Undiagnosed Childhood Sexual Abuse... To Remember Or Forget?

[Confused35]

I am 35. I am married. I have three children with one on the way.

I believe that I was sexually abused by my Grandpa (mothers father) when I was a young child.

He gave me the creeps, I remember he would always put his hands in my pants, and pat my bottom, I remember him being naked in bed and getting my little siser and I to get in to give him cuddles. We were about 8 and 5 at the time.

This is all I remember however, I have always had nightmares.I don't dream nice dreams, still to this day. As a very young child I would dream about my mum sending us out with this man that she trusted, but I knew he did bad things to girls in the hills,..... and I was upset mum left us with him... I would have been 5 when I had this recurring dream.. Since then I only dream about people hurting the people I love or myself. Crazy murders ready to torture us, my sister being abducted and murdered..... me watching them take her... not able to save her (my little sister again).. always horrible horrible stuff... leaving me feeling ill. I hate having them, but I always have. I used to wonder what was wrong with me. I had nightmares when my grandpa moved to town. I was 7/8. Mum would come in cause I would be beating the walls screaming for help, I had bruises. She took me to the GP, he asked her if anyone had abused me.. she said no. That was that. I used to tell her daily I was worried but I don't know why. When he moved they stopped.

I had trouble trusting men, and stayed away until I was an adult.... still very carefull not to get into a situation that put me at risk, that they could say nice things and be nice, but alone they could be different, so I would never be alone.. ever. This lasted for years until finally at 21 I trused a guy. The next one I married.

As a child I did things... things I should not have known about..... but I knew.. sensations... my daughter is the same age as I was, she would never think of those things... ever.

I told my mum when I was 13 that grandpa did stuff... she had a meltdown so I told her I lied and she never spoke of it again. After that I went into depression and after a year I tried to kill myself. Luckily I did not succeed and decided to put it all past me and overcome it, move on. I did this successfully. Until now.

All of a sudden, Its back, its haunting me... the not knowing what happened... why I feel this way...

My little sister feels the same way. We both dont talk about it, but tonight I had a full melt down and spoke to her about it. She things maybe its time we faced this and found out the truth.. together.

Im confused. Im scared. mostly of what I will uncover..... I dont know.

xox

 

[oneandonlyMOM]

Welcome! I hope you find support here.

I think after 30 years you deserve to get this weight off your shoulders. I would consider that your little sister is relying on you to help her sort through her memories too.

The "not knowing" will continue to make you withdraw from any confrontation. I say trust your gut.

I am a rape victim. I need to face my past. I am only beginning to share my story on here. But it's a step in the right direction. I commend your honesty and I'm glad you have found this resource too.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

You have come to the right place for the best support in the world. I was abused by both family members and family friends for a very very long period of time. it has taken me 40 years to come to terms with that abuse and as a man I have found it very very hard to open up to others about the years of my life that I lived in isolation from the rest of the world. Finally I can after 20 years of mental "Lock down" admit that this actually happened and that I can't change the past but I "Can" control the future".

XX Laurie 71

 

[NovemberStar]

Hugs - I understand the fear that comes with gaps in memory. However - as my T said - maybe there isn't anything else - maybe what you do remember is all there is to remember?

The experiences you write about would be awful and affect a young girl a lot. Is it possible the memories you have are what happened?

I know I used to compare myself with what other went through and felt I had no right to feel as affected as I did as I felt 'it wasn't as bad as what others to through'. But our experience and our response and reaction is ours - and it is real and it is a big deal

 

[Confused35]

Thanks for the comments. There are other reasons why I think perhaps more happened than I know of. As a baby my dad was suspicious of my uncle (Grandpa's son) because he heard strange noises (from him) coming from the nursery.

As a little child of 7 I did some things I really had no idea about. I wonder how I knew what those sensations were like...... how they felt.

Also I am certain my Grandpa abused my mother. Her parents were both alchoholics.... Nanna used to acuse my mother of having an affair with her father.... your talking about a young girl of 8 or so.... Grandpa would go sleep in bed with mum, naked all the time.

He actually went to jail for sex with a 16 year old girl also..... serisouly this man was creepy. I love him, which is weird....
Probably hardest thing to deal with was when he died..... feeling sad over the loss of a man that I am certain did strange things.

I dont know, maybe that was it... but something within me tells me there is more and I need to deal with it to truly move on. I thought I had, but obviously not!

Not knowing is really haunting me...maybe nothing else will be remembered and I can move on, maybe it will and I can deal with it menally and move on, because if it did, the damage is done already, surely dealing with it will give closure.

Perhaps Im a total freak and a little bottom tap (which I hated every time he would put his hands in my knickers) made me cringe... my mum would say ' he's always done that' like its ok..... IDK.....ARHHHH....... This is so confusing.. hence the user name.

x

 

[NovemberStar]

My T says it's not necessary to remember everything in order to heal. You can only deal with what memories you have. More might come up, or it might not. I really do think our minds block things out to protect us - I trust that if i am ever able to cope with more memories, they will come out - if I'm not, then they won't.

I spent a long time trying to 'force' myself to remember - its doesn't work that way. I have gaps of events surrounding a baby sitter that looked after my sister and I. I remember him grabbing me between the crotch .. I remember my leaving the room and dissociating. I remember being very afraid. I have no other memories of the rest of the two nights he was there. He might have abused me more, but he might not have. I have had to accept that while my intense reaction to his touching me might 'suggest' there was more abuse - it's not necessarily so. Due to other trauma's in my life, he might have 'only' touched me that once .. but it doesn't mean I over reacted. It doesn't mean I don't have a right to feel traumatized. Of course, years later I might someday remember other things that might have happened. Ive been dealing with the fallout of PTSD for nearly two decades now. If I focused on what i don't know, I would go insane with imagining what might have been done to me by him over two nights - but it's really not helpful to do so.

I guess I'm saying to you - you might not ever remember more; there might not be any more to remember - and it's ok if there is or isn't. But what isn't helpful is to imagine or try to force yourself to 'remember'.

I hope you can seek counseling and treatment now, rather than wait for more to come up? You might find that with more support and treatment and help, you are in a better place to be able to cope with any other memories that might be there and ready to be dealt with.

I had a glorious 15 years without PTSD symptoms or trauma feelings. It came back when my city was devastated by a series of major earthquakes (one of which was fatal). That trauma rehashed old memories I had not remembered. So i am back dealign with more from childhood trauma. But that I hadn't previously remembered or dealt with some of these memories, didn't stop me living a full life for 15 years. I did the best at the time when i sought treatment for PTSD, I recovered to the best of my ability. I did not purposefully push the memories down or pretend they weren't there. I had a lot of therapy (7 years), and had resolved many issues and got to a place of full acceptance with the past - as well as peace.

So it is possible to heal without fully knowing 'what happened'. That I've relapsed back into PTSD isn't uncommon. If we have been traumatized once before, we have a higher chance of being traumatized again in the future if another traumatic thing happens.

 

[TwoDee2ThreeDee]

Also, it is perfectly acceptable to love someone even if they have betrayed you so deplorably. He is a family member, and it is fine to love him as a family member - it's also ok if you don't. We can't help how we feel. It makes it even harder when we are trying to figure this stuff out and are unsure if we can trust the bits and pieces that we see. NovemberStar makes some good points. Good luck and thoughts are with you.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Confused35,

Welcome to MyPTSD forum! :)

Having lapses in memory is not uncommon and the memories may or may not come back. However, when you do remember it is good to verify it any way that you can. Memory is tricky, but it is not always necessary to have recall to heal.

I hope you find the information and support here beneficial to your healing.

Take care.

Debbie

 

[Flyaway]

I started remembering and healing after I got raped and pregnant at 17. My family has been incredibly cruel to me for facing the truth and not playing the forgetting game with them, but I haven't ever regretted my choices to move forward with healing.

I understand why you're reverting back to labelling the abuse as 'a little bottom tap' - minimising is a coping strategy. I was taught to minimise obvious signs of sexual abuse - like being kissed inappropriately, or having my grandfather 'tickle' me inappropriately, or watching my grandfather repeatedly grab his dog and rub its genitals until the dog got an erection- and more, or having my much older brother and father rub their erections on me. All this was done in the open and when I complained or cried I was either told I was making it up/exaggerating or that I was upset over nothing. Because these sick, offensive, abusive behaviours were minimised I also learnt to think that way- I thought it was normal behaviour. I thought I didn't have a choice.

I've got a feeling that when you start to see your grandfathers behaviour for what it is (sick and abusive) and feel safe facing it, you might start to remember other things he did that are so traumatic you could feel it's unbearable. If this does happen, know that there's people here that will help you pull through, and great therapists out there who can guide you through your healing journey. As you heal, you will be better equipped to protect your children and break the cycle of abuse.

You deserve to heal!

 

[arfie]

When I tried forgetting the memories kept leaking out as night mares, all the way to delusional psychosis.

Continually reliving the past was not a great improvement on the theme, but... At least it was honest?

My current thought is of balance between the two. To be able to look back without staring.

Welcome to the forum, confused.

 

[Confused35]

Thanks everyone for your insight. I agree about what you said about minimising, his bottom tap was so regular.... I am mad that my mother let him put his hands down our pants, there is no way in hell I would let anyone do that to my daughter or sons. So inappropriate..... but he had always done it to her so to her is was just 'dad'. To us it was intrusive....

Flyaway you said about becoming equipped to protect my children, this is not something I worry about, im probably a little extreme instead. I alway talk to my children about 'the naughty man or woman'... explaining that they take peoples children (crazy I know) and that we dont know where they are so they cant play in the front yard, they cant run away from me in the shopping centre, they need to not talk to strangers no matter how nice they seem, cause the naughty lady or man could be a nice old grandpa, someones mother, a nice young lady... you need to be carefull. I have even taught them what to do if someone tries to grab them (something I saw on Oprah with an FBI agent spec in child protection).... extreme? lol probably, but children do get taken, most wouldnt know what to do in that situation, mine will..... When I was 10 we had a man driving around to small country towns trying to take children, he approached me after school one day, luckily my parents had told me about him, and I had the sense to stay away from his car... but it happens.. you just have to be unlucky.....

I watch people with my children, even those I trust most... for reactions that could be clues that all is not well....
Luckily my children seem to have adults around them that they can trust.... that love them in the normal way, not sick perverted way. Actually change that, my Uncle is a creep but my children NEVER see him, I keep them away.

 

[Flyaway]

I don't think you're over the top at all!!! They need to be aware! I'm really glad you have the insight to keep them away from potential family members that may hurt them... That's where most of the abuse tends to happen, it's rarely the stranger- but family, or a good friend of the family.

I think you're on the right track to move forward from this!!! Well done :)