Cleaning+ Zero Energy+ PTSD = Mommy Dearest Reaction

[Jinn]

One of the things that has fustrated me since I developed ptsd is the wall that prevents me from doing what once was enjoyable tasks such as cleaning. Cleaning used to be rewarding and made me feel accomplished. Now whenever I try to clean I either have zero energy to carry it out or I morph into mommy dearest where nothing is clean enough. I know that is the black and white thinking. So many things have been building up and I want to just tackle everything so I can breathe again but looking at it, its impossible to do in one day with my low energy level. I so desperately want to regain the energy and positive thinking I once had. It does not help that Im at work 10+ hours a day so when I do have a day off I just want to zone off. Theres so many things I want to accomplish. Before the ptsd, I used to have many hobbies. I used to learn a new talent like knitting once every three months or so. Now its a miracle if i clean the bathroom floor without getting fustrated. Is anyone going / went through this? I would greatly appreciate some advice on this matter.

 

[Farine]

YEsssss! I have this. It's a long story, but cleaning is a horrible, painful battle because of the triggers. Now the good news is that I do have some work arounds.
1. Hit and run cleaning. That's right. I take a two minute cleaning job and do it. Then I run away (literally). Lather, rinse, repeat.
2. Pay the children. Most of their help to me is helping to clean. I pay big time. THey are usually happy to earn some money this way. It's optional, by the way. The postive incentive is the money. And I don't impulse buy for them. If they want something, they have to save up for it.
3. Do it when I'm extremely tired. There's some numbness about really being tired that makes some of the tasks possible for me.
4. Call on the phone to a good friend and clean on autopilot. This one is a favorite. I can mop the floor and partially zone out (except for the mental part with the phone call..).
5. Invite my sister over. She knows this is hard for me. I help her with her situation and she helps me with mine. Helps when I've gotten kinda far behind and need to catch back up. She doesn't mind. Ohh.. and if you want to invite my sister over, she likes doing this.

If I think of more options, I'll return and post 'em

 

[Jinn]

Ahhh thank you! Just knowing someone else is out there dealing with this makes me feel better. I did push myself to think about why I was being so hard on myself and realized my ex used to criticize me for not cleaning even though his behavior was pushing me into a bad depression and causing me to feel too bad to do simple things like clean. I would come home and he would boast about how much cleaning he did even though things were barely touched. Little did I realize that his increasingly erractic behavior was due to his meth use. Tweakers will clean for hours without actually doing anything.
I chuckled at the hit and run cleaning. Its funny but I could totally see how that would be effective.
I wish I could call someone but since the ptsd had set it, my relationships have suffered due to me being introverted.
I did a mass cleaning that day and having things clean and in its place really helped my daily stress level. Waking up and frantically trying to find clean clothes, bumping into stuff and hurting myself, and being around dirty things was actually increasing my crankiness throughout the day.

 

[kers]

I am so all or nothing, too. And a lot of times, it's nothing, so the house is the pits. Farine's suggestion of hit and run cleaning is the only thing that works for me. A lot of times I put a DVR show on the tv, and pause it during the commercials to do one or two things, like take the dishes to the kitchen or clean off a table or fold the laundry. When that task is done (or when I get stressed out), I stop, and watch until the next commercial break. It's like a min-reward system for me.

 

[NIKI]

I find that listening to music will lighten my mood and I do kind of go on auto pilot with the cleaning. I sing along with a couple of great songs and before I know it the kitchen is clean.

 

[catjudo]

I think I'll give the hit-and-run approach or the DVR-mini-reward system a try. My house has become such a chaotic mess. I KNOW I feel better and calmer when things are clean, tidy, orderly. But at this point it's gotten so out of control that it just seems too overwhelming. Every day I tell myself I'm going to work on just this one small task and if I get that done the day will be a success and I can work on another small task the next day. It doesn't work. Nothing is getting done around here. And if I do get some small progress accomplished, it is messed up again before I manage to move on to another area. So frustrated and beating up on myself about it.

 

[Farine]

Hello Catjudo.. I thought of one more thing that I do that seems to help.
Donations / Disposition : The simplification created when I am no longer responsible for something. I don't have to manage it, move it, clean it, fix it or answer questions about it. My home has become easier to manage with fewer items in it. That said, I do like to pick up the occasional curb side find. I do hold myself back and really analyze my project schedule. I'm supposed to have knitted my cousin her shawl already. I understand about the frustration directed at myself.

Let me know if the hit and run process helps ya ok?

 

[catjudo]

I have tons of things around here that I need to either donate or put on craigslist, especially since I plan to attempt moving this summer or fall. I need to start purging. But even that task is on the list of things I just can't manage to get done.

I'll definitely have to let you know how the hit and run method works out.