Childhood, Coping Skills, When You Are Traumatized

[rightkindofme]

I have the... perhaps pessimistic belief that everyone will see some trauma in their lives. Not everyone ends up with PTSD. People who do end up with PTSD do so for a lot of different reasons, some of them genetic. I have a long family history of lots of mental health problems which leads me to suspect that I should watch my kids carefully.

That said, at this point I'm raising them in a pretty privileged environment. I struggle with dealing with imposter syndrome (I'm a dirty street kid and I don't deserve to be in the nice home unless I am there as a servant.) and survivor guilt (why do I have a safe home when I'm the f'in loser who has already been homeless for so much of my life--it isn't right that I am safe when other people are not.).

I struggle with the fact that at this point in my life... most of my problems are fairly self imposed. Well, as "self-imposed" as mental illness ever is.

I do the work to deal with my mental illness. I've learned a lot about self care. I eat well, exercise frequently, medicate appropriately, take down time, blah, blah, blah. ALL THE GROWN UP THINGS!! Ahem. (That is a reference to a funny online comic about depression called Hyperbole and a Half.)

So I don't have a "pre-trauma" self I'm trying to get back to. I'm a work in progress and I try very hard to take it one day at a time. I spend a lot of time paying attention to how much gratitude I feel for the life I now lead... but that makes my imposter syndrome and survivor guilt worse. All of these nice things should be taken away and given away to someone "better".

I suppose I shouldn't say with certainty that I'm not traumatizing my kids. But so far they get evaluated every so often by concerned professional individuals and they've always thought to be quite happy and healthy. They show no signs of trauma.

Which is actually kind of weird and a problem for me. They don't act like I did as a kid and that is really hard for me. I feel more ashamed of myself as time goes on. I understand why people had such huge problems with me. I was a really big jerk-face. I was harsh, mean, aggressive, violent, and sexually aggressive.

I struggle with letting go of the guilt I feel. Dealing with my traumatic childhood was not pretty. I was not a very nice person and I don't know how to stop hating myself for that.

I imagine it to be much easier to deal with an adult trauma that happens after a lifetime of believing you are a decent, worthy human being. But that's my projection and I have no real idea of how it works.

What am I wanting to discuss? How do y'all think parenting plays into your coping skills? I learned no coping skills from my parents but I'm learning them now on my own. It totally is possible to reparent yourself.

I feel scared about parenting. I do have independent evaluators in place (consistent pediatrician who specializes in generational abuse--I scored on that one) so I don't think I'm doing that bad. I'm just scared. I want to do well by them. I'm not sure if my best is good enough.

The older I get the more I see that my mom really and truly did her best. It just wasn't good enough. I'm scared that my best won't be good enough.

 

[Nam]

I struggle with the parenting aspect quite a lot. I think I'm more sensitive to my kids' daily emotional needs, where my hubs tends to think more broadly in the overall picture. I've been reading several books about emotional neglect and how to raise my kids without those kinds of burdens. I know that I was only raised in a work, study environment with no wiggle room for self expression and play. No way am I going to snuff out the passion in my kids with the way that my parents raised me. It's very concerning when I'm caught doing exactly what my parents would have done in a particular situation. I try very hard to remedy it when it strikes. It's HARD though. To communicate my thoughts without projecting and to not only say that they can depend on me, but to be there, listening, and open when they need me.

I can say that I did the most harm to my oldest child. She got the burnt of my PTSD when she was about two years old until she was four. It didn't help that she was challenging from the start as a kid. She has always been sensitive, very reactive, and had some high needs. But I certainly did not help matters. She's 12 now and I'm doing some patching up. We talk quite a bit about how she feels about stuff and how those feelings are valid. She tends to dismiss them. She's currently in therapy and it has done wonders for her. I hope that she gets some "dreams" soon. She has no high hopes of doing anything in the future which seems saddening to me. She doesn't want to get married, have kids, or anything like that. She claims she has no friends when in fact she hasn't really tried to make any. She doesn't have any goals academically either. She is very talented in music but I'm afraid her low self esteem might keep her from really trying.

So, yes I understand where you are coming from. It's hard to parent when no one taught us. But that doesn't mean we don't have something to contribute. We have a history that tells us exactly how damaging not listening can be. We know what it does to a person and how they can carry it with them throughout their lives. With that said, it's hard not to parent exactly as our parents treated us. It's like a hardwiring or something. But it can be changed with conscious effort.

But first before any of that can happen, you have to come to terms with your past and how you were treated. I found that dealing with neglect is very similar to dealing with any other kind of trauma. You get angry, you over analyze, and go through a grieving process of what could have been. Once that is over, it's easier to read about neglect and how to parent your child without doing that. It's easier not to dwell in your own past about it and move forward with the next generation.

I have constant fear that I'm not doing good enough. I'm on the computer a lot. I'm in my head a lot. How many times did I miss something important to them? I have talks with my oldest often. I tell her that sometimes I miss stuff. I need her to communicate what she needs simply. Don't make me guess and to only discover it way too late. So we have lots of frank conversations. She knows I have shortcomings. But she also knows that I love her and want to support her on what she thinks will help her. I may have suggestions but she can dismiss them as long as she has some sort of solution that fits within certain parameters.

I'm rambling...Just want you to know that I constantly struggle with this. I constantly second guess what I'm doing.

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

Thank you for your openness and honesty - both of you :) @rightkindofme and @Nam

I don't have any children yet - but as a (grown up) daughter of parents who had their own struggles, the only thought I have to add at the moment is .. Wow, we ALL are imperfect, we all have our traumas, we all have our moments of bad judgment, etc. My parents and I are still working things through; figuring out the whole "adult" relationship thing. I think keys include honesty and openness and a willingness to both ask for forgiveness where appropriate (!) and GIVING it freely when asked (even if full reconciliation isn't always possible) ...

It is amazing how much grace the human heart can give - including by children who might have been wounded by their imperfect parents. :) :hug:

My hat's off to you (and most everyone I've met so far on this site!) .. SO much room to grow and learn to love in the best ways we can ....

:inlove:

~S2B

 

[Rumors]

I worry my best isn't enough as well. That is why I go to therapy. I have had to learn how to parent on the fly. It is scary, but I have discovered if I just keep the communication flowing, we can work through anything. Sometimes I have to hear things that I don't necessarily want to hear, but I need to hear. I really wish that I had gotten straight in my head before I had my kid, but none the less I am thankful for the opportunity to be his mom and learn those skills now.

 

[ghotiff]

They don't act like I did as a kid and that is really hard for me.

I so hear you on this. I have no good frame of reference since my kids are post my trauma age.

I feel more ashamed of myself as time goes on. I understand why people had such huge problems with me. I was a really big jerk-face. I was harsh, mean, aggressive, violent, and sexually aggressive.

I feel shame because I did the opposite. I curled over and was passive in an attempt to protect myself. I don't know but I wonder if the shame you feel is being targeted to this because it feels safer than letting the shame sit more where it truly is. This is heavily biased from my own thoughts and I could be way off.

 

[rightkindofme]

I feel shame because I did the opposite. I curled over and was passive in an attempt to protect myself. I don't know but I wonder if the shame you feel is being targeted to this because it feels safer than letting the shame sit more where it truly is. This is heavily biased from my own thoughts and I could be way off.

Well, most of the shame I feel is because I was a predator. I didn't know it at the time. I just thought I was being a "good little girl" like my father wanted. Now I know I raped people. I feel sad that I was taught to be that kind of kid, but I think it was horrifying that *I* did those actions.

 

[garden]

"I'm scared that my best won't be good enough."

I relate. I'm scared too. I try to think about my childs life and periodically I assess whether or not she experiences enough pleasure, or enough of my attention, or enough time with her friends, or enough new books to read, it's never ending. I'm always wondering if I'm doing, giving, and being enough for her. I did not have an upbringing that taught me how to be a good parent, and it's a constant struggle filled with doubt, fear, and shame.

She is a smart, well adjusted, and outgoing. People comment on her fearlessness. I am often dumbfounded and relieved at the same time when I realize that she is so amazing and happy. Despite me.

 

[ghotiff]

Well, most of the shame I feel is because I was a predator. I didn't know it at the time. I just thought I was being a "good little girl" like my father wanted. Now I know I raped people. I feel sad that I was taught to be that kind of kid, but I think it was horrifying that *I* did those actions.

That's a very unfair additional burden you were given by your father.