You know what makes me angry? That Brandi said what she did when we broke up. I didn't realize it at the time, but she was trying to keep power over me. She told me I could go be crazy with other people, like I was the one forcing someone else to live stories they were trying to escape from, sexualizing everything to the point that it's disturbing to read it now. She told me that SHE was done with OUR friendship -- and why? Because I stopped wanted to be controlled? It makes me angry. It makes me angry that she said she couldn't trust ME, that I WAS THE ONE who was constantly evil, constantly mind controlling her -- but I wasn't the one quizzing someone about what their invisible husband might be looking at. I wasn't sending constant messages to a Fungus where I bad-talked my "friend" and claimed I was only friends with her out of pity.
What a ripe piece of shit. I'm thankful I don't live half the life she is. This house I'm living in has been better than her life. She's constantly playing victim, constantly expecting sex and to either be cuddled or f*cked, and I feel disgusting when I think about it.
Don't respond to this post. It's supposed to be a relaxing time right now. By the time I come back I'll be chilled out.
I was trying to look up worldbuilding information on a character I created with Fungus's account, found some stuff I'm glad I saw. Brandi was no friend. I had no friends once Brandi walked into my life. I wish I had known. That character had been sexualized like crazy, something that WASN'T EVEN HUMAN. Made to feel not-this-gender, as usual. No matter who I had to be, I wasn't allowed to just be that. Brandi had to change it, to get power over it.
For f*ck's sake, the adult man I had to be. I had to have a past of being raped and sexually abused so she could get off on it. I just wanted to be ttreated like a human being.
I'm not even sure how it got so bad. The hospital records show "psychosis." But the issues with Brandi began more than a year before that. f*ck, I even came to the school after my dad tried to kill me, and you know what Brandi did? "Protected" me by telling the teaching "she's only upset because she has PMS." PMS. I had to STAY INTERESTING. I HAD TO BE MADE TO FEEL LIKE ANY GENDER I WASN'T. I have no idea who I am. Part of my brain still thinks I'm Luke, who's only job was to be so sexualized that he was addicted to it. He had to be hot, he had to be troubled, and she was going to "help him" with sex also? She thought it was hot? When she belittled him so much that he felt feminine? What do I do with confusing thoughts like that? I'm not even a man and no therapist would ever take this seriously.
You know what's weird? He wasn't technically human either. I wasn't allowed to be human. I had to BE her mother, and when I told her I wasn't she scared me so badly that I was afraid to speak up until well into my twenties. But I'm at fault? Why am I the one who was supposed to feel bad? Because I "took advantage of a lonely person"? No. You took advantage of me. You saw someone who never had the luxuries you had and you completely stole everything from me. I didn't even get to figure out the situation with my dad because of you. Why ban me from seeing my own father if I want to? How the hell was I going to make sense of it otherwise?
I can't believe she had the audacity to say that to me. But you know why she did? It's because she knew she could. She thought I'd believe her. She thought I was obsessed with her, instead of desperately wishing I could have one day where I could nap without Fungus getting text messages about how much your sex life with Jamie sucked.
I mean, this is several layers of f*cked up. She thinks I'm f*cked up -- and that boggles my mind. It's the signal that she's not only an abuser, but REFUSES to believe that she is. She's just a lil ole victim. Like always. Manipulative, evil, disgusting. I'm disgusted that I ever let her do what she did to me.
Also, I'm rewriting that character. He's not a sexuallized faggot. He's a grown ass alien who's ENTIRE PURPOSE in that plotline was to make Brandi less sexually interested in every other character. f*ck.
Well, now's he's completely different.
I can't believe I ever loved someone who would treat me like that. Like some sort of object. I felt so bad for her that she cheated on me with someone who literally killed baby animals (and adult animals) for fun. And stole several thousand dollars from her, leaving her broke and forced to live in a house filled with dog poop with that psycho who began realizing she definitely wasn't into vaginas. And Brandi was just trapped there because her mom assaulted her so she couldn't move back in with her own mom.
You know what, though? I wouldn't let that happen to someone else if I could help it, even Brandi, but I think she deserved it. Compared to her, I'm sitting pretty right now. I think that's okay, after not being allowed to ever find out who I am for a DECADE. And being blamed for it, like I was hurting her. You know what, Brandi? If you really believed you had an invisible husband, that's not my fault. I never said it was real until you forced me to. Not until you started going around the school telling older kids that you were a princess and if I disagreed you'd "die." How was I supposed to know that the demon in your head turning you into a bat was real to you? You weren't a little kid, smartass. There was something way more wrong with you than me. I was saving my siblings from being murdered, what were you doing? That's right. Telling me to finger you or else you'd cut yourself for being ugly. Making me watch you do everything while I was your literal slave and "mother" who wasn't allowed to drink water. I mean, for f*ck's sake, seriously? You said I was the disturbed one? Maybe for ever being near you. I REALLY wish I knew then what I know now. You're not someone who can be shown compassion until you're better. You suck it out and twist it up.
Actually, that makes me wonder why I'm even typing all this. She wasn't worth my time then. It's time she stayed the f*ck out of my life.
