Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

I'm lucky mine has a far better memory than I do!

Haha, it's surprisingly useful! I'm surprised how well they remember! Having records helps, lol

 

[littleoc]

My new reply to anyone who tries to contact me who shouldn't be :p







source of image: I Miss You W Population World Population Current World Population 7505105633 View All People on 1 Page Don't Worry There Are 7505105632 People Left on Earth for You to Manipulate Delivered When Your EX Texts You | Dank Meme on me.me "share to social media"

 

[Freida]

OMG I almost snorted coffee out of my nose laughing!!!!

 

[mumstheword]

That is brilliant and hilarious @littleoc !:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::hug::hug::hug:

 

[mumstheword]

My youngest daughter turned 17 today. She is a very lovely girl:happy: Both my girls are. I'm a very fortunate mama.:happy:

 

[littleoc]

My youngest daughter turned 17 today. She is a very lovely girl:happy: Both my girls are. I'm a ver...

You are! 17 is a fun age :P

 

[littleoc]

I used to be terrified of any toy that made sounds. Music, singing, talking, ringing, --anything.

My nephew gets to play with toys that make sounds. At first I was afraid of them, but he kept bringing them to me. A dancing, singing alien was my sister's favorite, so he kept bringing it to me.

Now I am okay with most toy sounds. As long as they aren't too loud.

I grew up thinking I was a bad kid, because I was loud. Turns out I was abnormally quiet. My dad hated children, and wanted to live his life as if we didn't exist. So he barely fed us, barely watered us, didn't interact with us unless we had to pee (and then, as I've written, it was scary to need to ask him for anything). We werent allows to make sounds. If we got too loud while playing, my dad would run in and punish us, usually yell. If something dropped or fell down, we were toast. Turns out that's not normal.

I don't think I owe my dad a thing. If he tries to come to my graduation, I'm not sure what I'll do, but I doubt he'll show. Really, really doubt it. He's a piece of trash.

I didn't like him as a child and I am slowly remembering why.

 

[littleoc]

Why do people keep mentioning beastiality to me? It's puzzling. It even happens on this website, occasionally. Nothing that's harmful in reality, but... people generally avoid ultra taboo topics, right...?

This time is was a lab mate. We randomly ran into each other twice today, so we stopped to chat. I was on my way to the police station to turn in some lost keys I found, and check for a tag I was missing. (It's probably gone.) We got to talking about how great dogs are (my service dog has a graduation cap), and then she recalled my cats. Then she started showing me pictures and videos of her silly cats. It was enjoyable.

Then we started talking about the silly behaviors of cats. She said that when her cat's peak at her in the shower, she feels exposed. I laughed and agreed that their staring can be a little unnerving at times. But then she suddenly discussed her cat trying to lick water off her legs -- after I mentioned my cat licking water off anywhere it condenses after a hot shower -- and she said, "Is it inappropriate? Should I feel this uncomfortable? Is it beastiality?"

It was so bizarre. I was confused, to be honest. People don't usually mention that, do they?

I just laughed, and told her I get the discomfort, in a casual way. She probably meant it innocently. As in, just saying it made her feel uncomfortable because she wasn't sure if it was okay.




Also messaged a doctor with more questions, but she hasn't replied and for some reason that made me gradually afraid that she's annoyed with and doesn't like me. Which is ridiculous. She's a doctor. It literally doesn't matter if she doesn't like me, and frankly if she hated me then I'd barely know the difference, if she's a good professional. She wouldn't try to ignore my messages to make me feel uncertain. What good would that do?

I might be overly concerned about that because I was worried she had an allergic reaction to my dog. As my doctor felt my belly, service dog walked forward and licked her hands. I don't think N was being friendly, I think she was trying to make space between us (I was nervous and in pain, and pain is a trigger for most people with PTSD, or at least a major stressor, probably). My doctor said (professionally), "I haven't had my allergy shot yet this year," and so I removed N quickly (and gently). I have been working on not apologizing too much (it worked last semester! Got a replacement hairbrush out if it and a college suitemate who over-respected my stuff from then on) and so I decided, because I hoped N was just doing her job, that I didn't need to apologize.

But it kept bothering me so I mentioned it in a message to my doctor. Maybe my brain is convinced that she had an allergic reaction and is upset with me?

But that's distorted thinking. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that this doctor has seen patients who legitimately don't care.

Hm, hm

 

[Swift]

I don't think your doctor's mad at you, FWIW.
Maybe she's just respecting her own needs, the way that you are! It trips me out that some people can do that automatically, but they can.
As for the bestiality thing -
The thing about trauma is it's made me lose all sense of the absurd about topics like bestiality. To some people, intellectually only, they know there are people out there that do it, but it's so rare it's absurd to think about. You also seem to have a huge amount of empathy with animals, which probably means that you can realise that bestiality is emotionally distressing and traumatic, and you wouldn't joke about it, the same kind of way you wouldn't joke about any other kind of abuse.
People don't routinely joke about hurting animals in any other way.
I mean, a lot of people make rape jokes too, just because it's so far removed from their reality that they see it as absurd and therefore humorous.
I may be way off the mark, though.

 

[Freida]

When I email my doc it is usually at least 2 days before I get a response and that comes from her team. It's because she is usually totally swamped and doesn't' get a chance to check her emails on a regular basis. They are just worked to death.....:(

 

[littleoc]

I don't think your doctor's mad at you, FWIW.
Maybe she's just respecting her own needs, the way that yo...

When I email my doc it is usually at least 2 days before I get a response and that comes from her team....

You're probably right about the doctor :)

And yeah, I'm guessing it is just so far removed that it's absurd...? Although in this case, she looked genuinely uncertain if her car licking water off her legs when she leaves the shower is beastiality, like the thought of it was making her genuinely uncomfortable. I suppose if her family is really, really private, that would make sense? But I let my mom's cat lick water from my ankles when I'm out of the shower -- I just think it's funny. She must be overthinking it out of uncertainty if it's social acceptable? I doubt one could get off on that... I mean, I guess you could, but it wouldn't be abuse or beastiality at that point. It would probably just be self-traumatizing (but, really mildly) to normal people? *shrug* Odd.

I keep having suddenly flashbacks to the flesh getting sawed off in my groin. It's awful. I'm not sure why that of all things is bothering me right now... but especially if I lay down, when to sleep, I get an uncomfortable sensation of sawing roughly there, and the feeling of pain down my leg -- only the curiosity I had at the real event has been totally replaced with horror. I keep looking at it to be sure it's okay now... it's sore. No sign of staph or anything though. Must be a flashback.

Might write a post later in the rest of the forums asking if I should be trying to get back the childish curiosity I had at the original event. Usually when I work on flashbacks, the memory becomes more positive and then I can get over it. Hasn't gotten... more negative before. :/

 

[Swift]

The flashback sounds awful.
Generally with mine, sometimes thinking through them, I can make them less awful by taking the initial shock-horror, I can't think about this, power out of it. It's like they're radioactive, and I can decontaminate them a bit.
Going back into my child part during them... has honestly made a couple of them worse, for me.
Because even though the feelings I felt (curiousity, or trust that it would be ok, or longing for my abuser), are more comfortable than outright freaking out, they're kinda worse in the long run, because I get mad at myself for feeling like that, and then I get depressed that those feelings were there and they're not self-protective.
Maybe your therapist could help w that?