Christmas: Love It And Hate It

[Abstract]

Drew, Have you ever thought of planning something way before, telling everyone and not backing down and putting others plans before yours every time. Obviously this isn't going to help this year but it seems it would be good to look at it for next year. Leaving it to the last minute is likely to end up with you disappointed every time.

Glad you are looking at ways to enjoy yourself in the coming week or so. :)

 

[DMerish]

Hi Abstract - Yep, done that. Even did it this year by letting folks know back in late August, and Sept, and October . . . Two of my sons (maybe only for my sake - IDK) ranted about how they hated the scene also, how they coughed for days after going (they all smoke; my son's et al do not), and how they felt obliged and verbally pressured with guilt (by their dad) into going each year.

A few years back I planned things at my place, everyone was here, five family members flew in from out of state. We were just sitting down to eat when the ex showed up at my door, guilted the kids into getting in their cars and going to grandma's, then sleeping at the ex's home a few days. They only slept at his home two other times in their lives (he didn't have time for them) one of other times was the other xmas that my family came to be with all of us.

I'm done with it. I have to figure out a way to wrap my mind around doing things with out them. I feel like it has to be a black-and-white thing with me, really bury it, learn to do something else by myself or with others and how to enjoy that. The whole thing makes me very aware of how one can't depend on anyone for their happiness.

 

[Abstract]

What seems so awful to me is that he is holding everyone to ransom and everyone works to accommodate him and always has. It also seems that they are emotionally blackmailed to give in as he has never taken time for them in general and everyone therefore makes accommodations for him when he decides he wants contact. I am sure he knows and believes that boundaries don't apply to him.

I planned things at my place, everyone was here, five family members flew in from out of state. We were just sitting down to eat when the ex showed up at my door

Just not acceptable at all.

I think looking after yourself and not depending on any of them sounds wise.

 

[DMerish]

What seems so awful to me is that he is holding everyone to ransom and everyone works to accommodate him and always has. It also seems that they are emotionally blackmailed to give in as he has never taken time for them in general and everyone therefore makes accommodations for him when he decides he wants contact. I am sure he knows and believes that boundaries don't apply to him.

You completely "get it" Abstract. He was diagnosed NPD. Although he abides with lower laws such as speed limits, paying his electric bill, not being in possession of drugs, etc., higher laws that would prohibit a person from taking advantage of someone else, using them, or blaming others for his behavior so as to maintain his sense of superiority and desires (i.e. social "rules" and boundaries, etc.) do not apply to him. He made his mother choose between having any type of a relationship with me and never seeing him and her grandchildren with him again. She cried terribly when she called and told me the decision she had to make.

He's sick. And I'm sick of all the going-ons. I feel bad for his new fiancé whom I've known 20+ years.

 

[DMerish]

Round two: Basically, family decided (without my input) that the only time available to get together with me is Christmas night after 6 or 7pm. If I agree, then I'll be alone all day* (waiting until I can be with my "blessed" loved ones). When/If we get together, they will already be stuffed with food. My grand-daughter and two of my three sons (and their wives) will be exhausted and burnt out from visiting everyone else, and cranky from the guilt crap my ex's family doles out.

Getting together Christmas night would be stressful for me (i.e. cleaning up the mess afterwards) because I have to begin working at 6am the following morning. Additionally, I had one invite to get together from 4pm to 8pm with some adult friends to play board games. I really wanted to do that because I need to work on re-connecting with friends and, in general, I need to extend my circle of friends, and no mess for me to clean up afterwards.

The plans my kids had made for this weekend (step-son's 40th b-day party with his dad's family) didn't include me. That's okay, however, they changed plans and are now doing the b-day party stuff over next weekend. Which, under all their crazy xmas eve and xmas day plans, I was beginning to think, "What the hey? We'll just do my/our Christmas then." If I had been allowed a "heads-up" on the cancellation of their plans, I would have planned something for this weekend!

I'm hugely frustrated :banghead: sad/sick :spitdummy: and on the verge of rage :devilish:

P.S. I liked Littlelostchild's suggestion and think I'll cook up several dozen hard boiled eggs, pick up a few packages of croissants and cartons of milk and orange juice on xmas eve and find homeless people to give them to on xmas morning.

 

[littlelostchild]

Drew, I think you should do what will make you feel good. You were invited to play board games which sounds awesome and a heck of a lot less stressful than entertaining a bunch of overtired and potentially cranky people. When I worked with groups of kids (and adults for that matter), I always wanted to end an activity while everyone was still having fun so that they would want to do it again. It sounds to me like beginning your visit at the end of a tiring day may not be ideal in this regard.

As a hint for your Christmas morning homeless feast - which I think is so amazing - you may not want to go out too early. In our city, the homeless tend not to be early risers.

 

[DMerish]

@littlelostchild - My DIL (of eldest son) wants the activity at her home. To me, that's understandable since they have my three year old grand-daughter - her toys, bed etc. will be close at hand when/if she wants them. I think it's easier that way.

I talked to DIL (of eldest son) and my middle son yesterday. It is the middle son and his GF's decision to go to one of their friend's home early in the day then to his father's that is pushing plans for us to be together into the evening. I described my dilemma. He said he'd switch his plans around, then called me back. Authoritarian like, he simply announced he and GF would be at eldest son's and DIL's at 6pm. I simply said, "Okay" - Technically I wasn't invited; I wasn't asked if I could bring something (to eat). I was just told who is doing what when, and also told if I wanted everyone at my place at 5pm for dinner today then that could happen. Well, no it can't. I can't work and make dinner for six!

I don't want to do the family thing at the end of today (they already have plans xmas eve) or on xmas day for so many (what seem to me) reasonable reasons. Over the last day, I've been thinking about just dropping presents off at their home, not saying anything, and just going about my own business. I'm afraid, however, that doing so may be met with my family's projection that doing my own thing was an act of defiance, not being with them when "they're available" will be another reason for them to support their belief that I'm a bad mother, i.e. their thinking what kind of mother doesn't want to be with their children on Christmas!?!

I'm simply tired of putting other people's wants above my wants/needs and being offered "crumbs" - If it were not for the fact that my grand-daughter is my only grand-child and they are the only family I have, where I live, I'd just say screw em'

 

[littlelostchild]

Hey Drew, :hug: I am sorry that Christmas is so tough for you. Here is my thought. Take the presents over to drop off and say that it is sad that all of your schedules didn't coordinate to make visiting possible during the holiday season. If they think that makes you a bad mother, then that is their misperception. You wanted to be with them on Christmas, but they didn't make being with you a priority. I am sorry to be so blunt, but that is how I see it.

You deserve better than the "crumbs". Think about how much you did for them over the years - now I'm starting to get angry on your behalf! :mad:

I hope you make your Christmas really good, however you choose to spend it!!!! :D