Other Childhood Abuse Flashbacks-due To Political Leadership

[Sophie's Daddy]

I agree with VB to an extent. We need to protect ourselves emotionally, but if we feel some strength to rea...

You know, after hearing back from are you and VB, I feel your energy and am reminded how I felt as a kid.

I also remember thinking that I'd never bow to such a tyrant again. Unfortunately, that was before I knew the extent to which my childhood trauma would affect my adult life.

The person I am now is, 35 years later, pretty frazzled by a lifetime of frustration as an undiagnosed borderline.

But, as you both have shown me, there is still some fire in my soul. Maybe I am just having a good day, but I have decided not to go anywhere without a fight.

Currently, I'm in Arizona, having felt the need to leave Mexico about two weeks ago in order to avoid whatever BS might be taking place at the border. I simply didn't have the reserves to handle that kind of stress.

Like you hodge, my heart goes out to all the deportees, parents, grandparents, children, etc. I like.

I have met many Mexican families during my brief stay, and cannot sure you that none of them are likely to forget how to speak their native tongue – they are fighters, too, and that's what brought them here in the first place. I give them credit for the strength to do more than I'm not sure I could say I'm capable of.

For the record, I had planned to come back from Mexico, because I saw this political trouble brewing and I didn't think I could handle the stress of it. So far, I'm right – the stress has been overwhelming at times.

Unfortunately, because of my insurance and medication needs, I remain tied to the US healthcare system. I had no choice but to return, and did so reluctantly. This, without more than a high school level background in speaking Spanish.

But, as Mexicans have been motivated to come here, I've been equally motivated to emigrate.

As far as the sweeps for illegals and undocumented workers is concerned, I've known something like this was up all week, as I've seen national guard helicopters overhead quite constantly which, locals tell me, is uncommon.

More telling, however, is my intuition, which I trust greatly. The sight of these military vehicles, coupled with my justified fear of the White House occupant has proven a trigger for me on two occasions already.

Recently, I stayed closer to the border, where my pharmacy was located. But the constant state of border patrol vehicles passing by was to unnerving.

Despite my better knowledge, fear still drives my behavior. In fact, given my Mexican surname and the wonderful tan I got floating in the sea of Cortez, I could pass for a Mexican national.

That's why I have my passport on hand at all times. So, even though I regard my father's behavior as tyrannical, and something he probably inherited from his father, this whole arrangement with the new president has given me reason to understand how my dad's father felt, living in fear after coming to the states from Mexico all those years ago.

The irony? He settled in Pennsylvania, where I grew up.

 

[Deleted member 39333]

Personally, I'm looking into Iceland.

 

[Sophie's Daddy]

Eh, I'm currently exhausted, @Sophie's Daddy. But I am with you in your feelings on thi...

I'm with you on that. Thank you so much for your and everyone's feedback – I've learned a lot about myself though you in just the last several hours, and I appreciate it.

 

[hodge]

:hug:s

 

[Sophie's Daddy]

Personally, I'm looking into Iceland.

Really? That's great- from what I've learned about Iceland, it's a very beautiful country where many American expats have made a happy home. Best of luck to you if/when you decide to go.

Many Canadians, I've learned, understandably head to the Mexican warmth in droves for the winter. Some of them, I'm proud to say given my agoraphobia, have become online friends I find myself hoping to see again someday. Still, I had an awkward separation from others when my symptoms got to be too much.

Anyway, they shared their concerns and doubts with me about their own new leader as well, a young man whose father had once been the Canadian PM.

The elder gained notoriety in the 1980's world press for giving the middle finger to a journalist, I think it was.

Quite an inauspicious yet important moment in world history, reminiscent of Khrushchev's pounding his shoe on the lectern during the Cold War.

You know, I've found a lot of comfort in this, being reminded how the world has faced yet managed to survive some pretty hairy situations. Maybe there's hope in humanity after all.

Having grown up in fight-or-flight, I regard my traveling as being a vestige of my youth spent in flight. Rarely do I spend more than a week or two in one place, no matter where I go.

If it weren't for occasional reminders of past trauma, this traveling lifestyle would offer a real sense of complete freedom. External factors still intervene, and always without warning.

In my experience, though, undocumented workers are not among them. I doubt many make it to Iceland.

 

[Anarchy]

Hi Sophie's Dad.

I'm offering this as a reframe. It was written back about the year 1550. It takes about forty minutes to listen to the actual audio book (IIRC the preface takes longer than the essay).

It's a hopeful and peaceful perspective that you will not get from the lamestream. It's Street tested as well, Ghandi's campaign for Indian independence was modelled on it.

The Politics of Obedience: The Discourse of Voluntary Servitude

 

[DharmaGirl]

Wow, I just read this thread and I'm really impressed with all the insight here. I was also triggered by the election, and everything happening since, which is making our country something different than I thought it would be. I'm afraid the mentally ill will be next. Or on the list somewhere. I feel so unsafe now, ever since he was elected, and I am so glad you were able to put it in such an intelligent, thoughtful way, @Sophie's Daddy. It is something I have wanted to discuss, but as you said, I didn't want it to become a political issue.

I watched a video of women who support Trump, and they truly don't see anything but greatness in what he is doing. That is why I feel so defeated. The media and many, many people are upset by his policies, but his supporters continue to be happy with what he is doing. I would like to add more, but I can't seem to get the words in order. Again, thank you so much for this thread.

 

[Sophie's Daddy]

Hi Sophie's Dad.

I'm offering this as a reframe. It was written back about the year 1550. It takes a...

Thank you – I will play it after the phone battery charges!

 

[Sophie's Daddy]

Wow, I just read this thread and I'm really impressed with all the insight here. I was also triggere...

Thank you for your kind words – I appreciate it.

 

[Sophie's Daddy]

Hi Sophie's Dad.

I'm offering this as a reframe. It was written back about the year 1550. It takes a...

Yes, a special thank you for your recommendation, Anarchy. This is a recording I highly recommend to anybody else on this thread who's voiced their concerns.

It's an excellent reminder that many similar tyrants with an eye toward world conquest have come before him, and that this one is destined to fall just as all those before him have.

As the author states, "No tyrant who is without the will of the people can succeed".

These words have supported the realization that the current US president has surrounded himself only with people who similarly seek to protect his best interests, and no one else's.

Short version: He's nothing special that the world hasn't seen-and crushed-many times over. His "brand", in reality, allows no room for love or thoughtfulness, peace or tolerance.

Whether through a blend of connivance, false kindness, or outright threats of physical or financial destruction, such a person can apparently live seventy years or more in such a comfortable bubble.

And evidently, that's time enough to feed delusions of grandeur strong enough to suggest that world domination is attainable.

However, as the head of a nation founded upon the strong shoulders such as those cruelly yet nonetheless being deported today, that bubble will burst soon enough.

The people are speaking, and their-our- voices will eventually be heard, our support withdrawn, then reality will assert itself.

Though it'll be a victory for the masses, it'll also bring special comfort to those of us negatively affected by the whole ordeal.

The words of this recording will ring true in – and perhaps even lend hope to – the hearts of anyone who has, or currently is living in the presence of a home dominated by such a tyrant.

Perhaps, as Dharma Girl mentioned, the inexplicable women's support enjoyed by this person may be explained in part by their past or current subservience to a cruel male figure, just as my own life once was.

But as I mentioned somewhere above, thanks to the feedback from you, I find I still have some fire in my soul and am reminded of my vow to myself to never bow again to such a tyrant.

I hope each of you who seek it find that fire inside, too. Our boundaries are ours to set now, as they should always have been but, for whatever reason were not.

For me, codependency and the development of a stable identity are my biggest internal challenges. Externally, it's social credibility. One cannot exist without the other.

It's my burden alone to carry, weighty enough to guarantee I'll never allow an external burden from another person that is rightfully theirs to carry, even if I understand their reasons.

It's a promise I made to myself long ago, and one I must keep.

However, I'm not so naïve as to believe this can all fairly-or safely- be believed by children of abuse still living the nightmare.

My heart goes out to you, and I pray that you may get out before too much damage is done.

Despite my wishes to the contrary, I still don't know how or what I would say to you. My own inner child is still crying out for healing words, and Crisis Hotlines can only provide so much comfort.

Does anybody know? Please share here for their benefit, if you can, even if only a link to a helpful site.

Thank you again to everyone who contributed to this thread. I hope your shared concerns make the same, positive difference to others lives as it has to mine. As I said, even one makes it worthwhile.

 

[hodge]

I wish I knew of a helpful site. I've tried crisis hotlines, and, as you say, they are only so good. Better than nothing in a crunch, though, that's for sure.

I don't know what to recommend. I am struggling, too.

My mom is so much like him and I still have a connection to her. Sometimes she wants to talk about him and I try to shut it down because I get so upset. They both have narcissistic personality disorder. You don't have to be licensed to see that. It's a very dangerous condition because the person with it thinks they can do anything and get away with it. They don't have a conscience like we do. Everything is about them. Even when they try to do good things, like my mom does -- she founded a homeless shelter and center 16 years ago and still runs it. I work part-time for it. But it's horrible to hear her talk about a lot of the people they serve. She knows most of them have mental illnesses but still talks about them in derogatory ways, to put it lightly. Still, she's doing the good work, helping to keep people from freezing to death in the winter, helping them try to get on their feet year round. So, I don't know. It's like cognitive dissonance everywhere, which is extremely disorienting.

 

[Sophie's Daddy]

I wish I knew of a helpful site. I've tried crisis hotlines, and, as you say, they are only so good. Bett...

Yes, despite it's inherent positive definition, empathy can feel downright burdensome, even insidious in entering my thoughts.

For example, a half-hour ago I was thinking about a pleasant day Sophie and I were having at a hideaway mountain lake last summer in the Colorado Rockies.

Few others were there, mostly fishing. Though I fished as a kid, I see it now as an awful pastime given the barbed hook.

One of the men caught a fish then, after unhooking it, dropped it on the ground next to him. I'd never seen that, and it took me by surprise.

As the fish flopped around, I couldn't-I didn't - do anything to help it. The only thing I was able to do was to turn and walk away so I didn't have to watch it die.

And I was too afraid of confronting the man about it-I didn't trust in the safety of my emotions.

I felt for that fish, feeling as if I were it's only hope of survival and just left it behind. I am still bothered by that, though I know it's a function of my BPD-related fear of abandonment.

To put it into context, though, I also realize that I put myself in the place of that dying fish and realize that, painful as it is, I have to walk away from that part of myself that's flopping around on the ground, dying.

As a Borderline, I'm endowed with a particularly strong ability/tendency to dissociate - a leftover adaptation from childhood.

While it wasn't painful for me to walk away from my parents around thirty years ago-my first wife was a great support- I've learned that naïvely trying to reunite with them now afterwards involves enduring a subsequent separation that plays havoc with my mind.

As a Borderline, I've long mastered the ability to turn and walk away from anyone, no matter how close they thought we were. Except for my parents; they still have that terrible hold on me, decades later.

So, all that in mind, I realize there's no chance ever of a healthy relationship with them, even if I just try to see them as "just other people" like those I might meet on the street.

As far as narcissists go, nothing you do-or can do or promise to do or have done, etc. will ever be enough.

The same is true of everything they do. For example, is there really a benevolent motive behind the homeless shelter, or does it serve as an unending source of grateful albeit troubled souls who provide your mom with a deep reservoir of gratification?

Just a thought. Only you can decide if, based on your full knowledge of your situation it's a possibility.

I can tell you though, that when I moved two time zones and 3,000 miles away, from Pennsylvania to Seattle I more clearly saw the finer details of my family obstacles that had been under my nose the entire time.

Sometimes all we need is the permission to get out into the world and do our own thing. Narcissistic parents would never want their kids-or anyone- to leave them; it'd be a failure to them, one of their biggest possible fears.

So, if it helps-and maybe you've been thinking about it anyway- I'm granting you the permission you might need to leave.

No need to tell them why, just turn around and say goodbye. Sometimes all that you can do is wish them well. I'm paraphrasing some song lyrics here, but you get the idea.

If you're working part time and have other commitments for now, then you can plan your release from your current situation, and then see how much of the frustrating cognitive dissonance remains.

I know you didn't ask for my opinion and, if you consider the source-me, a self-admitted Borderline- you might be wary.

But I wouldn't ever again give up the freedom I've gained from being away from anyone who I ever feel might challenge it.

I wish you the best, and hope that my words help; they come straight from my heart !