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Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

Well I’ve been kind of grumpy because the new Invisalign makes my gums sore, but my body is adjusting and it’s starting to hurt less. It hurts most to take off and put back on for meals.

But I’m willing to deal with it for cool results. I’m self conscious about my teeth and went to a dentist for the first time when I was 21 or so, and felt embarrassed about it. Very embarrassed. There was a time in my youth I didn’t even own a toothbrush, and my little brother was the only one who got to go when I was little, and they accidentally pulled out the wrong tooth — an adult tooth — and my parents kind of didn’t do anything about it despite there being obvious long term consequences later.

But now all the cavities are gone, and the gums are great, and the teeth are white (didn’t take too many years, so that’s awesome) and now they’ll be straight too! Although Invisalign was slightly afraid to work with me and denied me at first because it would take more than a year to sort me out.

I’m very self conscious about it but maybe it’ll be fixed some time. My grandparents got them as a graduation present for me, so that was nice of them :) :) :)

My dad’s parents are pretty cool, which is funny. But it’s his biological mother who’s crazy, not my grandma (his step mom)
 
Three things:

(1) I can chat with people online just fine. But the moment they want to meet up in person, I panic and slowly cut them off.

I feel terrible about this and can't figure out why I'm still doing it. I guessed, back in 2013, that it had to do with Brandi, who would get really, really jealous if I started making more friends she hadn't approved of. To the point that when I made friends with a woman (who I will call Cheyanne but that's not her real name, but it's the one I got to know her under -- like how y'all know me as littleoc instead of R) who was in her 50s and therefore surely a safe friendship to form, Brandi was immediately telling me I was being unsafe and stupid. But I wasn't. I was being way safer than she'd been in her past (very long story, not Brandi's fault and a bit messed up).

I wondered for a while if it was strange, though, because after I revealed my first name to her she told me that that had been the name of her infant who had died (SIDS). But then I realized that she hadn't meant any harm in saying that and she legitimately believed in reincarnated and was hardly a threat at all. But I still haven't talked to her in a long time.

Maybe because right afterward was Rein or whatever her name was, who started following me around because she thought I was an adult man on a site where I never revealed my gender (just couldn't) and she wanted to date me, until she was told I am not an adult, nor a man. But at least she backed off after that. Said something about the way I talk being enough for her to fall in love with me, stuff about soul lovers, I sort of checked out before she could fully explain because honestly I was noping on out of there.

But now I keep doing it anyway, even though Brandi can't get jealous (or at least it doesn't matter if she does at this point).

My mom told me that Brandi was very jealous of my intelligence and that's why she made fun of me for it all the time. Makes sense.

(2) I found out one of my favorite singers from the 40s-60s was shot and killed by a white person, who was allowed to get away with it because it was assumed that black people were dangerous. Made me very sad. I don't think that's me being over-emotional or over-empathetic. Those people who killed him should have gone to prison. He was hardly dangerous. They said he walked too close to them. But he was just a normal guy, he wasn't dangerous. Why were people so thick?

Some people still are. I've met them.

(3) I keep thinking about Brandi taking credit for everything I would do. It makes me mad, though, so I'm going to wait to type it.
 
Okay, a fourth thing:

(4) I've gotten re-obsessed with facial transplants. But I've noticed that lately they're going really well for people! Which, ironically, has taken the horror away from the world a little.

For example. I found one of Katie Stubblefield (name sounds so familiar so I must have found this case once before in one of my previous "binges") who is now officially the youngest person to get a successful facial transplant! Age 18 she tried to kill herself. Age 22? A hard-earned survivor!! I'm really excited for her. A whole life ahead of her, maybe even so normal that some people won't believe she accidentally got rid of her face once.

And Dallas Wiens went from no eye sockets and no nose to a full face.

I found sixty other success stories. I shouldn't be looking at these, but knowing that some people get the happier ending they deserve, it really helps. It looks like a lot of work and dedication and it's still life altering. I can't see faces enough to tell one person from the next, but I still view faces as markers of identity anyway. I look at my own face and I still expect it to tell me who I am. I look at other people's faces, and even though I identify them by the sounds of their voices and the way they walk and the way they keep their hair, I still use faces. They tell me emotion, they help me read thoughts and be empathetic, and sometimes they have cool diamonds and stuff on them. Losing a face must be like losing an identity. It's painful and hard to live through.

I have a weirdly clear picture of how the doctor in the E.R. will look at you when you come in without a face at 3am, when they've been buzzed in and then see how serious-faced the EMTs are as they come in. And calling in the plastic guy makes him feel bad because he woke up ungodly early and then stares.

Anyway. I should stop there or I'll keep talking. Bottom line: I'm glad it works out for some people. I hope women with acid dropped on their faces by unfaithful husbands get it for free. If I'm ever rich, I'll start a fund. And for suicide survivors who missed but got the opportunity to live and know that their family would have missed them. It's not a burden to need help.

Also obviously my uncle is still dead and that's cool, doesn't hurt him obviously. But my cousin has hope, clearly, as does B, even though his memory is sort of shot (um, pun not intended) so he might not benefit much unless that can improve first. But there's hope!

It's the little things :) Sorry if this was dark, I was saying it because I feel it's gotten more optimistic lately for survivors. Modern medicine! And hard work.
 
I took Concerta and now I’m energetic and my depression is suddenly gone, even when I look at a hoarded house

Very interesting!

Unfortunately ADHD medications are $120 with insurance so that’s unfortunate

But my psychiatrist prescribed a new med that’s $5 without insurance, but takes six weeks to start working. I haven’t started yet :x

I wonder if it would work.
 
Well honestly it’s probably part of why my family members don’t have friends?

My sister does though, and I think having just one friend counts as being social anyway. Especially if you’re surrounded by jerks! Gotta pick your friends wisely. Doesn’t mean you have to hate everyone though, says 23-year-old me :P
 
I am depressed again, about the house probably. Nothing to do but look at trash. It’s depressing

Sent Sandy a text asking if they’ll ever film in my state again. Told her I’d rather burn this house down than live in it.

I should move out.

I’m eating outside in the rain because it’s much better than just going back to my bed, or near my bird who smells really bad right now (she laid eggs and keeps trying to chase me away :/ ).

Sandy won’t text back anymore. My mom ruined that pretty well. I should just move out and I guess come over to take care of Slinky’s liter box
 

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