Undiagnosed Childhood Abuse From Alcoholic Father

[smile_empty_soul]

I am 18 now and since I was around 13 I started having emotional issues. I was diagnosed at 14 with Depression, and also at the time I was Anorexic, but I am a normal weight now. I also have self harmed since I was 10, which I told my mum at 14. I was put on anti depressants at 15, and at 16 I attempted suicide twice and was put on a psychiatric ward for 2 days.

From ages 4-8 me, my siblings, and mum were emotionally abused, and sometimes physically by my alcoholic father. I actually can't remember a lot anymore, just a few memories which are patchy, but he would say things like he would burn our house when we slept or he would threaten to belt me. He smashed up things in the house and he was just drunk all the time. Even on two occasions when I was in hospital, and another time when my sibling was in hospital, he turned up drunk.

What I'm wondering is, is it possible that all the problems I'm having now is to do with what happened as a young child? After he left I was fine, never unhappy. It's just when I hit my teens I became very unwell, and have also had many panic attacks that have caused me to vomit and be unable to breathe. I also get a lot of nightmares, and I have woke myself up either screaming or shouting for my mum.
I remember when I was about 14, I was at school one day. Then suddenly at the end of my class I had this weird feeling, like I was there but not there if you get me. Then I was walking to my next lesson and I stopped and watched everyone walk by, and I just felt like I didn't recognize where I was, although I was aware I was at school, but I just stood there in a trance. It was weird and lasted about 10 mins. I also remember twice in school I was upset one time, so I was in the offices. And this teacher patted me on the back and I nearly fell off my chair because I flinched. I don't know why it happened :(

I have been diagnosed with Depression, but they don't seem to want to know what has caused it. All they do is just say "so how do you feel when...or how do you cope with.." It's all just pointless questions.

 

[NIKI]

Hi smile_empty-soul. I know how it is to grow up with an alcoholic father. I'm sorry you had to live that life too.

Welcome to the forum.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Hello and welcome to the forum. :)

 

[Resilientbibliophile]

Hello and welcome to the forum,

(Recognize that I'm NOT professional help, but rather a sufferer)

What is especially hard about childhood emotional abuse is that inputs of love and support that parents and those who make up our social network during sensitive years effectively don't do their work at best, and harm us in a developmental-sense at worst. Yes - unquestionably what you are relating to us now is unfinished business that speaks of matters relating to what is termed 'attachment' as well what are referred to as personal boundary issues. What you've shared also suggests what is termed Complex P.T.S.D. rooted in sustained and persistent envelopment within a life circumstance absent much power. I'm so sorry, sensitive to the fact that all this hasn't by any means stopped given you are 18 years of age and remain dependent on those in the thrall of their own abusive legacies and behavioral acting out. Oh, and that hypersensitivity to being touched or taken unawares is what is termed an exaggerated startle reflex - something of a hallmark of abuse in these quarters. :wtf:

You'll likely notice that on this board there is a heavier preponderance of those who are in their 30's and up, but there is reason for this too that I suspect you'll readily understand. Many of us carved out an unsteady and psychologically-harrowing existence within family circumstances not of our choosing, subconsciously hoping that 'it wasn't all that terrible', or that we in turn were to blame for much of the dysfunction. Clearly there exists a spectrum of belief and experiences rooted-so.

And so years pass, we black out with variable effectiveness just how nasty so much of the experiential territory was (via something termed 'dissociation'), and struggle to contain resentment for what was not present or afforded (struggling if you will not to 'displace' or give free reign to 'displacement'). When we finally enter into relationships and look forward into the territory where we will be called upon to create a coherent adult identity including a work identity, an interpersonal identity, etc. we come face-to-face with the inadequacies of our own development and may no longer ignore the work we must do. Terrified of 'being like our parents', scared, etc., we know we must do something - but what?

Yes, therapy helps guide and support many here, but know that understanding the language and concepts behind attachment theory as well as the parameters of emotional abuse - especially upon children who are cognitively developing and profoundly sensitive to 'psychological mishandling' is the thing you'll be challenged to deconstruct. In short, if the horrible dynamic you've suffered is experienced in the day-to-day as the nonverbal emotional memories of a traumatized child, then of course these are going to be wildly disorienting and harrowing for so hard it is to label them - let alone undertake the work of deconstructing the underlying dynamic.

Kind regards, and know that however harrowing the trip has been, some searching around will reveal that others are indeed nodding their heads to the extent that they recognize the experience. Theory, care, the tools whereby we will each live better are slowly being crafted, but this too represent opportunity for individual assertion and some expression of positive growth. For myself, I seem to be fed better by more academic treatments versus lighter fare, but such is yours to contemplate and discover.

Internet Search Terms for you to contemplate then:

Attachment Theory
Harlow's Attachment Experiments
Complex PTSD

M.

 

[Kim500]

Hi and a warm welcome to the forum! :hug: I am so sorry that you suffered what you did... I don't remember my parents fighting much, but on one occasion I was listening through the vent in my bedroom to hear what they were saying and my mother was telling my father to be quieter because us kids were sleeping upstairs. My father said loudly and angrily, "I don't give a damn about those damn kids!" Still to this day it's fresh in my memory and it's not nearly as bad as the threatening things your father said, so I really feel for you and pray for your healing: body, mind, and your precious soul. **hugs**

 

[KP the nut]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

Take your time reading the information here, especially the threads/posts with the sticky pins.

 

[Whitneys story]

Hi and welcome to the forum! Take your time, there is so much information available. On the home page are some excellent articles as well.

It sounds like you have a therapist but possibly they are not trained in other areas! Have you approached them on other types.

I wish you success on your journey! Whitney