didn't see it). And an hour later I got a text from her freaking out and blaming my father that my abuser was there and yada yada. And started saying she wanted to divorce him.

After all that, I'm the one who told her that she should be strong for herself and that once she's strong for her, she will be for other people. (Note: I told her to go to therapy MANY times throughout this whole conversation and she said no that she's fine.) She was grateful for my help, and said she cried about it. Just.. UGH.

I just can't believe, ME of all people, have to give my mom help? I'm her daughter, if anything I feel like I should be more inexperienced in life than she is. But I can already tell I'm above her in life experience and have a better grasp of my life and life around me than she does.

I don't know how to get her to go get help. She won't go, even if I insist. She's convinced she's fine, yet she comes crying to her children for help. I don't believe that's good parenting. I never believed she was right for children, yet she had six kids (including me). And all of them are messed up mentally in some fashion.

It's not my job, I told her. I just don't know what to do about it. It's stressful. I have to deal with myself and my mom? No, I don't think that's right.

Opinions?

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

What and who you want in your life is your choice. It is also your choice in how to handle it. It is also your boundary line you have to draw with your mother.

 

[Away From The Sun]

I don't know how to get her to go get help. She won't go, even if I insist.

It's not my job, I told her. I just don't know what to do about it. It's stressful. I have to deal with myself and my mom? No, I don't think that's right.

I was in a somewhat similar situation to you. You can't force people to do anything... they have to choose for themselves. All you can really do is say your piece, set your boundaries, emotionally disengage, and accept that that's how they are (if you can't leave).

She might eventually come around.

 

[Philippa]

I had a very similar experience of my mother, although I am not a survivor of child sexual abuse. I'm starting to wonder though if perhaps she was? I have no way of knowing though, and we are not in contact anymore.

After her mother died, it's like she regressed back to being a child and started turning to me as though I am her mother, and she was my child...even dragging me along to the pokie machines the way her and her mother used to spend time together. It bored me to tears, and I left after 5 minutes and caught the bus home. I knew she was grieving, and this was how it was manifesting for her, but it didn't help me much, and I was going through a lot myself at the time, as a teenager.

She came to me for this when I was seriously depressed and needed her to be my mother. I can empathize totally with your situation. It's such a dysfunctional and unfair thing to do to a child, place them in the role of carer when it is THEIR job. They signed up for it, so it's no good turning around and deciding they want to be children again and it's our turn to be the mothers...but try telling that to them?

I'm probably not being understanding enough to her though, but I just felt so resentful when she did this to me that I could no longer muster the will to try and understand what she may be going through inside to behave this way. When it imposes on your life like that you have every right to withdraw and do whatever you need to take care of yourself...since your mother is clearly not able to right now.

 

[The Albatross]

Holly, my own mother has chosen to stay in her dysfunctions. I have a lot of feelings about this, but ultimately it's her life, her choice. I have made efforts with both my mother and mother in law to love and accept them anyway and work on managing my own thoughts/feelings and practice boundary setting. It has not been easy.

My own mental trick is to hate the sin, love the sinner... in as much as I'm able. Separate the actions from the person and choose to remind myself of the kind or loving things that are healthier and unique or special about that person. I've got quite a long history though with my mother as she had a near nervous breakdown when I was a teenager and we did reverse roles for a time.

It helps me to remember that my mother is also a domestic abuse survivor... one who is stuck. Though if your mother is coming to you and dumping her suicidal ideation at your door I think I'd set a boundary or let her know of some consequence (that you determine) should she continue to resist assistance for her mental issues.

I had to do that with my own mother, because she was having irrational anxiety. If she couldn't reach me by phone at times, instead of calling my husband or leaving a message, she'd start calling hospitals or police stations. She's on prozac now, but is still resisting therapy. It's better than it was.

It is messy when a parent does this. I had to really think out of the parent/child box to get to a medium my mother and I could accept.

 

[Philippa]

I think that's really important to be able to distinguish and seperate the sinner from the sin, and recognize that they are only acting from their own patterns and unconsciousness, though I have to admit I was better at this as a teenager than I was as someone in their late twenties, and even now I have trouble getting past my own anger and neg thoughts towards her to be able to, but it is something worth doing. I know i felt a whole lot better about myself when I was able to do this. Thanks for the reminder Alba.