Christmas: Emotional Numbing

[soulofLC]

That is very generous soulofLC.

Not generous at all Ms Spock. You are so deserving of those words, truly.

 

[lil_fighter]

I just found out my mother was in hospital for 3 days undergoing tests for suspected stroke. (other side of Texas, far far away) I yelled at my 93 year old dad for not calling me! Then hung up on him. Maybe I am getting better! I am laughing now! :roflmao: He is such a bastard, pardon me.

This seems typical of these types of people...they seems to like 'holding all the cards' and being the ones in control. My father didn't bother to tell me about my 36 yr old cousin's sudden death due to a car accident, I found out on facebook from my half brother and then when I did call my dad, he said he'd tell me when the funeral was so that I could get a plane ticket and go over there to the funeral...and I waited by the phone every day, did he tell me what was happening? did he hell.

Part of it is about making you look bad to the family, like you cant be bothered. But part of it (in my case) is about keeping you separate from the family at times when they know you will all gather like funerals etc., they are so preoccupied with 'silencing' you about the abuse that someone dying doesn't phase them. There is often a sick element of jealousy involved no matter how inappropriate it may seem.

 

[soulofLC]

Lil_fighter, I am so sorry you have been through this. You know how bad it feels. Thanks for relating your experience. I don't feel so alone in this insanity...

Get this...my mother called my daughter to call me to tell me to call her (my Mom), as she was in the hospital. Talk about triangles! My mom is a master of manipulation. Trying very hard to forgive her, since I know she is coming to her end. But it is extra hard at times like this.

Yes, it has been an ongoing thing with my family as well. Nothing new. I can recall instances where I was not informed until the body was cold. The new thing is that I confronted my dad about it. When I said sarcastically "Thanks for letting me know" he laughed. I asked him angrily why he thought it was so funny and why he didn't call me. He answered that he didn't know what to say. Well, neither did I so I hung up on him.

I would rather not have retaliated in an aggressive way, but I don't think there is a civil way to deal with him. Talk sits on deaf ears there and always has. I have tried asking for what I want with calm sincerity, but to naught. Oh, and how he loves to push my buttons. Mostly I stay clear of him, of them. When mom is gone, I will cut all ties with the lot of them. Happily. He can come to an end without me. How cold that sounds, but that is where it sits.

 

[mamachick]

Seems that every family needs a scapegoat, one to talk about, to blame, to keep little secrets from-like relatives death., to find fault with and misinterpret their behavior, even deliberately. One thing is for certain, if you look for fault, you can always find it.
Also seems like those of us that absorb all the words and actions have ptsd. Are we more sensative because we have ptsd, or, is being the scapegoat somewhat traumatizing.

My own experience is that being the scapegoat causes lack of trust, I know that moments of any perceived kindness are followed by boundary violations and attack and blame. I have 3 sisters, actually half sisters, and it is my fault we are half sisters as well. Not one of them have been there for me during hard times. Not one has gone out of there way in the past 30 years. For the most part, they have learned to tame their words as they have aged, but the resentments and hatred live on.

These people should not be taking up space in our head. Yet I know for myself, all the conscious effort to remove their negative messages have failed. I dont know the answer.

I am sorry for all of you who share the experience of being part of this kind of family. and being the scapegoat or target of their irrational thinking. Hugs

 

[lil_fighter]

When I said sarcastically "Thanks for letting me know" he laughed. I asked him angrily why he thought it was so funny and why he didn't call me. He answered that he didn't know what to say. Well, neither did I so I hung up on him.

You see, people like that tend to have an answer for everything but there are times when even they dont have an answer to justify their strange behaviour.

Oh, and how he loves to push my buttons.

He has buttons you can push too, it's a matter of finding out which ones. I understand what you're saying about cutting contact with all of them eventually and no, it's not cold, it's self protection and he is the one with the issues, not you.

brat 17,

These people should not be taking up space in our head.

Can I get an Amen?...Amen to that! seriously, it's weird how these people are like some tumour spreading quickly in our thoughts after any kind of time we spend with them..a phone call, an email, even worse having to see them..they leave a nasty a taste in the mouth and they are usually pathetic individuals who dont deserve the time of day..I mean if they were strangers in the street we wouldn't put ourseleves through it - it's the family ties that they use to manipulate us.

 

[soulofLC]

Thanks you guys --lil_fighter, brat17, for your support. It is hard being the scapegoat. Why is it they are in our heads? I want mine out! Yes, like a tumour that has to be re-extracted with each interaction.

Uggg, my kids are beginning to feel like my parents, my brothers. That is the most painful part. I hope this feeling will pass, because I don't know how to bear it. Perhaps I am just realizing it. Too late to change? So hard.

 

[mamachick]

If you met some of my family you would probably think they were ok, not great, but ok. Soon things would get weirder, like if your uncle Fester goes to the ER, the would be seeking out a room to visit him, and tell him how they know him from you. Soon you would find a reason, logical reason why they are not fun, (besides them really not being fun), and steer clear. Some of us feel a facade

 

[Stir Ling]

And my emotional numbing, I guess it is a protective mechanism?

My therapist agrees that, yes, this is your mind's way of protecting you.

My PTSD (Late onset complex PTSD) was triggered by a perfect storm of sorts: the birth of a daughter, a vile argument with my abusive father (about him leaving me a boat that was unsafe for my family), and then an armed robbery during which I believed I was going to be shot in the back of the head. This robbery occurred in July of 2009. My father did not bother calling to see if I was okay. I have not spoken to him since, and I have not been to my parents' home for two holidays now.

I told my brother and sister that I do not want our parents involved in the life of my daughter. They actively abuse me. When I was diagnosed with PTSD, my mother hoped that I would not tell anyone. They are also extremely racist, homophobic, hateful and paranoid. I have grown tired of keeping up the act around them, as it makes me angry, and I don't want my daughter to grow up with an angry, immature father.

Christmas, however, is an *extremely* difficult time for me. My wife says I "space out". My mind is flooded with memories that seem good. Others are awful. This past Christmas Eve I just stayed home with my (pregnant) wife and girl after dropping off some gifts with my brother (for my nieces). It makes me absolutely furious to know that my father is accepted or, at minimum, that the rest of the family will dance around him and put up the act. Nobody called me to see how I was during Christmas. I doubt they'd have ignored me if I were in the hospital with a broken back or cancer. Of course, my absence makes them all wonder what role they played. I have learned from therapy, and from following cases like the Sandusky affair, that people put all this out of their mind quite easily, that this is most likely a natural response to things.

The holidays were so bad that I thought about moving. I have a really good job. But this place really makes me depressed.

 

[mamachick]

Stir-I know how painful holidays can be when our families are the way you describe. I am glad you have your wife and daughter, I know they must be a blessing for you.

I can tell you that my events resemble yours, an assault(dec 16, 08) in home being the straw that broke the fragile camels back. For me, it seemed to make my family seem even more evil, or I suppose the inability to feel safe brought back the helplessness I felt growing up amongst the group. I had to stop all contact for self preservation. Even during better years, we didnt do much holiday stuff together, but I celebrated with many traditions that I brought to my immediate family who are now grown.

While it has gotten better, it has been a very expensive journey, and emotional numbing (dissociating) is the best I can do. I have found myself feeling like I am not me, when I walk past a mirror, I just dont know who I am anymore. I think this will pass as we resume post holiday normalcy.

Counseling has helped and I make an effort to be present in my body and feel/face what I am feeling. I hope you are seeing a T, as I do know that after such events anger is normal yet when we try to manage it on our own-sometimes it is just too much. Hang in there

 

[purple butterfly]

Stir Ling

This past Christmas Eve I just stayed home with my (pregnant) wife and girl after dropping off some gifts with my brother (for my nieces). It makes me absolutely furious to know that my father is accepted or, at minimum, that the rest of the family will dance around him and put up the act. Nobody called me to see how I was during Christmas. I doubt they'd have ignored me if I were in the hospital with a broken back or cancer.

This is so my story. My family all got together on Christmas day, without me . My adult children 29, 26, 24 dropped off presents to my much younger niece and nephews. The whole family was fussing around my father. I had no phone calls from my family for my birthday the week before Christmas or on Christmas day except for one brother out of three.

The year my husband was dying of cancer he had a multitude of hospital omissions, ICU admissions ,two possible suicide attempts. Absolutely nothing from my father and some support from my brothers if I made it absolutely clear I needed support. And no support since my husband died.

 

[ms spock]

My children are 29, 26, 24, I have said to them I am not trying to effect their relationship with their grandfather. They are however seeing the light which is interesting and are getting increasingly frustrated and angry with him.

This is at least some progress.

I feel like I have to justify my position to people (my extended family) who only know me as the "perfect, submissive daughter".

You don't need to justify yourself to your extended family. It might feel like it but you don't. I would suggest working out ten responses for terminating those types of conversations and then you be the broken record.

For example X says "I thought you would have been there on Saturday." So you say "How nice that you thought of me!" and X then says "Well Saturday was a good day, your father was at his finest!" and you say "It is lovely that you want to include me in family occasions." And X says "Why weren't you there on Saturday?" and you say, walking away."How nice of your to think of me and want to include me - that means a lot!"

One that works well is "Well seeing I feel suicidal every time I see my father I decided to spare everyone the pain of my suicide and I stayed away."

Another one is "I was abducted by aliens." You answer every query with that one and people give up. Generally they won't ask again. (I have only used this one in my imagination.)

You can answer a question with a question. X re blah blah blah father. You can say "Why are you being so mean and nasty to bring up blah, blah, blah father? I would have expected it from some of the others in the family but not you! This is so unlike you. I am so disappointed in you."

A simple "I know you mean well. But I am only going to say this once. You don't know what has gone on. Keep out of my business, unless you wish to damage our relationship. If another family member puts their nose in where it is not wanted I will leave." (For that one you have to actually leave, hang up or move away for it to work." If they try to get to you through your children just tell them that you way too upset to talk about anything for a few days and you will get back to them in several days.

Another one is "I was in therapy trying to deal with the terribly painful relationship that I have with my father. You were lucky he was nice to you. I have an ordeal to work through."

You can say to extended family to ask him why his daughter can't come to see him and can't stand to be in the same room as him. "Don't believe the lies that he doesn't know. Demand to know from him. I am sick of people asking me about it. If you have to be nosy then do it to him."

Another one is that "If people don't stop talking to me about him then I will just have to remove my self from the family until the time comes that the family can act like a family and be a little bit loving and caring towards me."

That is what I can think of off the top of my head.

Really you don't have to say any of this. You can just walk away if you feel someone is asking you to justify your self and say "I am hanging up now!" and hang up if they ring you up.

You don't have to be the victim of their questions. You can walk, ride, skip, jump, roll or run away.

My father doesn't need to justify himself... My father doesn't understand what is happening so I guess in a sense he sees himself as the victim. I think my brothers have tried to give him some information on trauma. But I can't even even talk to him to explain.

I find it hard to believe that your father doesn't know what is going on. He will play the victim to get attention though.

A victim of abuse doesn't have to justify, look after, take on the issues of the abuser. It is not your problem.

He is elderly 81, my mother's sister said she hopes we can reconcile our differences, she thinks he will "drop off his perch soon" (her words) . In all this I keep thinking what about me , he seems to have this greouo around him that tries to protect him but I need to justify my actions.

You say if any one asks me to justify my self I will leave.

You could start giving them lots of books on various forms of abuse as well.

How does that work??

We support abusers in our culture.

And as the scapegoat we take on the role we have been trained since birth to fulful.
The family will become quite brutal about putting you in the scapegoat/punching bag role - so only start answering back and walking away when you are ready to deal with the backlash.

The other thing is to put a paper bag on your head. When you are asked "Why have you put a paper bag on your head?" you can say "When you ask inappropriate and nosy questions I will put the paper bag on my head so you get a clear signal that that conversation is intrusive and unwanted. As none of you have picked up my more subtle clues and nuances. "

 

[ms spock]

This is so my story. My family all got together on Christmas day, without me . My adult children 29, 26, 24 dropped off presents to my much younger niece and nephews. The whole family was fussing around my father. I had no phone calls from my family for my birthday the week before Christmas or on Christmas day except for one brother out of three.

The year my husband was dying of cancer he had a multitude of hospital omissions, ICU admissions ,two possible suicide attempts. Absolutely nothing from my father and some support from my brothers if I made it absolutely clear I needed support. And no support since my husband died.

It is really hard to be the garbage bin of the family. The neglected and abandoned child on whom everything can be take out on.

my events resemble yours... being the straw that broke the fragile camels back. For me, it seemed to make my family seem even more evil, or I suppose the inability to feel safe brought back the helplessness I felt growing up... I had to stop all contact for self preservation.

Yes I had to stop all contact for self preservation. It is not easy. Neither path is easier.

emotional numbing (dissociating) is the best I can do. I have found myself feeling like I am not me,

*nods* Have you found you? What makes up you? Do you know? I so relate to the disassociation.

when I walk past a mirror, I just dont know who I am anymore.

I am finding it so disturbing lately that I don't really know who I am. I am relieved to read that someone else doesn't know how they are any more either. I was feeling like I must be really weird.

Counseling has helped and I make an effort to be present in my body and feel/face what I am feeling.

Being present is very brave. It seems to be taking me a tremendous amount of time to learn.

I hope you are seeing a T, as I do know that after such events anger is normal yet when we try to manage it on our own-sometimes it is just too much.

It is too much. It is really too much. I hope you have a T and some supportative people around.

Once again I didn't matter.

So I am feeling really let down again. One of my significant issues is being abandoned and not mattering.

I feel in my heart for you. I didn't matter and once again I didn't matter. I feel so let down at the moment. I so have the significant issues over being abandoned and let down. I didn't matter.

I don't know how we grow this when we didn't get it in the first place or had it and lost it. I just don't know what to say except you wrote a post that speaks to my heart, soul and body these last few days.

(in my case) is about keeping you separate from the family at times when they know you will all gather like funerals etc., they are so preoccupied with 'silencing' you about the abuse that someone dying doesn't phase them. There is often a sick element of jealousy involved no matter how inappropriate it may seem.

There is a specific type of emotional abuse that involves cutting off a member of your family or a child from other family gatherings. I can't remember where I read it, but it was interesting. I had not considered that emotional abuse before I read that.

You know how bad it feels. Thanks for relating your experience. I don't feel so alone in this insanity...

Get this...my mother called my daughter to call me to tell me to call her (my Mom), as she was in the hospital. Talk about triangles! My mom is a master of manipulation.

*looks around* Perhaps your mother is related to my mother?

Trying very hard to forgive her, since I know she is coming to her end. But it is extra hard at times like this.

Personally I don't believe in forgiveness.

When mom is gone, I will cut all ties with the lot of them. Happily. He can come to an end without me. How cold that sounds, but that is where it sits.

It is honest and realistic. That is a good thing to be with yourself. After all this time you finally are letting yourself off the hook. It is a good thing to my way of seeing things.