Christmas is a real hard time for me. The time I have to put on a brave face and pretend to be ok whilst melting inside while everyone plays happy (definitely not) families. I have to do this for my Son, otherwise I really wouldn’t.
Long story short. My therapist says the emotional abuse I experienced as a child was some of the worst she’s come across (I haven’t even disclosed all). Yet, she’s astounded by what I’ve achieved for myself and how far I’ve come. My therapist is the first person to ever say that to me - isn’t that sad?
I have to re-live this trauma all the time. I hate, I hate being around my family, especially my Mother because I feel so much anger when I’m around her and it just sends me into the deepest sadness. She doesn’t treat my Son the way she treated me, neither does any of my family, they treat him very well, I wouldn’t allow it any other way. It makes me angry - why did you treat me the way you did? Why couldn’t you love me that way? Urgh. It pushes me into some real dark place.
Today, I visited my Fathers house. Things aren’t bad with my Father, he wasn’t the one who caused my trauma. But he’s a very emotionally unavailable man - emotions are not in his vocabulary. He does try, he really does, he shows love through practical means. But it makes me sad too.
Nonetheless, I left my Fathers house feeling so sad, so empty and so lost. Why can’t I have a family? Why can’t I just be with my own family at Christmas? I feel so empty. I have a Son, he is my world, absolutely every reason to be alive, and thankfully, I do not resemble my Mother in any way, shape or fashion, and we hold a very strong loving bond. I guess he’s the reason I am trying so very hard to get on top of the way I feel. His Father isn’t around - well, he’s currently making my life hell (he’s in the US, I’m in the UK). He emotionally abused me horrendously - would you believe? I re-lived my relationship with my Mother with him, and that puts me at such unease.
My night terrors, re-living of such specific moments with my Mother as a young child haunt me. I really want them to go away. I’m in Trauma Focused CBT, and I guess it’s bringing up all the dirt and my mind has almost gone numb. I am not in a good place - yet externally I look well.
Does anyone else feel this way at Christmas? Or generally?
Long story short. My therapist says the emotional abuse I experienced as a child was some of the worst she’s come across (I haven’t even disclosed all). Yet, she’s astounded by what I’ve achieved for myself and how far I’ve come. My therapist is the first person to ever say that to me - isn’t that sad?
I have to re-live this trauma all the time. I hate, I hate being around my family, especially my Mother because I feel so much anger when I’m around her and it just sends me into the deepest sadness. She doesn’t treat my Son the way she treated me, neither does any of my family, they treat him very well, I wouldn’t allow it any other way. It makes me angry - why did you treat me the way you did? Why couldn’t you love me that way? Urgh. It pushes me into some real dark place.
Today, I visited my Fathers house. Things aren’t bad with my Father, he wasn’t the one who caused my trauma. But he’s a very emotionally unavailable man - emotions are not in his vocabulary. He does try, he really does, he shows love through practical means. But it makes me sad too.
Nonetheless, I left my Fathers house feeling so sad, so empty and so lost. Why can’t I have a family? Why can’t I just be with my own family at Christmas? I feel so empty. I have a Son, he is my world, absolutely every reason to be alive, and thankfully, I do not resemble my Mother in any way, shape or fashion, and we hold a very strong loving bond. I guess he’s the reason I am trying so very hard to get on top of the way I feel. His Father isn’t around - well, he’s currently making my life hell (he’s in the US, I’m in the UK). He emotionally abused me horrendously - would you believe? I re-lived my relationship with my Mother with him, and that puts me at such unease.
My night terrors, re-living of such specific moments with my Mother as a young child haunt me. I really want them to go away. I’m in Trauma Focused CBT, and I guess it’s bringing up all the dirt and my mind has almost gone numb. I am not in a good place - yet externally I look well.
Does anyone else feel this way at Christmas? Or generally?