Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

2017

 

[littleoc]

2018

Happy new year :)

 

[littleoc]

The pharmacy better have my meds tomorrow. I called them and then they said they did but they didn’t. I don’t know what they’re playing at.

 

[littleoc]

I didn’t steal anything this week

 

[littleoc]

Fall is when I treated the pedo as a friend. So losing a bit of color in the fall is particularly triggering. And all the death. I am guessing everyone here has dead friends.

 

[littleoc]

I don’t even know what to say to my therapist. I don’t know what the trigger even was. Probably because it was the threat of a shooting targeting gay people using the weapon that killed two of my friends, and the grocery shooting? And then a million things happened at once. Plus no meds.

I’m making myself frustrated. I just want to act happy now. I’m doing it fine with my mom, so I’m not sure why it’s not tricking my brain this time. It’s a valid coping skill to fake it till you make it. I need to accomplish something to get a boost probably. Maybe exercise again when the neighbors aren’t staring as much. Most of them ask me how I’ve been though. It feels exactly like they all want me dead, and all should be greeted so they can know I like them and am harmless. I am two polar opposite people and it’s confusing.

I realize everyone has conflicting views on the inside, I just mean mine are bothering me now instead of not bothering me. Wanting my dad dead probably triggered it. Frightening thought. Things I was taught when I was young. I hate my dad.

I don’t think talking is making me feel better this time. This is the first time I had a diary in the fall. I started in the winter. So surely I will feel better soon.

 

[littleoc]

I think I’m feeling embarrassed.

Sort of. I’m also trying to make myself feel like I matter. I don’t know why those thoughts are bothering me. I’m a very regulated person. I’m not usually a mess. I don’t know what my therapist meant by that but I’m not a mess.

I’ll stop trying to fix it now. It will hopefully fix itself. Without a hospital.

 

[Freida]

I’m very sorry (sorry @Freida) that I’ve been acting strange.

No need to apologize at all! I know it can be disconcerting when you realize people really do care about you and want to make sure you are safe. And that's where we are at now -- making sure YOU know you are worth keeping safe.

Was the main difference between Fungus and littleoc for Brandi. I probably should keep that to myself

No need to keep that to yourself. It's a thing. If fungus turns out to be a part that is more active than you originally thought -- its ok. It just means a different approach to therapy -- right @Swift ?

It’s a valid coping skill to fake it till you make it.

yep - that was mine for years. Until one day it just stopped working. that's the bad thing about mal-adaptive coping techniques. They aren't terribly reliable.

the MOST important thing is that you know we care. We want you to be safe and where you find that safety (home, therapist, hospital) is not important to us. We won't look at you any differently regardless of where you land. Because you are one of us. And we care for each other -- we care for YOU.
Yes YOU.
We care for our Littleoc :hug:

 

[Swift]

You absolutely matter.
And yep - not entirely a different approach, just more of the same. :)

 

[bellbird]

You are soo important to me, @littleoc . Your safety and wellbeing are the #1 priority here.

And yes, you matter very very much.
And yes, I will keep telling you this for as long as you need :hug:

 

[somerandomguy]

Thinking about you @littleoc. Sending good thoughts.

 

[ILoveLife]

@littleoc I'm sorry I haven't been around much, we kinda miss our timings now..

I'm really worried about you and I'm worried your therapist is not completely on top of the situation. Please call your therapist and let her know you're not "a mess", but you're not okay either.

You need people in reality on your side, but you've got to ask for help, ok? Can you promise me that?

:hug: