Christmas

[Mach123]

I got up about an hour earlier than usual, nothing to do with Christmas (Merry Merry Christmas to everyone BTW) I was forgetting that it's actually here. My wife was cooking and getting everything ready and wrapping presents and she was miserable lol. She usually has no problems "not doing" the stuff she doesn't like, especially around the house but the holidays she just goes into routine mode IDK I don't get it really. I just try and stay out of the way.

I'm feeling very neutral about sex and it's starting to bother me a little. I have an appointment with a Urologist at one of the big hospitals in the city. I like the idea of it, going to see a doctor at one of those, makes me feel important? I won't feel so important if I'm sick but, last blood test my PSA had come down and I'm behaving myself a little better and I hope cleaning up a little is going to get me through it. I'm still having a little "uncomfortability" down there, but, I'm not young so, things are gonna slip here and there.

The whole idea of leaving her alone about sex is I guess the reverse or inverse of her blaming me for everything that happened? I feel like if I let go of the sex thing I don't exist. She told me recently in a "lucid moment" if she wasn't blaming me for everything she felt like she wouldn't exist. I get it. It's like a focus. You see the other person but not clearly because they occupy that focus mainly. Something like that.

We never did finish decorating the tree. Everyone just sorta walked by and stuck an ornament on it if they felt like it. It's really beautiful I feel like it's one of the prettiest ever, probably because I didn't obsess about it and we didn't have the tree trimming party with eggnog and cookies which was always a kind of disaster anyway. I just stuck all the lights on it (not all) and put the lights outside the house and that was it pretty much. No tinsel or garland this year. Such a mess. I got a couple small battery candles yesterday at the dollar store a two pack, last one they had.

The girls came out of their rooms last night (Christmas Eve sociable) and we watched "Scrooge" Allistair Simm (I won't watch any of the other ones) and I didn't cry, I thought it was because I had my phone and was reading this stuff and not really paying attention, and the Grinch, the original with Boris Karloff I won't watch any of the others. It was nice.

SO, that's it! It's in the books another year. I think, since it's vacation week and things are going so swimmingly I'll keep this up through New Year since we are going to keep right on partying and then, back to real life and diet and exercise and all that stuff next week. "God bless us, everyone." : )

 

[Mach123]

My wife backed down BTW on the garbage can but I had to fight her for it. It's one of her old tricks, saying she is going to "do" a thing but that's just a dodge to make me do it. So she bought this giant trash can so "she" could do the recycling. I stopped doing it since we moved. I do the trash. I can't deal with the way our trash company wants us to do the recycling so, I won't do it in protest. I could switch companies but, IDK that's like work.

So I'm just throwing everything out for now. It's not bothering me nearly as much as it should but it's such a pain in the ass to have the stuff all over the place I just don't have any room and I don't really believe they recycle that much of it anyway. It's just another scam about money, like everything.

So my wife's mad because I won't do the recycling so she goes "I'll do it" to shame me into doing it. Pathetic. When we were younger and she wanted me to do stuff she'd threaten me with "hiring some other man." That always worked lol. I don't let her beat me up like that anymore. She backed down and let me return the stupid trash can. It was really hard on me because I don't know how to win. 80 bucks is a lot of money. That paid half the bill for the storage locker which I went over there yesterday. It'll be empty within the week. That is a real accomplishment and is going to save us 155 bucks a month.

 

[Mach123]

So my wife didn't get around to wrapping my things and my one adult daughter who lives out of state said "sorry your gift is coming after Christmas." Then I helped my wife get dinner on the table so she couldn't ruin it and make the food all cold while Auntie sat there in the way then I babysat the rest of the day. When I gave up in exhaustion chasing this autistic kid around my house to stop her breaking everything in sight, and told my wife and her friends to get up off their asses and stop her and don't sit there bellowing at her, they didn't and she went through one of the antique chairs.

When I called my wife on this bs this morning she goes into kill mode. That's always her defends like her mothers she swells up if she feels threatened to scare away whatever it is and it works because she'll say anything. She starts spitting how she hates everything. I hate everything too. I don't get to say it though.

I had to figure all this out about her while I was trying to sort myself out. I still had to deal with her.

 

[Mach123]

I wrote a lot more out in that last post but I think I'll save it for the therapist. It brings up so many questions like "are you born to be abused," or "did I do something that made my abuser see they could do that to me."

Then I liked it after that. After what IDK because I don't remember. My therapist says "idk what happened to you." I know it points to a narcissistic injury from my mother which I sorta remember. I don't remember anything specific. Just everything lumped together and then my feelings from before I started in first grade. There was something really wrong I couldn't give up the baby stuff, I remember that.

So Christmas is not that easy though I refrained from just outright bitching about it because there's already plenty of that to go around. I can't listen anymore. I gotta convince these people somehow I'm not a ribbon clerk they can order around.

Auntie who is the stand in for my mother in law started on me again yesterday about "helping" her order stuff online haha.

I hope she text me and goes "what're you doing" fuking monster. Three adult male children refuse to have anything to do with her and she wants to start on me lol. I told my wife to have her "friend" leave me alone and she stormed at me and told me I had to "do it myself " then I'll get in trouble for telling her fuk off.

You can't make this stuff up.

 

[Mach123]

Christmas week. Everything is quiet. One of my daughters who I drive to her program came home yesterday. There was only one aid and 3 boys (20 something men). The aid is male also. Tory has her period which makes her listless. I did not realise the holiday week would be so deserted. I turned around and went back and picked her up. She can stay home today and tomorrow. I have to call and let them know. I don't do well dealing with them (anyone) but it's not so much like school. These people are much more human. Still it's attached to the state and lucky for us they help as much as they can which means pretty much custodial care six hours a day and the caregivers get a chance to do whatever. Life. But with both daughters coming and going it's a trial and it's easy to get nothing done but the bare minimum.

Everyone and everything will be off kilter till mid January, it'll take that long for my stomach to settle down. Wendy's yesterday, very naughty. Especially because the house is full of food.

 

[Mach123]

Happy New Year. The party is still going here. I'll stop eating apple pie and cheese or ice cream for breakfast next week. I still didn't get my Christmas stuff from my wife but, I didn't write her her poem either, (I was mad.) I think I'll give her a card when she gets home. Anyway the tree is still up though nothing is under it. That's my wifes' side of the family I never understood it. W used to leave stuff under the tree till new years and we took it down (after NY usually that next day) It was such a great tree and it is just getting fragrant the last couple days. Probably means it's drying out finally. It had almost no scent but was very fresh and chugged water the whole two weeks or so.

We don't do any celebrating, we have not done that in years. We never partied together I was thinking the other day I'm sad about that. My wife would have been too much for me when she was young though. I could never have kept up with her. It was a good year in our new house and our first holiday season in it. I got the storage locker empty so all our junk is over here now.

I still have some junk to try out, stuff on the smart tv and the iphones and stuff. It was nice and low key this year. Things used to get really wound up and I used to get really wound up and it was just way more stress than anyone needed.

This year is going to be good. If our health holds out God willing. I'm looking forward to it. We made a lot of progress and went through a lot this year (the move) and we did it. It was a tumultuous year for us. We are here still. We're together still. It's not nothing. : ) Thirty Christmases counting that first one we weren't married.

 

[Mach123]

I got a couple more Amazon packages today. One household item we have needed since we moved, the land line phones didn't like the new setup. We bought those the last time we moved, 2011 so, we got our moneys worth out of those. The new one had to have link 2 cell. It'll be nice if it works. I also bought a bunch of iphone/ipad chargers. We always need those and then I went back today and bought some stuff I've been going to Walmart and getting (or not) for years. I'm sick of going in stores and not finding what I want or have the thing I want (because it's the one everyone buys) be out of stock. I have to get used to ordering that stuff it's easier. I already paid for the shipping. All my stuff I bought was fine and nothing got returned except I bought an echo dot for Amazon but I didn't understand I already had Alexa on the fire TV or that it was the same thing. Put it in a box print a lable and drop it off at the UPS store. No lines. All week there has been people in lines at the mall trying to return/exchange stuff. They may close our mall permanently was a nasty rumor I heard this week. We'll c!

 

[Mach123]

I'm sitting here all blown apart by my reading here and my therapy and stuff it's good. It's difficult, but it's good. I guess I'll take the tree down but I hate to because it was such a great tree. I don't want it to be over it was really fun and I let myself eat all through the last couple weeks and my wife and I both gained about 15 lbs. Now I can be upset and obsessed about that. Back to reality in other words.

 

[Mach123]

The tree is still there lol. IDK why I'm surprised given the way things have been going, I am getting better and better at putting things off. : ). It's so pretty and it's still hardly dry. I need to find out our tree pickup day, I hope it's next week!

Oops it's today lol, well, that's probably not happening but since they can be dropped off at the DPW, another new experience for me I'll probably do that and leave it up till next week! Either that or the boss will bark out an order about it and I'll do it. I'll do anything but can we leave the mistletoe up year round? (We didn't really put it up but I'll ask her to kiss me anyway.)

 

[Mach123]

The tree is out and it was so nice and stayed so fresh and it had little buds on it. Ive never seen that before so we took a couple trimmings to see if we could get one to root. That'd be a nice touch if that happened the first year in our new house. I still have the lights outside, I did some more painting in the bathroom instead. I'll get the lights tomorrow. I sorta forgot because I was running around doing this and that. A lot got done. That's important. It was weird that we were "putting the Christmas things away" and it seemed normal, like we'd always done. : ). See you next year if we're spared, God willing.

 

[Mumo]

stayed so fresh and it had little buds on it. Ive never seen that before so we took a couple trimmings to see if we could get one to root.

That's lovely :)