General Christmas Card

[aj1]

That's just it, the ball is already in her court. I think after listening to the "Say Something" song I know I am just going to end up torturing myself with hope.

If only we knew what were real signs or coincidences... I am so torn, once she is on my mind everything reminds me of her.

 

[jd9900]

The only thing that has ever truly helped my broken heart mend is time, I guess if I am being totally honest. :(

 

[aj1]

I feel kind of ridiculous that I am even debating this.

I mean it is a harmless Christmas card, right?

Does she think I gave up on her due to the limited contact? But she broke up with me, so she didn't want me? She hasn't replied to the email, does she want to but can't? We traded a few texts about three weeks after the email and she said she would reply, but hasn't. I don't think this card will be any different.

Man I feel dumb.

 

[StarChild]

To give you a proper answer, I would be interested in the reason(s), why your previous relationships ended, and who ended it, the woman or you?

 

[DMerish]

Yes, IMO you are debating this way too much. However, probably everyone on this forum has been in your shoes at one time or another in their life so nobody's judging you. Okay???

You've already posted a few months back about the relationship, how it ended, why, and just recently caught us up on that she didn't respond to the letter you sent her and you just said three weeks ago she told you she'd reply to an email you sent her but has not. IMO it is highly unlikely that she will respond to the card as well - and you just shared your own premonition of that being the case with us. So . . . . what are you going to do????

Send the card? Or not???

Please, IMO just send the card. When you do so, you can give it the kiss of good-luck and/or good-bye then let it go! What's meant to be will be. There's a 50/50 chance she'll respond and a 50/50 chance she won't. BUT if you don't send the card you're going to keep wondering if . . . . IF I HAD JUST SENT THE CARD WOULD SHE HAVE RESPONDED?

So, just send the card and deal with the future when it happens.

 

[aj1]

@SweetLullaby to be honest, I have avoided relationships. I have been the one to push someone away. But I would say it has been 50/50. The last few years I always felt like I was never looked at as more than a friend and didn't even try. This time I made a very big effort to not let my past feelings of inadequacy creep in.

@DMerish I think having read all the the different points view on how people suffer the symptoms, I just don't want to send a card and have it nnegatively impact her holidays.

 

[DMerish]

AJ,

From everything you've said, you didn't do anything wrong. For whatever reason, which you may not ever know, you + her just weren't a match for each other at this point in your lives. That happens sometimes.

Unless, you treated her poorly (and you've given no indication of doing that here) then a card like the one you described is innocuous; provided you don't have an agenda attached to it, i.e. you hoping she receives it and contacts you.

As I see it, you're still confused and need to uncover your reasons for sending it and your reasons for not sending it.

I just don't want to send a card and have it negatively impact her holidays.

This statement is the crux of the problem . . . it's you thinking you that you can possibly know what her reaction might be.

Why set yourself up for more disappointment? She knows where you are. Let her reach out if she wants to.

This ^ is the type of thinking you need to consider. The reason behind sending the card or not needs to be connected to a purpose that holds meaning for you. For instance:

Send it simply because you wish her well.

Send it because (if this applies) you know you'll later wonder in the future "what if I had only . . ."

Don't send it because you've already received indication (by not returning a measure of reciprocal care and interest in you) that she's not interested, and since she's not interested, then deep down you know you don't want to continue pursuing her and thinking about her.

Don't send it because you know (deep down) that you'd be sending it out of hope that when she receives it she'll contact you, and if she doesn't contact you you'll feel disappointed.

Know your reasons for sending it or not.

Don't base your decision on any type of fantasy of how she might receive it. That's something you cannot know or control.

 

[aj1]

I did nothing wrong and she told me that. She called me amazing when we broke up. That is the part that has confused and hurt me the most.

I honestly didn't have a good understanding of how the symptoms effect sufferers at that time. I had been coming to this site, but had not signed up. I read several other online articles. I was very much ready to give her space. I thought she would tell me when she was having a bad go of it. She had a lot of other things going on with her school and work, so I assumed that she was busy, and whenever I asked her, she always indicated that was what was going on. I think she had a really bad couple of weeks and I was trying to keep her positive and be supportive of her busy time with school and work. The last two times we were together she was stressed, but she told me it was all about her school and work stuff. I guess I got pushed out when the cup overran, and I understand as the other parts of her life have to be a priority at this time. I just wish we had a better game plan in place for when that happens.

I left her alone for a month. That is when I sent the email. You guys warned me the shorter the better, but I didn't listen. I worry that it didn't read how I meant it.

I would say my biggest crime in the relationship was blindly diving in 100% after she told me her story. I thought she would see that I was there for all the right reasons. I really was too. I still am. I wish her nothing but the best. Before she told me, I had never met anyone who was my equal on such an emotional level. We both were a bit shy at first but when we opened up, it was like looking in a mirror. I really thought I had found the one. I had been very ready and open to the right relationship to finally be the one. This felt like it on every level.

I think I am going to send the card. I think I want to send along a letter of my memories of our time together. Not sure if I should, but it fits the card.

I hope it makes her smile, and I would be lying if I said I didn't want her to reply. I do want to wish her well, and I will probably always wonder if I don't try at least one more time.

 

[DMerish]

I do want to wish her well, and I will probably always wonder if I don't try at least one more time.

There you go - Now you have your decision and the reason that supports it. I hope carrying out your decision makes you smile, it should ;)

 

[aj1]

Sent the card,

Wrote: Merry Christmas and wishing you the best.

You guys might not see me around much anymore as I think I need to leave here to help me heal.

Much love and support to all of you, thanks for helping me think through this :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi @aj1 , you probably won't see this then, but I'm glad if you wanted to you sent the card. And your letter, earlier, for that matter, if you wanted to.

This probably doesn't matter and is only my experience, but as the (a) person with ptsd I sometimes left with no warning. I almost always tried very hard to break off better relationships, I actually grieved a bad one I ended (for a long time). It really isn't your fault. Do not look for closure.

Also, you said the stress will be over with her finals being over, but frequently the stress is greater after the fact.

It's like there's only so much energy to go around, add 'someone who cares' and the anxiety and pressure of that can be worse.

If anything, many years later I can only say however the only way anyone would have made in-roads with my trust and ptsd issues would have been if they didn't over-react, and if they persisted. (I am not referring to stalking here, just persistence). Pride and immaturity definitely have no place (not inferring this of you) in a relationship with someone with ptsd (in that that will end up no-win, almost guaranteed), but no contact made it much easier for me to leave, too. Even then, I'm not sure if they could have convinced me. I would have had to be very attracted and to have really challenged myself.

Best wishes, a Christmas card would never make her feel badly, either. And hey- Peanuts, what's not to smile at? :)

:hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Just to add aj1, to have had a 'proper' relationship I would have had to be vulnerable, and that I could manage to keep myself from not being, and I'm also very independent. I do not know what 'allows' one to become vulnerable, whether it is trust/ time and or just being unable to be anything but vulnerable? So you see, it's really not the fault of anyone else. :hug: