Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[ILoveLife]

Brain shutting down has happened quite a bit this week.

Me too.
And time moving faster, burned rice because of that just now.
Not sure what it is about.

 

[Freida]

I still worry I’ll end up like my dad, using emotions to manipulate and show fake kindness to get victims.

I'm fairly certain this will not happen. Why am I certain? Because the idea of being like your dad bothers you. I'm guessing his behavior or how he treated people never bothered him. It was just how he was. He may even have found pleasure in getting away with it. You? worry about it. That shows me you know his behavior is wrong and you never want to repeat it

If I wake up and start to feel like my identify is not only false, but that I am being protected with an assigned identity change from someone or something very dangerous, I know that I am overwhelmed.

I get this. When I get overwhelmed I see ghosts. yep. ghosts. I have for a long time, but it wasn't until I started with the whole ptsd treatment thing that I realized why. Self protection technique.

I did manage a full meal today

good girl!

 

[littleoc]

Oh, okay

I'll get to those one day :D

:dead::tup:

 

[somerandomguy]

:eek::roflmao:
Oh no, here's one more!!

 

[littleoc]

The smell and the fact that they exist prove me that they're alive. All other behaviors are just further proof that I shouldn't eat.

So, either we're both looneys or we're onto something. :confused:

I get this. I'm glad I'm not alone. You weren't here yet for it (and I am not wanting you to go back and look, either :P) but I was feeling like a freak a lot for crying when I pealed potatoes, boiled carrots, whatever.

I'm trying to calm myself about it by reminding myself that they don't feel pain like I do, don't think in the way a human does..

I think part of the problem was that Fungus lived his life as other organisms, all the time, and preferred plants because they're weird Earth-only commodities that took over Earth long before any other creature dared to (except for actual fungi). He knows way more about the subject than I'd like to admit. I have very intricate timelines of species more significant, and way more successful, than anything else (especially dinosaurs and bivalves). There were "dinosaurs" of the plants that were longer lasting than anything on Earth now. How long has grass existed? Longer than humans have. But compared to the fern-tree? Not even a fraction of the success. Not even a little dot.

If climate change hadn't happened, they'd still be here. And also, humans probably wouldn't exist. Plants are the most successful species and have shaped our ability to exist... but now I'm definitely rambling. Oops.

But anyway, it got me thinking what it's like to be a plant, and so I tried to figure it out -- mostly because Fungus had to know because it was part of his existence. Not that he's another personality but he sort of needed to know. So I did stuff in the lab and now we're here.

I'd already been pretty sensitive to them though. Used to freak my mom out. I had trouble doing yard work because of it as a child, and apparently right after 9/11 (which f*cked me up for obvious reasons, though I was young -- 5 years old I believe) I started telling my mom about the ghost of a hemlock tree my dad had cut down without her permission. I apparently told her I could see it at night, trying to grow new limbs even though the ghost of it was still lying on the ground. I remember the dreams and seeing the tree in the front yard after it had already been removed, but I didn't know I had told her about it.

I like wasps too. My family thinks I'm crazy.

Finally! Everyone here says I'm insane, lol

But they're so sweet (unless you freak them out)

Remember that you are an animal. Most animals don't care about eating other things. We just have these big brains that make everything more difficult sometimes.

That's true.

Animals have to eat other life to get life. Sad fact.

I just want you to know that you are someone that plants want to nourish and that they love you, like lots of us here love you.

I dunno... I do appreciate this thought, and I tried to entertain it since you've said it. But it just won't sit with me. Probably the lab results that showed me that they really "cared" about surviving. My professor told me to stop humanizing them, and realize that they live plant lives, not human lives, but my professor also said that this made plants just as validly feeling as us. We'd just have a hard time understanding.

I have plants that I do love more than others, because they're my houseplants. I'm always rescuing things... I found a tropical plant that should have been away from water and light, sitting outside after a day of storms, in direct sunlight, abandoned by some student who had moved out. Took it in, tended to its injuries and massive sunburn. Probably has one of two genders, but I don't know which yet. Rescued an orchid that I still have, that someone had cut the flowers from and then literally threw away into a trashcan. A hermaphrodite but in the four years I've had it, even with all the special care I've given it, it has never flowered again. Understandable. I'll keep caring for it anyway, because I'm sure one day it will feel safe enough to do so again. (That's not humanizing. That's not the type of behavior a plant like this would know how to deal with. That's more of a white clover's business.)

I used to have a succulent who I purchased to get it away from where it was, before it got sick. Noticed it was oddly traumatized for a plant. Did experiments with it in the lab, confirmed it was a "high stress" plant (using proteins the plants produce when they're stressed), but it wasn't normal for its species. Did research on the company, found out this succulent had been poached from its natural habitat (not illegal in this context, but HIGHLY unethical, and making native people do it at risk of their lives because they were poor enough to be desperate to feed their children with the literal pennies they were paid with), then sent on a ship in the ocean (this was a tropical desert plant, had no clue what "smells" those could be I'm sure). then processed in a truck, then put in the store. My professor noted that with every step, the succulent was around other plants that were injured, unfamiliar with their surroundings (imagine being unable to walk away), and being exposed to disease that was definitely killing plants (fungi, bacteria, viruses, viroids, etc). Plants tell each other how it's going, so this probably f*cked up the stress hormones in my succulent, even years later. And that succulent couldn't handle stress, at all. Succulents are usually hardy and adapt to change just fine, but if you literally bumped this one's pot, or the desk it was on, it would kill half its leaves and immediately go into starvation mode, within the day. I have never purchased a plant from that chain since. Which is Walmart, if you were wondering. They claim to have changed their ways, but since they haven't with anything else...

I am very good at suddenly rambling. lol But I love all of you, too.

I cried a bit, the way you wrote about the pedophile, you care you have (had) for him as a real person. I cried because humanizing my pedophile cuts me up. Admitting I care about him hurts. Actually I've been with more than one and it's so confusing and hard to truly care about them and to have to come to terms with that. Loving messed-up people is really courageous and often exceedingly painful, at least that's my 2 cents.

It bothers me too. I can't reconcile the good and bad well, but I do acknowledge that he had a tragic life and was confused. In the United States, he is the worst minority to be. Highest suicidal rates, globally. Lots of violence. Little acknowledgement, even when they try to protest. But I don't think he should have messed with me, or insulted me, or told me he preferred my sister.

It's hard to think about. I usually just don't.

Anyway, I wanted to share with you that I know you to be very loving and kind, but I also know that that doesn't make life easy and it can be quite confusing, troubling and conflicting, so I'm just saying, I'm here.

Thank you. :hug:

I can't help loving you! You are too lovable!

And thank you!! :inlove::inlove::inlove::inlove::inlove:

I guess we are both just going to have to get used to being loved and get comfortable in learning who is a safe person to trust and allow them to love us.

That'll be hard...

It's hard to trust people when you know a lot of them could be terrible people. Brandi seemed nice and I loved her. She had a tragic past too. She needed love, wanted acceptance, and wanted to be taken seriously by adults for her trauma. But never was. She started calling me her mother when I was 14 or so.

There's also that member who was on this site for years, who made it her territory before she got caught. She was harassing and bullying people, but so smoothly. And meanwhile supporting literally everyone, because she used all her time here. She looked so nice that she managed to get a lot of people on here to do random ass stuff. Makes me worried, even when I see myself being nice to people. Like I need to check and make sure my intentions are good, because I could very easily end up manipulating someone into liking me, like she did, and then using their trust to make them do stuff. I'm glad she was banned, and also glad she left me mostly untouched.

And people like my dad, who act nice but really, really aren't. It's hard to know who to trust... and it feels dangerous to figure out who to let love you. Especially when people have used that against you.

Roundabout way of saying, empathy is difficult, and empathising with non-human things is easier for me

Same for me. And I've done that too... I've gone back and took all kinds of things home because of that... I'd be someone crying over an abandoned toy also.

that's the least self-blamey I've ever seen you be, and I was like shit yeah! I'm glad you're acknowledging it.

I'm glad you noticed, because I didn't! Thanks!

And time moving faster, burned rice because of that just now.
Not sure what it is about.

I know some science about that topic...?

Humans have been trying to figure out what time is like for other creatures, including plants and fungi (because they do keep up with time, clearly), but the focus is mainly on animals because psychology can touch that field and it's easier to interpret the results. They found that dogs perceive time slower than we do, and rated it about one of our hours was probably similar to the feeling of an hour and a half for us, to them. Flies saw time as moving so slowly that they see things in slow motion, which is why they can dodge us so easily. Tortoises and cows, though, saw time moving really quickly in comparison to humans.

Seems the main factor for organisms with brains was how much the brain was dealing with. If it was doing a lot of processes at once, and had high attention, then time was perceived to move slower. But if the brain had very little to do, then time was perceived as going a bit faster.

It changes up though. Waiting in line sucks, because your brain doesn't really have anything else to do, so time seems to get really slow.

I'm not sure what my brain was doing when twenty minutes felt like two, and my noodles were burned, but... I guess dissociating a bit makes time seem to jump? One time in a school cafeteria I became completely paralyzed (long story) but was conscious and could move my eyes. Time got really f*cked up then, lol. Felt like I was sitting there forever, waiting for someone to get help (or even think about getting help -- they were kind of just staring). Also felt like it moved quickly -- probably because I wasn't fully conscious the entire time?

Why am I certain? Because the idea of being like your dad bothers you. I'm guessing his behavior or how he treated people never bothered him. It was just how he was. He may even have found pleasure in getting away with it. You? worry about it. That shows me you know his behavior is wrong and you never want to repeat it

That's comforting. It feels true

When I get overwhelmed I see ghosts. yep. ghosts. I have for a long time, but it wasn't until I started with the whole ptsd treatment thing that I realized why. Self protection technique.

Man, am I relieved to not be alone!

What a distressing thing to use as self protection... but at least I know at least one other person knows what I'm talking about..

 

[littleoc]

There's a tree in this University that is less than 100 feet from where I'm currently living, which is great because I love this particular tree. It has a ring of stones around it making it look a bit like a shrine, and it's hanging out right next to the science labs where I did my studies and research. Despite the science-y nature of it, it really is a kind of a shrine, and it's a sacred tree for a lot of people here, of several religions (or people with none). It was planted in 1976, which makes it unusually recent for a tree that is considered sacred, because usually these are trees that are way older than us. But this one is considered wise for a different reason: It was planted after it had already sprouted, and after it was on the moon. NASA gifted it to the University because this one is the only private one that actually privately owns its land in the country, so it would never be cut down. At least, that's what I've been told. I can't say too much more without being too identifying. Many places in my state got one of these special trees.

I like to go visit the tree on nights when the moon isn't full, because when the moon is full, that's when the most people visit this tree. But, no one has been outright telling the new students about the tree, hoping to give it a little more peace. It doesn't seem to care.

It's a sycamore tree, and it's an astronaut. And it's been through some shit. I've heard (though no one knows that it's true) that when it was still a sprout, nothing would nibble on it, because the amount of toxin it put into its leaves made it unable to be digested by literally anything. (All sycamores have it, but they usually wait a bit to use it. It's costly.) But more than once, one of the University workers kept hitting it with a weed-eater. Some people who've told me that story insist he was doing it just because, but a few others told me they think he just didn't realize it was a special tree when he was taking his anger out on it. The tree won though, because now it's huge, and that guy has been gone for a long time.

But when you sit by the tree, you get this overwhelming feeling of peace. It has its own atmosphere. It's almost supernaturally quiet around that tree, and weirdly dark because the foliage is intensely thick. It's so big you wouldn't know that it's only 42 years old. It barely seems to care about anything. Once, I've gone out there and heard someone, drunk, crying about her life to the tree, about her family rejecting her.

It was like the tree was suddenly one of us, when it came back from the moon. One of the human allies, which made it seem wise and knowing, because it has been somewhere that almost none of us will go to. Somehow, that humanized it, made it more human than that drunk girl's family.

That memory about the pedophile is confusing me because I can't remember all of it, and I'm positive that I'm forgetting something. I remember a baseball bat hitting me, and I realized that it's weird that I know in such detail how suicidal he became that night, how much I can feel the hatred he had for himself, when I supposedly wasn't there. But if he ever came up to me and asked for forgiveness, I'd tell him I forgave him. Because I know there are people out there who aren't sorry for what they've done, like my father, and like Brandi.

I feel that I've done bad things too.

In my dream this morning, Brandi asked for forgiveness, and I accepted. She was a teenager, the last time I saw her look at me with real concern in her eyes.

I don't really know how to put behind rape and abuse. Raping children is not a typical phase of someone grieving for multi-generational abuse. At least, it hasn't been for me. But he deserved help anyway. As I deserved to not have that happen to me.

The pedophile didn't know yet that I was, in his words, "a spirit of a dog." He saw I was white. He learned later about the Jewishness, the Russians, the wars -- and he slowly identified himself with me. He saw me and my family as displaced, like a replanted tree.

The weirdest thing about it is realizing that he legitimately started to like me. He started out wanting me to feel like less than him. He realized he had painted himself as a victim (he manipulated me into feeling sorry for him), but then he realized that I was one too. And he realized that he was no better than the white man I had for a father. He was hurting people. He felt disgusting, as I did. And a good portion of it was his fault.

I try not to worry about it though. It's hard to go between feeling angry and feeling forgiving. For all I know, wherever he is, he's in denial about it, terrified of prison. Maybe still married to that girl in China, who was hopefully at least of age. I try to think of myself as a human being and I've noticed, today, that if that tree can be human and be there for people, for having been taken to the moon, then I can use where I've been to seem more human to people too. Mostly, myself.

And I can be present, in the now, like that tree is. That tree has never really seemed to care that it was once on the moon. Only on cold nights before fall does it seem to react, dropping its leaves just a little earlier than the others.

I really like that some people have claimed that it's growing toward the moon, and not the sun, and that's why it's grown so big. It knows something the other trees don't, and that made it bigger and stronger, and more appreciative of the moonlight.

Nice thought.

 

[littleoc]

Stan Krugman had the seeds sent to the southern Forest Service station in Gulfport, Mississippi and to the western station in Placerville, California to attempt germination. Surprisingly, nearly all the seeds germinated successfully, and the Forest Service had some 420 to 450 seedlings after a few years (some from cuttings). Some of these were planted with their earth-bound counterparts as controls, (as would be expected, after over twenty years there is no discernable difference) but most were given away in 1975 and 1976 to many state forestry organizations to be planted as part of the nation's bicentennial celebration. These trees were southern and western species, so not all states received trees. A Loblolly Pine was planted at the White House, and trees were planted in Brazil, Switzerland, and presented to the Emperor of Japan, among others. Trees have also been planted in Washington Square in Philadelphia, at Valley Forge, in the International Forest of Friendship, and at various universities and NASA centers.

Source: The Moon Trees

Some people try to visit all the trees. :p I forgot that it was a celebration for the entire United States. Even made into gifts for other countries. Neat stuff, that

 

[ladee]

@littleoc, I can say this to you, because after reading your last few posts, I know you will understand, and not make fun of me.. but I have a strong strong attachment to trees myself. I have felt that 'trees are people too'. Not in the literal sense, but how many Indians and Pioneers walked around these trees, or stopped to rest, or to hide, and that tree was there for them?? That fascinates me when I am out in nature. The shapes of them.. down on the coast where they grow to the north because of the wind coming off the water, and all the high wind storms they have endured... and there they are...

If I see trees all twisted and limbs that are going in different directions.. among trees of the same kind, I always wonder what happened to that tree that made it grow so distorted compared to it's same kind...in the same field. I get sick to my stomach when I know trees are being cut down for 'progress'!!! What does that even mean??? How sickening, that people do not know how to work around the beauty and timelessness of trees, to just make room for people who do not give a f*ck. Who do not give one thought to that tree giving it's life for 'progress'....??

And there is such strength in trees. what they endured to grow... firm roots... just like what we are searching for in our recovery. A place to put our roots down, that other humans will destroy, because they just don't get it... or dismiss us, just like the trees they pass everyday and do not give one single thought to it, how it got there, how old it is, what kind is it. I so get what you are saying.. and thank you for providing a safe place for me to speak of this.. that is more appreciated than you will ever know...

And about the manipulation you fear, and the reference you made to the person eventually banned. So few really knew what that was really all about... it started with ME... because I made a choice to not follow and blindly agree to this person's journey... and all hell broke loose... Again, so few knew what was really going on.. the people blindly following, I got out of my online life here, immediately.. not with out judgement, Im sorry to say.. In a perfect world , I would have had more grace with my choice... I still wonder if it was judgement on my part, or being discerning to who would just jump on all that mess and be led places so easily... or protecting myself...

I'm sorry to use your diary for this... but you are afraid of manipulating people>.. hon, I truly think you do not need to entertain that fear any longer... your words have an 'energy' that resonates. it's hard truths you share about.. You are trying to own what is yours, and hand back what is not... you are working on YOU, not trying to use someone to take your anger out on... or blame... you are light years ahead in personal growth than that person... and she had been here for many years...

You are searching for your truth, and many people in your life has distorted that and even taken your truth away from you... you are NOTHING AT ALL , like that person.. NOTHING.. if you trust me even a microscopic bit... please believe me.. You are littleoc.. and individual, a curious person, and laying your truth out in such a way that I so totally respect you and you journey... no games, just searching.

I just don't believe you have it in you to hurt people like that. You have never shared one thing that set off red flags for me... you are loved, supported, and deeply cared about, by many people here.. You share with others, strong words, with strength of conviction... not bullshit support to sound good... I'm off on a bit of a tangent here, and sorry for talking in circles... but I get to have days when I can't articulate what I am thinking and feeling..

The only thing I really want you to hear, you are LITTLEOC, searching for YOUR truth... it is just not in you to hurt others or manipulate... and my hope for you, is, that you learn this truth soon.. and are able to take this worry and concern off your plate.

Sending you lots of hugs. And respect. I know how hard this journey is. How confusing and exhausting.. but you are doing it.. Doing it honestly, and you are going to make huge changes, and recognize miracles when you see them . I am honored you are in my life.

you got this... as slow and irritating as it is... you got this... :inlove::inlove::hug::hug::hug::hug:

 

[littleoc]

I know you will understand, and not make fun of me..

I would never make fun of you! Well, if you did first I might, but I would take your beliefs seriously even if they were totally opposite of my own. I do for my brothers, so I could for you too. :)

And I agree, trees are beautiful. I had a similar feeling to that when I was in Belize. I did research in the rainforest, and it was so... overwhelming, that I still dream about it, though I was there in 2015. Just stunning. So many birds, I literally saw more species in one day than I had seen or will see in my entire life. And so many trees! My favorite was this one that had literally nothing growing around that. I thought it was odd, and went up to it, and luckily the local with me stopped me. Apparently this one species has hollows in it, for ants to live! It even feeds the ants a special sap, to help their colony grow, under its bark! In return, the ants will fiercely protect the tree -- which explains why the tree had nothing around it. Only an outsider, like me, would make the mistake of getting too close!

I had that feeling also when I was doing research in the coral reefs, also in Belize. So much color. And some of those coral were older than a thousand years. Surrounded by the algae that are taking over the reefs, day by day, aided by humans. Both a good thing and a bad thing, depending on how you look at it... very good algae, sure, but those coral. And the colors of the fish depending on them!

I know what you mean though. I protect trees when I can. When people in my home neighborhood cut down trees, I get pretty annoyed. It's actually one reason I'm sort of unwilling to let the shitty house go -- that 500-year-old oak that's literally 3 feet (1 meter?) from the house, therefore messing with the foundation. I'm afraid the next occupant would cut it down for insurance reasons. And the weeping willow in the front yard, which was a gift to my mother for surviving breast cancer in 2005ish. It's a male tree, and his name is Willy, obviously :P

A neighbor cut down our tea tree when I was off at university. My mother gave him permission to, so he could lay down the foundation of his shed... I know they really aren't native here and maybe shouldn't have been in the yard like that, and that a mole had built a huge house under it so approaching it was actually a game of not falling underground, but I was sad to see it gone.

As I will be for the numerous trees in our back yard, which seem too close to the house and the septic tank. No one trimmed them, so... :(

But I have two house trees, so I can take comfort in being able to protect them, at least. Even if they aren't giving me free food, like that ant-tree was for the ants. They don't even know how to make fruit :P Well, the gymnosperm (it's some kind of ancient pine...?) can't. The one I rescued looked like it could flower, and if it can, then it can technically make a fruit. Just probably not one I'd want to eat :P

you are working on YOU, not trying to use someone to take your anger out on... or blame... you are light years ahead in personal growth than that person... and she had been here for many years...

That is relieving to hear. No, I am going out of my way to not take my anger out on others. Especially my service dog, or my siblings. They don't deserve that.

And you're right.. she was angry about something, all the time. It was never really clear what, because I guess it was always changing.

I'm really glad she was banned.

it started with ME... because I made a choice to not follow and blindly agree to this person's journey... and all hell broke loose...

This might sound weird, but you're very surprisingly not the first person I've heard say it started with them, about this user...

Looks like she may have attacked everyone who disagreed with her...?

But (1), it really sounds like a her problem. Sounds like you found something she really needed to work on, and she didn't like that. And (2) it sounds like a her problem. It couldn't have started with you, especially if she was doing that to multiple people -- because she should have just let it go if she couldn't handle it.

Thank you for talking about that mess for a moment. It didn't seem to be in circles to me -- it was helpful.

You are very appreciated... I feel honored to know you too.

I feel honored to know all of you <3

 

[ILoveLife]

You would love my family home and surrounding forest here in Portugal, @littleoc :)
We still have the trees my great grandfather planted.
Unfortunately I can't go there or I'll get badly triggered and it will be sold also. :(

 

[littleoc]

We still have the trees my great grandfather planted.

Oh, I would love that...

And, well, maybe it's for the best it's being sold, since you can't go there anyway. If that makes sense to you :)


I had another thought that I think especially @ladee would like. I'm temporarily working at a library as an inter-library loan assistant. The library I work in had 750,000 books on literally any subject you can think of. Including (this is for you, @Swift ) an entire section, written by real scholars, on the politics of Harry Potter, God in Harry Potter, religion in Harry Potter, disability in Harry Potter, government and economy in Harry Potter -- you name it, there have been studies and analyses on it, in Harry Potter. But there is also a section just on sacred trees, ghost trees, and how trees talk and communicate. One professor/scholar put together a CD track of the sounds that trees make inside their bodies. Sounds like music.

There's a book for everything, and there are more books than there are Internet articles. Lots of people don't believe me on that, but some of this stuff, if you tried to Google, would only take you to the book to buy, rent, or borrow from a library. We can never get away from books... so hopefully we find a sustainable way to use that rock paper soon! It was invented! Just... it's bad for the air, to make it. They're working on it

We're using the dinosaur-tree-ferns (which are way older than dinosaurs and lasted way longer than they did, by the way -- way longer than any other species group on Earth has ever existed, except some bacteria species) as fuel for the electricity we use to play on the Internet and myPTSD. The reason? There were so many of them, that they couldn't be decomposed by anything fast enough.

Just stop and imagine that for a second. There was so much life on Earth, that the dead parts of it couldn't be decomposed, and became coal. All over the entire Earth, not just in rainforests.

For comparison, our rainforests now do have a layer that decomposes, most of the time. As in, Earth before humans, when the entire world was warm and tropical, was so covered in life that you literally couldn't see the soil. Ever. Anywhere.

Now we're in an ice age. Which means, there is ice on the Earth, which in Earth's history has not always been true. We're melting it, though, and our species sure does love the ice ages... we require winters to keep our crops from getting too many infections. In places without seasons, pathogens kill crops too quickly to be very useful outside of small villages.

Which probably means that the tree-ferns are secretly waiting for us to warm everything up, so they can go back to their regularly scheduled paradise. They existed for so many years that the amount of time they haven't existed on Earth is actually so small it's harder to notice :P

I love those things, so I rambled again. lol. It's 2:18am and I should go to sleep before my head explodes with pain. But I hope you imagined what Earth was like before dinosaurs, when it was a tropical paradise so full of life you could only see the Earth if you found a mountain! (Tree-ferns depended on water to live. That's why the gymnosperms lived when that ice age hit -- stuff like pine trees.)

Know what's creepy? The tree-ferns died out because they were so abundant, they changed the climate :P Also, the land masses shifted and water was suddenly no longer available.

One time it rained for a million years straight, every day. Then it didn't. Volcanoes do weird stuff to the weather.

Okay, I'm definitely rambling now. I don't even know if that made sense! Time for bed :)

 

[ILoveLife]

Sleep well @littleoc! :hug:
And thanks for the visual above and sharing your knowledge. :) (and all the help too)