Lightandtunnel93
New Here
Hey folks,
I'm a 23yo male and basically my whole life is nothing but dwelling in a schizo-abyss full of pain and panic and godlessness, though i still believe that things will turn out better, sloooooowly.
As a young boy it took not long before I realized my screen turned to black. I can somewhere recall life and myself having fun and being a healthy loved and loving boy doing things for the good sake of it but around the age of 4-5, as I said, the screen turned black.
My dad used to be excessively violent, both physically and mentally.
The effect of neglecting and abusing a child that wants love was a huge supplier for him, it made him (feel) very powerful and me totally worthless and stupid. I guess the idea of coming home after work to abreact on his children was a huge relief, be it counterfeit, for him.
Whenever he hitted throughout the days they were such deliberate godless attacks that most of the times I kicked my legs in the wild because of the pain, or fainted, or stood at my moms bed trying to wake my mom because i wanted to say its over. All in all the effects were severe headaches, stomach cramps and onandon soulripping panic attacks and feeling big problems with love. My youth is stolen away and till this day I have no/very very low real joy in things.
I can recall being blown cigarettesmoke in my face for the enjoyment of it, just to be 'saved' and being worried of by the one who did this to me to describe a sick situation.
That in combo with a mother who tried to keep the things together, our house was a sick pit from hell full of cigarettesmoke and thunder and Im glad to never enter this again.
I practically do not know better than having fullblown OCD, seeking a revenge that makes my teeth grind and seeking all kinds of escapes to sooth this childhoodtrauma.
Whenever I genuinely feel like hey I'm doing fine, its a matter of time before its being stolen from me and its basically just totally messed up.
I am very angry about what happened to me and its a year now since i left house. Some air has come through and its an intense ride. To not think of the past and focus on present and whats to come is something I understand, but my whole personality and 'being me' is somewhere down the drain, and I guess it must take a while before it comes back.
I want to confront my dad with this but his house is so blank of cigarettesmoke that its a trigger for me and i almost faint when i come there and i suspect him of knowing this. I hope the Lord righteously will deal with this.
But as I said, I think things will be better. Its just a thing I have to go through and I feel hints of restorement. I am waterfasting for some days now and I feel more peace at mind. Some pts is coming up but somehow its more placeable.
Its sick how parents can do such cruel things to their children, when I read stories of sexual abuse and stuff its beyond sick. To not raise your children perfectly is totally understandable but to treat your children as a bag you can kick against is totally messed up.
To all sufferers of PTSD I hope you will stay on a good path and that you will do the right things and that there is always help for you.
X
I'm a 23yo male and basically my whole life is nothing but dwelling in a schizo-abyss full of pain and panic and godlessness, though i still believe that things will turn out better, sloooooowly.
As a young boy it took not long before I realized my screen turned to black. I can somewhere recall life and myself having fun and being a healthy loved and loving boy doing things for the good sake of it but around the age of 4-5, as I said, the screen turned black.
My dad used to be excessively violent, both physically and mentally.
The effect of neglecting and abusing a child that wants love was a huge supplier for him, it made him (feel) very powerful and me totally worthless and stupid. I guess the idea of coming home after work to abreact on his children was a huge relief, be it counterfeit, for him.
Whenever he hitted throughout the days they were such deliberate godless attacks that most of the times I kicked my legs in the wild because of the pain, or fainted, or stood at my moms bed trying to wake my mom because i wanted to say its over. All in all the effects were severe headaches, stomach cramps and onandon soulripping panic attacks and feeling big problems with love. My youth is stolen away and till this day I have no/very very low real joy in things.
I can recall being blown cigarettesmoke in my face for the enjoyment of it, just to be 'saved' and being worried of by the one who did this to me to describe a sick situation.
That in combo with a mother who tried to keep the things together, our house was a sick pit from hell full of cigarettesmoke and thunder and Im glad to never enter this again.
I practically do not know better than having fullblown OCD, seeking a revenge that makes my teeth grind and seeking all kinds of escapes to sooth this childhoodtrauma.
Whenever I genuinely feel like hey I'm doing fine, its a matter of time before its being stolen from me and its basically just totally messed up.
I am very angry about what happened to me and its a year now since i left house. Some air has come through and its an intense ride. To not think of the past and focus on present and whats to come is something I understand, but my whole personality and 'being me' is somewhere down the drain, and I guess it must take a while before it comes back.
I want to confront my dad with this but his house is so blank of cigarettesmoke that its a trigger for me and i almost faint when i come there and i suspect him of knowing this. I hope the Lord righteously will deal with this.
But as I said, I think things will be better. Its just a thing I have to go through and I feel hints of restorement. I am waterfasting for some days now and I feel more peace at mind. Some pts is coming up but somehow its more placeable.
Its sick how parents can do such cruel things to their children, when I read stories of sexual abuse and stuff its beyond sick. To not raise your children perfectly is totally understandable but to treat your children as a bag you can kick against is totally messed up.
To all sufferers of PTSD I hope you will stay on a good path and that you will do the right things and that there is always help for you.
X
