Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

Long story short I’m doing my best but everything keeps going wrong. I’ve remembered that it can’t go like this forever and the Power above is offering support to the weird ass flat faced big brain ape that evolved on his planet that he obviously designed specifically for plants, bacteria, and a few fungi.

Also beetles. There are so many beetles that if an alien were to come across a random new animal, it is statistically a beetle.

Gd being a beetle would not only make a lot of sense, but it’d made me pretty happy.

 

[somerandomguy]

:hug:

 

[littleoc]

The first question G-d ever asked humans was in the Garden, “Where are you?” Adam avoids the question. So do like a hundred of his descendants.

Finally G-d asked Abraham and he said, “Here I am.”

I have no idea if there was an Abraham, and neither does my rabbi (she said as much when discussing this). But the point is that we (well, I, anyway) needs to remember that asking “who” we are is confusing and misleading. We are always changing and that’s the point.

Instead, it’s where we are. That’s the question to ask.

So. Currently I’m in bed typing on my phone that won’t fully cooperate. I’m learning to be a novelist, doubting myself big time. And I still want to be a scientist. And I am in the process of cleaning this home. And I’d like to return to my diet that made me feel happier.

If I wanted one thing, I’d want a job that didn’t leave me this stressed.

My new goal for this new year is to find work in a profession that better suits my future vision of my life. If I suddenly have to pay someone else’s stupid bills, I’d like it to be comfortable.

And I’d like to be assertive enough to tell my mom that I’m not paying for the landline that doesn’t even work just because she “isn’t ready” to let go of it.

It’d bring the Internet bill down from 111$/mo to 50$/mo, about.

And I’ll address the $270 cell phone bill later.

 

[littleoc]

The power went out and I think that’s kind of rude right as I get ready to fall asleep lol

 

[littleoc]

:hug:

Hugs back, dude :hug:

 

[littleoc]

Alright. Well last night at work I kept thinking I was seeing abandoned organs? Happened twice. Found a stepped on-grape and took a double take. Happened again when looking into the bottom of a trash can that had no bag in it. Then last night had a dream about it. Sort of. A Siamese twin was arguing about if they wanted to sleep on their side or their back, when suddenly someone took a scalpel and cut one off and told her she could now sleep how she wanted. She had an extra full-sized brain in her abdomen for some reason. Among other things. There was no blood but she didn’t feel well because of the “leak.”

I was breaking out in hives last night before bed and had to take medicine for it. Maybe it effected my dreams, too. :confused:

Anyway. Happy December y’all

 

[littleoc]

I looked it up in a dream guide — yes, I know those aren’t science, lol.

Anyway, it suggests I have an internal issue. Seems legit, actually.

But not completely. But hey, no one cares lol

 

[littleoc]

I did a body self-scan and noticed that my gallbladder is pretty distended. Too bad the doctor wants to see me but can’t yet...

But anyway, on the bright side, this should calm my OCD/paranoia thoughts that my dreams are going to somehow hurt someone else. If it’s just my subconscious “thinking” about my own self, then it definitely has no supernatural power to hurt others.

Which I knew logically from the start. OCD doesn’t care about what the thinking part of my brain has to say about this issue ?‍

 

[bellbird]

Happy December, friend!
Hope your doctor can see you about your gallbladder soon.
Keep taking good care of you. You're the best. Sending hugs and positive thoughts, always ❤

 

[Freida]

Any chance your doctor is attached to a hospital practice? if so you might see if the hospital social worker can help with the med costs to get you in to see someone.

 

[littleoc]

Happy December, friend!

Thank you, you too!!!

You're the best. Sending hugs and positive thoughts, always

Right back at you ? ?

Any chance your doctor is attached to a hospital practice? if so you might see if the hospital social worker can help with the med costs to get you in to see someone.

Yeah, she’s part of a huge hospital that famously has a lot of money lol (I am not going to bother verifying if that’s true in 2019)

So theoretically the hospital should be willing to forgive at least some debt, where reasonable?

The social worker said she couldn’t quite help me but I that should file for the open enrollment?

Honestly my main bright side currently is that Trumpcare f*cking demolished that dumbass tax of 650$ or 2% of income “whichever is highest” for Americans without insurance and I felt so relieved at this great news that I told my case worker that for once I’m happy the dude’s done a thing (was it even technically him?) and dude cracked up and immediately told me about how much he hates his racist ass. It was a fun visit honestly

I started that paragraph with the same word at the start and end so obviously I’m kind of tired, but I’ll be sure to schedule a time to figure this all out. At this point it may actually be worth it to go into a bit of medical debt and fix the damage to my credit next year? No idea! My symptoms keep going from nothing to Very Something so it’s a little hard to decide if it’s important yet. I’m going to assume not until I turn yellow, I suppose! Which I won’t. So when I’m not so tired I’ll plan something much more realistic/reasonable.

 

[littleoc]

I was at the police station to get a record of the incident for my own records (even though it probably won’t be used in the investigation by the car insurance people?) and I noticed that that city’s police officers have the nicest police boats I have EVER seen, and I want a retired one :’(

One day I might have a lil boat. Or I can just rent one occasionally, that will probably make more sense. Mine won’t be a police boat, though. I imagine that sucks some days.

Also also my little brother’s friend died while he was texting her — he doesn’t know how she died officially (hasn’t been told) but *knows* it was a suicide. I want to check and make sure he’s okay but I think I’ll give him a day.

I did send him a picture of my Halloween flamingo in his hat so he at least knows in thinking about him.

She was twenty-two. She is at peace now.