Christmas Dilemma

[ThroughMyEyes]

Well, I decided recently that I need to cut my family out, but my mum has gotten back into contact with me.

She basically asked me how things are, how things have been, etc. as if she has done nothing wrong. She told me my grandmother and uncle gave me money for Christmas and she wanted to meet up to give me it. I told her I'm not sure that I'm comfortable with meeting up right now. She said she'd put the money in my bank account two days ago, but didn't. I thought, I don't really care if she does or not, I won't be pressured into meeting her after all she's done to me.

Last night, I got an e-mail from my aunt saying she's post my Christmas present...TO MY MUMS. Note: Every single person in my family has my address, I'm only an hour away from my mum's, it's not that they can't post it directly to me. I may sound paranoid but this appears to me as if they're all plotting for ways to get me to go to my mothers. I've told her I don't feel comfortable there and need space. Yes, Christmas isn't a good time to cut contact, but I'm over the edge, I really am. My aunt has continuously asked me when I'm seeing my mum. I've bluffed and said near Christmas day or something. My aunt is NEVER like this, I feel like they're all turning against me.

She's also told me not to tell anyone in my family that I was in the hospital for quite a while. She said that while I was there. I asked her why and she said it wasn't important. Me being in hospital, needing oxygen support and a drip isn't important? Thanks mum. I mentioned before she got upset when I didn't tell her I was in hospital for a few days due to me not being ready since she always stopped me going to the doctors. She didn't even come to visit me! I was there for absolutely ages and got not one visit from her, even my future in laws came to visit!
I honestly feel that my future mother in law is more of a mum to me than my own. She's told me she loves me, thinks of me as one of the family, supports me, etc. Things my mum has never said or done.

It's just hard this time of year to be without family...but I guess I do have family, my fiance's. I'm just confused as what to do about the whole 'going to get my presents' thing, do I go? Do I ask them to post it? I'm so confused. I feel that if I go, I might end up falling into another trap, but then I feel guilty, once again.

Any support at all would be great. I just don't know what to do. I hate feeling like this, it's so depressing.

 

[Kefira]

It's a really hard time of year to have to put or keep boundaries with family in place. I think it's really good you've been sticking to what you said, and doing so in as polite and non-confrontational a manner as possible. I'd recommend having her post the package to you, but if you can't or she won't perhaps you can arrange to pick it up with a time table in place. Like, "I can come by at 2 but I need to be somewhere at 3:30" (since she lives an hour away).

My not work for you but I find busyness is the best defense, even if it's a lie. I'm in touch with my family so my advice may not be the best. But I limit my conversation times and tell them in advance that I don't have long to talk. I always have an out when I go to see them, somewhere I can go to stay or someone I can arrange to see who's reasonably in the know about the situation. I also find that it seems to help everyone to know I have plans for important dates. I'm not sure if it's a compulsion of goodwill of some sort or if it's only for appearance's sake but for example they know I'm spending Christmas with friends and suddenly a lot of the pressure and fake behavior turned off.

Regardless I hope it all works out for the best. I think it's really strong that you're trying to do what's best for you even though it's hard. :hug:s if you accept them.

 

[ThroughMyEyes]

I'll probably end up having to go, so the advice about saying I need to be somewhere sounds good! I'll definitely do that. My fiance and I are heading to his parents for Boxing Day so maybe we can stop by my parents on the way for a very brief visit. I'll make sure he doesn't let me stay longer than the time I said I'd want to leave.

The being busy thing sounds great too, I'll just explain about my hospital visits and fitting them around work is hard enough so visiting and everything isn't really much of an option anyway. That's great that you have a plan when you go to see your family! :)

Thank you so much for your advice! :) :hug:s I hope you have a good Christmas and everything goes well for you too!

 

[KwanYingirl]

Boy, do I know how you feel. I did have a good family with my in-laws but my marriage ended and I lost them. But even my children chose to spend Christmas with them after the divorce. Now they are grown and have SO's to consider. The absolutely only reason I am driving to my mothers is to have a place for my kids to be with me. My family, after all these years of me not going to them, never even invite me. Believe me, the feeling is mutual.
Now my mother is standing me up to be with her beloved son who is a mere do well and she has pretended for 45 years that he went to an Ivy League college. HA! He flunked out his very first semester. How sick is that? I have three degrees and never even got a card from anyone.
Stick to your convictions.

 

[scout86]

Your mother has access to your bank account? I'm not sure how it works there. Here, I'm not sure that anyone else can make a deposit into your account without your signature.

I'm not sure how the mail works there either. HERE, I can go to the post office, give them my current address, and ask that mail be forwarded. For example, you can go to the PO in the town where your mother lives, explain that you no longer live at "mom's address" and would appreciate mail being forwarded to "current address". They;ll do it for a year. "Mom" doesn't even have to know, it's totally out of anyone else's hands.

At the very least, if you HAVE to put in an appearance, by all means have an exit strategy on the way in. But, it seem to me that your relatives should be respecting your wishes more than they are and you might need to enforce those boundaries if you want to keep them.

Good luck!

 

[ThroughMyEyes]

KwanYinGirl, I am so sorry to hear about your marriage ending!:hug: That's awful! I'm so sorry you have to go through all of that!

scout86, she said she'd just send it over to my bank, but she won't. I'm not bothered about it anymore, if I'm honest. I just wish she'd stop acting like she's perfect and that I'm wrong. I'm thinking of just changing my bank, my number and my fiance and I are moving and not telling my side of the family where to. I think it's the only way I'll ever be happy. Everything was perfect until my side got into contact again.

I like the forwarding idea, may need to have a look into that. It completely slipped my mind that I could do that! Thank you for that, never would have remembered on my own haha. Thank you for your advice.

Hope you both have a lovely Christmas, by the way. :)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

In the US a signature is not needed to deposit into another persons account. @scout86.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

If you're going no contact then give up the gifts. They've found a way to manipulate you and you're falling for it.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Solar a I like your new tag! I run down the rabbit hole when the shit hits the fan.

 

[seedling]

Yes, Christmas isn't a good time to cut contact

Or, maybe it is a good time to do it. Not have to get involved in the whole mess. Have yourself a good holiday with your fiance and start some healthy, happy new traditions.

Your family may think they are doing the "right thing" by luring back into the fold. Maybe they think it's good for you. You don't have to accept the money and presents, especially with such conditions attached. Of what value are "things" when you have the love of your fiance and his mother who tells you she loves you.

 

[Recovery4Me]

If you're going no contact then give up the gifts. They've found a way to manipulate you and you're falling for it.

I am in agreement. If you are going NC, then you have already given up your space.

If you are just trying to have a time out then make it your Holiday with safe love ones and not invite the drama. You can pick another time to visit of your choosing when their power-play is not on route to you having a wonderful time with people that you can trust. Building nice memories can be one art form of making wise choices.

Why be unglued for presents? Give yourself the gift of peace:hug: just for this Holiday.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

This is the BEST effin' time of the year to go NO CONTACT! Why? Because you can take joy in knowing that it will hurt them even more. Ok, so that's not what NC is about, I realize, but at the same time, I'd be lying if I didn't admit that going NC during the holidays brought me a *tiny* bit of joy. She attempted to manipulate my Thanksgiving, and I'm not putting up with it for Christmas. No, I deserve to be happy. She dug her grave now she needs to lie in it. I'm done.